To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

OP it is a difficult situation and a difficult time for you. I completely see that. I wanted my DH to be a sensitive, emotionally available, understanding man. He was no more capable of being any of those things, than I am turning into a cold, insensitive, purely logical woman. I can’t be what I can’t be. You DH is himself. This is how he is. You can beg him all you like to try see the bigger picture, to put himself in your shoes. He can’t. Well perhaps he can try, if he really wants to and really works at trying to change.

Race is a part of the difficulties. But his unwillingness to deal with compromise, to discuss feelings and perceptions without being defensive, dismissive or deciding the problem is resolved because he has decided it is , is quite another issue. He is in gaslighting terrorists here - your mental, your passive aggressive, he’s leaving for 2 weeks next time you feel unheard and want to talk things through because while he feels things are resolved and he’s said the right things, you don’t. He is calling the shots. This is going to be hard work. Don’t worry about upsetting your therapist. This should be their daily bread stuff. And talk to your family. Why don’t you want them to feel badly about your husband? He is behaving badly . If I was your parent I would want to listen and support you. If my DD told me her husband was treating her poorly, of course I’d not be happy. I’d try give her space and time if she felt she wanted it, to stay for a while while she thought things through. How do you think your DPs would react if you said you needed to talk to them?

I understand, OP, that it isn't easy to walk away from a marriage when you're pregnant. I think what people are trying to tell you is that he isn't likely to change.

I said that he doesn't respect you because he is so incredibly dismissive of your thoughts and feelings. Your perspective is irrelevant to him and he wants to shut you down as quickly as possible so that normal service can resume. He isn't engaging with your point of view at all because he isn't interested. He has only "apologised" because he wants you to move on and pretend that everything is OK again. The complaints about you dragging things out, and the threats to go away for a "break" if you dare to do it again are simply attempts to manipulate you into accepting his world view.

It doesn't sound like he is open to reflecting on his behaviour or changing his perspective. Why would he, when he is convinced that his take on the world is the only right one and when he refuses to even listen to what you're trying to tell him? So the question is what you're going to do about it.

Do you really want to live your life with someone who treats you like this? Who dismisses every thought and feeling that you might have if it doesn't suit his narrative? Is he going to do the same thing to your child? Honestly, I think he is unlikely to change so you have to decide whether you want to live with him as he is. Even if you get him to listen temporarily - for example, by telling him that you want to leave - I think he is likely to play along for a bit and then revert to type.

If you're not going to leave, then you need to start thinking about copi g strategies. You can't change him so how can you change yourself to minimise the impact that his behaviour has on you? How can you protect yourself and your child?

He doesn't get it because he can't. He isn't you. He isn't in your head. He hasn't lived your life. The most he can do is accept that this is how you interpreted his words and apologise for that. But your white husband is never going to truly understand what it is like to be a POC. He doesn't agree with you that he was being racist because he doesn't believe he was being.

You either have to accept that you have different opinions on this or you have to accept that your husband is racist. You aren't going to change his mind by going on and on at him. All that results in is a half-apology like the one you got.

when he goes to work tomorrow, take a notepad and pen and reread this whole thread.
make notes on what we have said to you, look up any words you do not understand and write their meaning beside the comment that you have noted down

then read all the notes you have made

and hopefully you will understand what has been said / explained to you in 14 pages of your thread.

You are dismissing all the explanations because you don't like them. But that doesn't mean they aren't true. And asking him/MN the same thing over and over isn't going to get you a more palpable answer.

You don't correct people who think you've spent the past 8 Christmases with just his family (maybe because you think it will undermine your argument?) You've presented the situation here in a way that makes your husband sound like a bullying racist so of course people are going to tell you to leave him. They can only go on what you are telling them in the way you are telling it.

He gave you his reason for saying what he said. You don't like it because it says something negative about you. You keep hounding him because you want him to give you a different answer. But if he actually genuinely believes he was making a joke and that your decision to leave his family out is selfish he's not going to give you a different answer. He is just going to get more annoyed, blunt, and dismissive with you which people will continually to tell you is because he's abusive.

Maybe he is racist or maybe he is just fed up of a pattern of you misinterpreting him and beating him with it. Who knows. It's something you need to work through with a therapist. They are better trained at getting you to focus your thoughts, instead of this relentless circular spiraling you're putting yourself through. It's not good for you.

so you dear husband has now informed you that he is going to leave you for 2 weeks if you cause a row with him again ?

So, yes. You are repeatedly asking the same questions hoping that the answers will change, and ignoring the answers you don’t like. That is not a rational approach to solving a problem. You must realise that, surely?

The comments aren’t helpful if you ignore them, no. That’s rather how it works.

He won’t suddenly stop being an abusive racist misogynist (I am going to keep repeating that) because you ignore it, block up your ears and scream ‘la la la’. You need to stop sleep walking through your life. You’re a grown woman and soon to be someone’s mother, with kindness, pull yourself together and deal with this.

Great. I hope it was enlightening. Are you going to read the book?

Just read all your updates and no feel so angry for you and your baby!! This is your parents. He absolutely should be caring and wanting to understand your perspective always. He also cannot just remove himself from any race issues!

I'm so angry for you

But he tried to exclude your family for years and for some of the time you went along with it. Have you asked him why he's a hypocrite?

Or is he rewriting history to suit himself?

Is this part of the reason why your husband is so dismissive of you? You go round and round, asking the same questions even after they have been answered repeatedly. What answer are you waiting for exactly? He has given you a reason for why he said what he said. Other people have given you different reasons. None of it is going in. You're still asking why. Why do you think he said what he said?

You’ve read the entire Lundy Bancroft book that I just linked? That was speedy.

Lots of people have explained it! The comments are literally all still there.

I’ve seen threads where the OP ignored or disagreed with advice before, but I’ve genuinely never seen a thread where the OP straight up pretended half the comments didn’t exist. Are you gaslighting us or yourself?

What name calling?! What are you talking about? Calling him an abusive racist misogynist? That is not name calling. That is describing what he is. There has been no name calling on this thread.

I have written half a dozen comments detailing why he is an abusive racist misogynist. Would you like me to copy and paste them here for you? Multiple people have gone into detail about this.You have had SO MANY explanations. I genuinely don’t understand how, after all these comments, you’re still saying things like What makes you summarise him so much from the small bits of information other thread? Genuinely curious to know. Are you actually reading what’s been written? What’s going on, here?

You’ve been provided with links on abuse. READ THEM. You’re clearly not taking in what’s being said on this thread, so maybe the resources will get through to you. I’m not really sure what else to do.

That he is an abusive racist misogynist. That’s what’s obvious to some of us. We have said it, over and over, but you’re ignoring what we’re saying and then asking the same questions. Again. Over and over. Like you’re hoping the answers will change.

That he is using anything, race, Christmas, his mates, as a stick to beat you with. He is manipulating and abusing you. He's now resorting to calling you mental. Abuse might only start when a woman is trapped ie pregnancy or after giving birth.

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

Yes.