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Mother in law takes priority ALWAYS

36 replies

brecal11 · 18/11/2024 00:47

So I am after some desperate advice because I feel like I am talking to a brick wall when it comes to my partner.

my partner has never stuck up for me when it comes his mother. We used to have a quite nice relationship and respected one another, but that changed once she found out I was pregnant. She then belittled me and made me feel worthless, so I stopped speaking to her for a time and avoided going to her home because of the way she made me feel.

my partner used to encourage me to go and speak to her and say because she has mental health she doesn’t have a filter and we should just make up and I did twice for his sake but then vocalised how I felt about it. I said no.

since then she has faked 3 mental health crisis and my partner is sticking up for her more than ever. He also would rather spend his time off work doing stuff for her, than spending time with his children. I see him for maybe an hour before he falls asleep on a evening when he finishes work, get no help with kids and household task,

where am I going wrong? I honestly feel like a single mother.

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Lindjam · 18/11/2024 17:40

User37482 · 18/11/2024 05:37

He’s not contributing financially, he’s barely there, he doesn’t look after his own kids. Send him back to his mum.

Absolutely agree.

ThatBrickRaven · 18/11/2024 17:37

JulianFawcettMP · 18/11/2024 00:53

You have his wage at the very least so you are not anything like a single mother.

That aside, your contempt for your MIL is coming through loud and clear. She might very well deserve it but I'd be interested to hear other sides to this.

Why make sure a nasty comment?

Artistbythewater · 18/11/2024 17:30

SometimesCalmPerson · 18/11/2024 17:11

How do you know she’s faked 3 mental health crises? Thats a horrible accusation to make without proof, and clearly her son believes her.

I think if your partner is struggling to care for a parent with mental health problems then it’s your job to support him, not whine that you only get to see him for an hour a day.

Seriously 😂

Yes op and pay the bills whilst you are at it!!

SometimesCalmPerson · 18/11/2024 17:11

How do you know she’s faked 3 mental health crises? Thats a horrible accusation to make without proof, and clearly her son believes her.

I think if your partner is struggling to care for a parent with mental health problems then it’s your job to support him, not whine that you only get to see him for an hour a day.

MarketValveForks · 18/11/2024 17:08

He is not your partner.
You are the objectified convenience that he uses. He doesn't care about you.

The only thing you are doing wrong is not getting rid of him. Boot him off and put in a CM application asap.

Crumpleton · 18/11/2024 17:05

There's nothing wrong with an adult child, irrespective of gender, seeing their parents daily.

Separately...
If you feel like a single parent and pay all of the bills maybe ask him to stay over at his mums for a week, explain why and see how you go on.

I'd rather be alone in bringing up DC than have a relationship where all I get to do is their cooking and dirty laundry.

thatsawhopperthatlemon · 18/11/2024 17:03

I honestly feel like a single mother

Become one then, he's no loss, and at least he'll then be forced to contribute towards his dc.

Lavender14 · 18/11/2024 17:00

How come you're paying for everything op?

I think it sounds like he's getting all the benefits of being in a relationship and having a nice home and family without having to actually put in any of the effort to maintain it or contribute.

I understand growing up with a parent with mh issues is hard and you do end up taking on a caregiving role but he needs to set boundaries with her and probably go to therapy himself to unpack what he's accepted as normal.

I'd be laying it out VERY clearly that if he doesn't start stepping up and being more present and prioritising you and your kids then he'll be living with his mum full time.

It doesn't mean he can't see her or spend time with her but it does mean he is balancing it with his responsibilities to his immediate family which is now you and your kids.

unbelieveable22 · 18/11/2024 16:53

He doesn't respect or care about you or your children. He is not going to change. You have enabled his behaviour by taking on all the responsibility. Time to change that. Any decent human being would put their partner and children first.
Kick him out and be a good role model for your children. Don't let him persuade you he will change.

Sparklytopattheready · 18/11/2024 16:43

My exMIL had a go at me once, afterwards my husband said “ I know she (MIL) is in the wrong but she’s my mum and I will always take her side over you or the children”
I knew there and then that our marriage was over.
One of our kids is NC with him now and the other very low contact… him and his mother live happily together!

Gonk123 · 18/11/2024 16:43

Why are you with him if you don’t get anything out of this relationship?

EauNeu · 18/11/2024 16:42

So he's just costing you money. It's like you have another child in the house, not a partner.

Let his mum pay his way

Justsayit123 · 18/11/2024 16:38

You seriously need to leave.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/11/2024 16:37

You give your other half one final opportunity to cut the apron strings (or in his case the umbilical cord) as it's massively unattractive, unsexy and he can decide if he wants back in his mother's womb or to grow up, become the adult he should be, the father he needs to be and the husband you want him to be by putting his family - you and the kids, first. Anything else and you'll pack his bags for him.

You are the breadwinner here so you could find somewhere to live with the kids and let him move back to his mother.

JulianFawcettMP · 18/11/2024 15:21

@brecal11 I've just read back and I was quite harsh last night. I stand by what I said but apologies for being unsympathetic

Pipconkermash · 18/11/2024 07:20

The little man baby needs to go back home to mummy.

He doesn’t pay any bills or anything towards his children?! why on earth not? He’s pathetic.

He needs to go.

PurebredRacingUnicorn · 18/11/2024 06:12

brecal11 · 18/11/2024 01:03

i can understand why you would think that I would have his wage because we live together however that’s not actually the case. All bills and children needs are taken care of by me.

so no I don’t have his wage.

In that case, why do you keep him around?

Copperoliverbear · 18/11/2024 05:58

I'd say to him I will give you until after Christmas to start spending time with us and you need to start paying 50/50 in the house otherwise after Christmas you can leave.

Notmyfirstusername · 18/11/2024 05:41

Are the children his? If so, you need to open a case for child maintenance if he’s not contributing to their care.

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/11/2024 05:39

So he doesn’t prioritise you or have your back, and you pay for everything? You’d be better off without this loser op, raise your bar and ditch the dead weight..

User37482 · 18/11/2024 05:37

He’s not contributing financially, he’s barely there, he doesn’t look after his own kids. Send him back to his mum.

icecreamsundaeno5 · 18/11/2024 05:06

When I lived near my mum, I saw her most days.

We were very close. I enjoyed her company and was happy to help her with things that she couldn't do herself.

In a lot of cultures, that is absolutely normal and expected.

If dp had objected, or been jealous, I would have thought a lot less of him for it.

I don't think mil is your problem. The problem is that your dp doesn't seem to want to spend time with you. If you really do pay for the whole household and feel like a single mother, you could easily separate and improve your situation so why not do that.

Riapia · 18/11/2024 05:00

She is just being a typical MN MIL.
😉😁😁

tuvamoodyson · 18/11/2024 04:53

brecal11 · 18/11/2024 01:03

i can understand why you would think that I would have his wage because we live together however that’s not actually the case. All bills and children needs are taken care of by me.

so no I don’t have his wage.

Then why are you sticking around?

brecal11 · 18/11/2024 01:40

Oh Al have to get that one. Sounds like an interesting read. Thank you, I know will never be first. But my children will always come first to me.

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