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Original poster

To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

393 replies

anonymousxmasposter · 17/11/2024 23:06

I'm a British Asian woman married to a white man, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. I need some advice about a situation that's really bothering me.

I suggested hosting Christmas this year but separately for our families - mainly because of logistics. My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teens and twenty-somethings), and celebrates with music, games, and a lively atmosphere. His family is small (4 people), much older (60s-80s), more traditional, and quieter. His father has dementia and hearing difficulties, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

When I suggested hosting our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an "Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing." I was shocked because it had nothing to do with race - I was thinking about space, comfort levels, and very different celebration styles. My sisters boyfriend is white too, so it wasn't about excluding anyone based on race.

I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I'm deeply troubled by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

I'm especially worried as we're expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?

Im also keen to hear from people in same race relationships, for Xmas if you were hosting at your home, do you also blend families - was it weird of me to say I didn't want to do that?

Whether you have or haven't what the hell do I do with this as feel really alone with this and could use some advice as I have no one I can talk to about this without judgement.

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CatStoleMyChocolate · 18/11/2024 13:59

So in my experience people who pride themselves on being logical (cough - DH) are often quite emotional when it comes to decision-making.

The race comment from him is shitty and I’d be following the suggestion upthread to ask him very directly why he’s making it about race. But I would not underestimate the impact on him of you having what sounds like a big, warm happy family.

My DH is from a tiny, divided and scattered family and is also an only child. He would hate me for saying this but he is obviously quite upset he doesn’t have a warm, involved, extended family to bring to the table, especially now we have DC. Sometimes he feels my family dominate - well, yes, they do, because there is no family really on his side to balance things out. Sometimes I think he transfers his hurt and resentment at his own family situation to my family (which is clearly unfair and he looked quite shocked and sheepish when I called him out on it).

And when there are two sides of the family with views as to how they like to celebrate things - well, that gets complicated too. Especially at Christmas.

So I would challenge him on race, absolutely - but I bet there is quite a lot going on here that is not exclusively related to race and it would be a good idea to try to unpick some of this with him before you have DC to consider (congratulations!).

YellowRoom · 18/11/2024 13:49

Fix your flaws are you kidding? This man doesn't think logically - he just says whatever shit is in his head and then berates you until you go along with it and think it's all your falt. He's a common or garden misogynistic eg thinking all baby related activity is your domain.

Poodleville · 18/11/2024 13:49

There's a lot going on here. But to focus on one aspect - I think you may be underestimating the intense feelings of pressure that can come with being an only child, especially with aging parents, and especially with the way you described his father. While your parents would miss you when not present, that is in no way the same as when the only child is missing and there are expectations upon that only child. If they are quiet already, can you imagine the lifelessness if your husband is not there?
You have been triggered by his race related comment, and he's triggered over Xmas. One of you is going to have to get untriggered to have a chance of discussing this calmly and seeing what's really going on for him - as you seem to understand why it's upset you, but not him.

ThatTealViewer · 18/11/2024 13:48

anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 13:08

@ThatTealViewer I honestly don't think he has a problem with my family or am I being naive? I think there's more to it - whether or not he will tell me what is a different matter

I haven’t said he has a problem with your family (although he clearly does). I have said he’s racist.

You have literally listed the racist things that he sad his family have said and done. You cannot have any conversations about race with him without it ‘ending badly’. Yet you decided to marry him and have a child with him. Why? And what impact do you think having a parent like him will have on a mixed race kid?

Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 13:46

I feel really sad, really sad, alone and quite depressed.

Thanks to posters it's been really helpful actually, even ones who see how point of view too but I'm still left real saddened by this and crushed especially with a baby on the way.

It's just real hard at the moment and that was so unexpected especially after we recently had a big issue that we recently resolved and I felt I had really made progress in trying hard not to be argumentative and fix my flaws and this now just feels a big backwards step and slap in the face.

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Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 13:42

@ChocolateTelephone I really just need to ask him and get to the bottom of why he jumped to that? I especially find it shocking as HE is the one that often runs away from race and feels uncomfortable by it and often say I put everything down to race (I don't feel I do, but like many POC race IS a feature of our daily lives!)

So for HIM to be the one to have said this in a nasty spiteful way, as it was 100 percent not a joke he said it angrily, I have no idea where it came from. He said sorry a few minutes later (but didn't specifically say for that comment)?but obviously sorry doesn't remove the deeper underlying issues.

I'm not convinced I'll get to the bottom of it but I'll try.

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ChocolateTelephone · 18/11/2024 13:39

He was really unreasonable to accuse you of making some kind of division based on race. It’s fine if he thinks it would be better to have everyone together for Christmas, but why would he assume you have the worst possible intentions about this? It’s not fair on you if he thinks the worst of you like that.

Feelinadequate23 · 18/11/2024 13:37

@anonymousxmasposter try again. If he says that, say "no, we need to deal with this together and we need to talk about it now, before the baby is here". Don't take no for an answer and if he still refuses, let him know this is a serious threat to the future of your relationship.

Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 13:32

@Feelinadequate23 I despair this and explained why it's important for mixed race children. His response is he will let me deal with any race issues.

I just feel so depressed, lonely and quite sick

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Feelinadequate23 · 18/11/2024 13:31

Hi OP, I think this is actually really worrying from him. The last thing you need with a small baby is a vindictive, spiteful husband. And you really need to be united on race issues with a mixed race child.

I think you should sit him down ASAP and say you’re hugely concerned about his attitude towards you. Ask him if he realises it’s fundamentally important for the two of you to be united on race issues when raising your mixed race child? Wait and see what he says.

depending on his answer I’d also ask him a) Why on earth would he think you have a “race” problem when you married a white guy and get on well with/make an effort with his white family? B) why is he trying to upset his pregnant wife with horrible accusations? I would then keep completely quiet until he answers.

either way, you really need to get this resolved before baby arrives. Christmas is a red herring here, it’s a much deeper issue.

Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 13:30

@OrchestralRemoversInTheDark I am doing night feeds because of breast feeding - but I am also aware that he once again needed me to prove something and had to ask HIS mom for the proof...(she has lots of experience).

Basically, I suggested is putting the baby in spare room from day one and take it on turns once on formula to sleep in the spare with it rather than have in our room so it doesn't get used to our room.

This, was apprently ridiculous and he won't be doing that as doesn't see why he should leave his bed and if anything we should just put the baby in the spare. If I want to do it I can.

I then start getting frustrated and clutch at straws tell him to ask his mum and pray she agrees with me, it's just getting so immature as someone pointed out and I feel I'm doing my head in circles trying to find solutions to our clashes. I don't think/know if he does the same but it often doesn't feel like it

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Dweetfidilove · 18/11/2024 13:19

pikkumyy77 · 17/11/2024 23:29

Its just phenomenally hostile and out of place in a happy relationship. Its not just the accusation of racism in the perfectly ordinary division of family holidays. Its that you quite obviously thought deeply and compassionately about how to handle the festival and he leaped to the most ungenerous and hostile interpretation if your suggestion.

I really think you should be alarmed and deal with this forthrightly. I would absolutely want to brace him and tell him that was a shitty thing to say, completely uncalled for, snd never to be repeated.

However, and I don’t mean to alarm you, take a hard look at the relationship since you got pregnant. It is not uncommon for abuse to start when a woman is pregnant. He may have puttered along until now but he seems to be ramping up the insults and resentment (pointless, spiteful,but resentment) and using race as the reason. Be careful.

Edited

This sounds quite right. He went all the way out of order and you need a firm discussion as to what the hell thos means.

OrchestralRemoversInTheDark · 18/11/2024 13:17

he keeps saying how worried he is about lack of sleep

Yeah, that's setting you up to do all the night feeds and early morning starts, unless you can produce 10 peer reviewed studies and a spreadsheet to prove you should share equally.

He sounds exhausting.

Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 13:10

@IdylicDay I've told him over other issues I feel the marriage is in trouble, he doesn't seem to take it seriously. I honestly don't know what's going on, if he has mental health depression from becoming a parent as he keeps saying how worried he is about lack of sleep

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Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 13:08

@ThatTealViewer I honestly don't think he has a problem with my family or am I being naive? I think there's more to it - whether or not he will tell me what is a different matter

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Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 13:07

@WalkThisWay000 any tips on how we dissect how we got there? He is very difficult to see things unless they're logical he has a very logical way of thinking generally (which is what made the comment more bizarre!)

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Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 13:05

@ElatedShark I do get you completely but his culture IMO overshadows mine already - we don't do as many family gatherings with mine as his, we see his friends much more than mine (partly my friendship group is lore flaky but still) - his is all white! Most things are white!

So for him to accuse me of wanting my own Asian thing is odd and upsetting.

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Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 12:56

@DemonicCaveMaggot why do you say it was patronising? It was nasty and I just don't understand why he wanted to be nasty.

Well I do, I believe he thinks IM being nasty wanting separate christmases

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Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 12:55

@DemonicCaveMaggot honestly, both sides would just say it's fine to be polite.

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Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 12:53

@cannynotsay maybe he feels Xmas is lost but I have in no way done this, I often give in and prioritise his family through guilt of them being older and him being only child. So I still don't understand why my culture and traditions should take a further back seat and for him to call it out in that way when it honestly was not what was forefront of my mind

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Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 12:52

@Openmouthinsertfood thank you, although we go to his family for dinner waaaaay more than mine and eat English roasts probably 40:1 so I don't think that could be it.

There definately isn't an overbearing prescnce of my culture over his.

Another poster said he likely reached for the first thing that would hurt me and I think that's right but I don't understand why he soooo vindictive over Xmas and do that to me.

There's definately more talking I need to do with him but talking about anything where I have been upset is such a big drama

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Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 12:50

@BruFord it would be she the first time.

I made it clear if it's joint he will have to help and to be fair he's good with that sort of thing and will genuinely pull his weight

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Original poster
anonymousxmasposter · 18/11/2024 12:48

@CovertPiggery yes every, single point and feeling I have often has to be backed up by solid scientific evidence for it to be upheld. Drives me nuts

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YellowRoom · 18/11/2024 11:58

DH often makes your feel hurt and disrespected, is unable to sensibly discuss race, visibly shows he's bored with your family, changes things you've agreed on to your detriment, is petty and transactional, picks on the things likely to upset you the most... Whilst you're tying yourself in knots trying to please everyone - until you insist on something that benefits you and he throws his toys out of the pram.

ThatTealViewer · 18/11/2024 11:56

Twistybrancher · 18/11/2024 11:53

What part are you not understanding, that in order to fulfil her own families traditions and customs, she is choosing not to invite her husbands family because she doesn’t want them there to have an impact on her day.

If a host has people round, the guests don’t dictate how the day runs. The host does. She can run her day exactly how she wants, and still offer for his family to come round. It up to them to make the decision if they want to go or not knowing what’s planned for the day.

She doesn’t have to give up any of her traditions …at all! It’s simply a case of adding extras into it.

But she’s doesn’t want that, because she doesnt want his family there. She stated that as a POC that she wants a day to not have to make accommodations. Therefore her husband is pointing out that precise point!!!!

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What does that have to do with my comment? The poster I responded to asked how someone who was racist could marry a POC and I responded. How does anything you’ve said relate to anything in said comment?

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