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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset by sister’s attitude

262 replies

Remotenut · 18/11/2024 07:17

my husband and I have 1 son who it took a good while to conceive, we knew we wanted 2 close in age and given how long it took to conceive our son we started trying when he was 9 months old and 6 months later I got pregnant. Im due 10 weeks before my sisters wedding who I’m bridesmaid for

my sister is a major bridezilla (think got a quote for outsourced cutlery because she wasn’t fussed on the cutlery at the reception which is a 5 star hotel so I doubt the cutlery is bad but that’s the level we are talking)

over the last few days she’s been asking me what my plan is with the baby and how I basically need to be at her beck and call over the wedding, including the night before. I said the baby will still be feeding during the night so I need to be at home to feed her. She went mad and asked could I not just leave the baby with my husbands family for a few nights. I explained the baby will only be 10 weeks old, my husbands family all have their own kids and the wedding is 2.5 hours away and I wouldn’t be comfortable being that far away from the baby when she’s so small.

last night it came up again that she’s having her hen a few days before I’m due to go have my section and my brother jokingly said oh what if Remotenut’s waters break at your hen. She turned and said remotenut’s life wouldn’t be worth living if she did that. I said that’s really not in my control (my son was 3 weeks early) and she said well you knew when this wedding was.

i understand it’s her day and she’s obviously wanting it to be all about her and that’s fine but I feel I couldn’t put my life on hold for 1 day (she asked me would I not just wait until her wedding was over to start trying for another baby)

I think I’m just going to say that I’ll go to the wedding but my husband will stay at home with the children. I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know what to do. AIBU to be upset by her attitude?

OP posts:
MuddlingThrough1724 · 18/11/2024 17:39

You are being unreasonable to even think about accommodating your sister being so ridiculous when you'll have a newborn baby to contend with. I'd be attending as a guest only, or not at all.

QuirkyandGreen · 18/11/2024 17:35

You're due "10 weeks before" - that means nothing really. You could be late, you could still be recovering from a C section, you could have a 7 or 8 week old baby who is feeding every 2 hours etc etc. And all this stress for you while you are pregnant isn't healthy for you or baby. I would bow out, tell her you that you are prioritising your actual HEALTH and say you'll be a guest at wedding, on your terms with your family. She needs people to stop enabling her.

GreyCarpet · 18/11/2024 17:24

Remotenut · 18/11/2024 14:48

He goes with the flow. He comes from a household that doesn’t really give two hoots about him so you can see how he ended up in a co dependent family where he craves the ‘closeness’

Let's just hope they don't have children.

Remotenut · 18/11/2024 14:48

Ohnobackagain · 18/11/2024 13:56

@Remotenut was about to say I was sorry for her fiancé but if he went along with the spoiled birthday meal narrative he’s as bad! Is he ok or like her?

He goes with the flow. He comes from a household that doesn’t really give two hoots about him so you can see how he ended up in a co dependent family where he craves the ‘closeness’

OP posts:
Aberentian · 18/11/2024 14:30

Why does your sister not give a shit about what will be her little ten-week-old niece?

Fraaahnces · 18/11/2024 14:09

Your sister’s an entitled arsehole. Probably borderline narcissist. Everyone enables her.

Penguinfeet24 · 18/11/2024 14:06

She's off her nut isn't she? I'd tell her to stuff her wedding frankly, whatever you do won't be good enough.

Ohnobackagain · 18/11/2024 13:56

@Remotenut was about to say I was sorry for her fiancé but if he went along with the spoiled birthday meal narrative he’s as bad! Is he ok or like her?

diddl · 18/11/2024 13:42

I’m going to tell her when I see her calmly that I’ve been thinking about it and it would be better if I step down because I can’t fulfil what she needs and if that’s not good enough for her then she needs to lower to expectations of what I can and can’t do on the day. And if she kicks off she kicks off.

Tbh I think you should just tell her that you aren't doing it & stick to that.

Can't believe that your husband goes along with it as well!

Codlingmoths · 18/11/2024 13:32

She is a nutcase. You should not leave your baby behind, and I think it’s a great idea to suggest stepping back. Say clearly my baby’s welfare is always the most important thing to me. I will not stay your sister for you to tell me I’ve ruined your wedding every week for the rest of our lives because I had a baby, I’m not going to stay around for any more of that. I also didn’t ruin your boyfriend’s birthday and I didn’t ruin your wedding dress shopping. I’m done being told that, you need to find someone else to punch down on all the time.

LushLemonTart · 18/11/2024 13:27

😳 at the update. She's batshit.

Havalona · 18/11/2024 13:25

Her poor Fiance. I'd give the marriage 6 months tops.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/11/2024 13:24

I’m amazed you still talk to her.

Projectme · 18/11/2024 13:21

gah, she sounds hideous..

Twiglets1 · 18/11/2024 13:19

Remotenut · 18/11/2024 13:14

Yeah one instance came to mind that to this day I find mad. So last year my son was sick (he’s actually not sick that often but he happened to be) and was struggling to keep bottles down and we took him to out of hours and then to my parents after. We were exhausted and my dad asked if I wanted a roast dinner as he had got a chicken in. Myself and my husband were so grateful because we were exhausted.

about an hour later when we are all eating she storms in with a takeaway to the other living room with her boyfriend.

I went over a while later to get my son’s changing bag and said what’s up? She said are you serious you ruined my boyfriend’s birthday meal!!

basically her boyfriend’s birthday was a few days later and apparently after they went to an event that Sunday her and my mum had agreed we’d get a Chinese that night (completely unknown to me or my dad actually who offered to make a Sunday roast) and she didn’t speak to me for weeks. Note her and my brother and her boyfriend all still got Chinese but she was annoyed because my dad made myself be my husband and my parents a roast when we were meant to be all eating Chinese. To this day she talks about the year I apparently ruined her boyfriend’s birthday.

It isn’t really a Bridezilla situation then, she is like this all the time.

I would definitely go Low contact after the wedding. Maybe I’m too soft but I wouldn’t want to upset her just before her wedding, though she deserves it.

nam3c4ang3 · 18/11/2024 13:17

Your sister is a fucking nutcase. Your children should NEVER come after her - ever. Youve let her walk al over you, don't allow her to do that to your children. Step down OP - and congratulations on the new baby :)

Remotenut · 18/11/2024 13:14

Conniebygaslight · 18/11/2024 11:29

Does she often put you in situations where you can't win so she can kick off at you OP? my sister used to do this all the time. Got married abroad when I a baby and toddlers and was furious when I couldn't go. I've been NC for 15 years now as I got sick to death of feeling like I was being tested all the damn time. My DH and our DC had to come first, I couldn't allow this batshittery to infiltrate their lives. Step-down and let her kick off-drop the rope.

Yeah one instance came to mind that to this day I find mad. So last year my son was sick (he’s actually not sick that often but he happened to be) and was struggling to keep bottles down and we took him to out of hours and then to my parents after. We were exhausted and my dad asked if I wanted a roast dinner as he had got a chicken in. Myself and my husband were so grateful because we were exhausted.

about an hour later when we are all eating she storms in with a takeaway to the other living room with her boyfriend.

I went over a while later to get my son’s changing bag and said what’s up? She said are you serious you ruined my boyfriend’s birthday meal!!

basically her boyfriend’s birthday was a few days later and apparently after they went to an event that Sunday her and my mum had agreed we’d get a Chinese that night (completely unknown to me or my dad actually who offered to make a Sunday roast) and she didn’t speak to me for weeks. Note her and my brother and her boyfriend all still got Chinese but she was annoyed because my dad made myself be my husband and my parents a roast when we were meant to be all eating Chinese. To this day she talks about the year I apparently ruined her boyfriend’s birthday.

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 18/11/2024 13:11

Excellent news.

WoolySnail · 18/11/2024 13:08

Good for you OP!x

Remotenut · 18/11/2024 13:06

Thanks everyone. My husband and I have said we are genuinely worried about her mental health after this wedding is over as she’s expecting to be as excited about it as her and she’s going to have a massive comedown. I love her to bits but I can’t stand her behaviour sometimes.

Thank you for all the suggestions. I’m going to tell her when I see her calmly that I’ve been thinking about it and it would be better if I step down because I can’t fulfil what she needs and if that’s not good enough for her then she needs to lower to expectations of what I can and can’t do on the day. And if she kicks off she kicks off.

I’ve cut off some extended family because I don’t want my son to think the way they behave and act is normal and I think I’ve been kidding myself my sister is just like this because of her wedding but I need to reevaluate my whole relationship with her I think, especially for my kids’ sake. I would be mortified if my daughter was going on the way she is.

OP posts:
Dontlletmedownbruce · 18/11/2024 12:58

I actually really feel for you here @Remotenut it is incredibly hard to stand up to a family member. I think this is your time though because you have been pushed into a situation where you have to. I would find it really difficult to speak up to my sisters too. Thankfully they are reasonable people and would never behave like this, but we are the same type of family, all smiles and manners and never being brutally honest.

I also feel frustrated with your mothers approach. Sometimes family issues need a mediator and she should have been the voice of reason. It seems like she is saying it's nothing to do with her but it's everything to do with her, if her daughters fall out she will be the biggest loser. She should be talking to you both to find the best solution.

Msmoonpie · 18/11/2024 12:33

“she went mental when I arrived because I was wearing cream on her wedding dress shopping day
and wouldn’t let me take my coat off the whole time we were there”

I would have put a stop to it there and then. If she made a fuss I would have been quite happy to tell people she had a tantrum because I wore a cream jumper.

Stop pandering to her.

SlightlyGoneOff · 18/11/2024 12:24

Remotenut · 18/11/2024 07:27

She’ll accuse me of making it all about me. I swear the day we went wedding dress shopping my son was sick and I had to bring him to the out of hours doctor before we left. My husband said we would take 2 cars to the doctors so I could go shopping after because we knew I’d never hear the end of it if I didn’t go. So I went and was wearing jeans and a cream jumper and a massive scarf….she went mental when I arrived because I was wearing cream on her wedding dress shopping day and wouldn’t let me take my coat off the whole time we were there

No, OP, an adult can’t prevent another adult from taking off her coat in a shop. You chose to obey a completely unreasonable demand, just as you chose to go wedding dress shopping when your child was sick enough to need an out of hours doctor visit. I appreciate it’s going to take you some time to undo all this conditioning, but get started. Remember that going along with what someone wants, or not going along with it, are both choices, and within your control, outside a situation where you’re being threatened with violence.

SlightlyGoneOff · 18/11/2024 12:18

Gcsunnyside23 · 18/11/2024 12:16

Then be the bad guy. You're all allowing her to act mental for no reason. If my sister acted like that over a jumper I would have left there and then

Exactly. So what if other people think you’re the ‘bad guy’? It’s on them if they just nod meekly in the face of misbehaviour.

Gcsunnyside23 · 18/11/2024 12:16

Remotenut · 18/11/2024 07:35

She’s nuts about this wedding. As I said my family are very co dependent and a ‘make it look like everything is fine’ kind of family so she’s got away with it for years to the point where it’s like ah sure that’s just the way she is. My mum is dreading the wedding and will say that privately to me but wouldn’t date say it to her and would deny ever saying it. I’ve stood upto her before and I was the bad guy. My family is very very like that.

Then be the bad guy. You're all allowing her to act mental for no reason. If my sister acted like that over a jumper I would have left there and then