To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

Actually I have no idea, because you'd have thought any race issues would have shown up before now!

I know DH and I had some issues initially, cultural differences we never realised were a thing. Just differences in upbringing, nothing major, just things we needed to talk through rather than argue and ignore.

I think it's important for your husband to know how racial divides might affect your child, because the rest of the world sadly brings enough issues to your doorstep without adding his own.

Maybe he has worried of his own and has expressed it badly, wanting to see you all as a complete unit without thinking it through.

If you have the space I think you should host them together - there’s no reason not to. Ask for help with the preparations and on the day. I do think your approach is a bit strange.

And how’s that going to work moving forward? When you have a child? You take the child off to your family on Xmas day while your husband is at his elderly parents?

Also:

Why if you are pregnant and have many young family members, aren’t getting some help for the day?

Why isn’t your husband assigned with tasks, for example food for his parents?

Finally, no one ever has enough room for guests at Christmas!!! That all part of it and why you end up with kids tables and garden chairs being brought in.

Like your husband, you are looking for excuses. You are putting up a fight over the sake of 4 people. Let your husband take care of them on the day, pick them up and drop them back home. If they are too tired with all the fun and games…then they can retire early and go home.

If it’s really going to be the big disaster you think it’s going to be….then surely showing your husband the reality would be in your favour moving forward when you have your own little family. But I suspect the day will go just fine.

You didn’t answer whether he’s like this other times? Not just race. Is he generally mean to you?

if he isn’t, has the family thing come up before? Just playing devils advocate (and his comment was out of order btw) it can be hard to be from a quiet, reserved culture and be with a ‘louder’ (for want of a better word) culture. He may feel left out. Differences may be brought up unfavourably towards him such as ‘English people are cold’ - as jokes. Or do you speak another language at gatherings often? It can feel quite third wheely and othering - especially with a very strong cultural culture. (Am I making any sense?)

As a child my parents alternated my grandparents coming on Christmas Day & that’s a tradition that’s been continued now I’m an adult. I don’t think it’s unusual as it’s easier to host a smaller group & it can benefit the guests too.

And he will be cooking for everyone in the house you jointly own right?

It's not a race issue. I think the problem is that daughters in law tend to favour their own families and think that their husband's family is second best. Maternal relatives come first so they get invited for Christmas day and the other side of the family have to settle for some other time. Suggest to your husband that HIS family come for Christmas day and yours for Boxing day?

We don’t know nothing, I’m not just making it up. We do know the op is planning to cook, and planning to cook Indian food, & it is extremely reasonable to assume that she expects all her family will like that, any other conclusion would be very strange. We know that she expects her fil won’t like that. Here’s what she says - I plan to cook Indian food mainly too - I understand he would probably want a Roast diner and that's fine. Which is why I felt separate would be better.

so she’s not planning a traditional British meal. We know nothing about whether her dh can /will happily jump in and whip up a roast, I agree.

Hello OP, sorry this is complicated. My best friend is white, married to an Asian man (who was born here). They don’t tend to celebrate Christmas with both families because a) lack of space but also b) my friends family are British and Christian and have a very traditional (but simple and really lovely) Christmas. Church, food, minimal presents, long walks. Her parents in law and siblings in law have embraced some cultural Christmas traditions but for them it’s all about lots of presents, lots of food (but not necessarily traditionally Christmassy food) and staying in watching TV and generally sitting around.

The two families both have a great time but in very different ways.

Both families meet during the year and are equally welcome at birthday parties etc (both grandchildren have summer birthdays so much easier to meet outside and have space!).

Well, I have noticed that, culturally, Indians do have a strong work ethic and are very industrious in many cities around the World. The mother is often called a Tiger mother - the kid is set homework each night and encouraged to work diligently in family businesses alongside the parents.

Of course, I am stating a gross generalisation. I am saying what I personally observe, an anecdote.

Your BIL might be comparing his wife to a less relaxed Indian Tiger mother. More a comment on the customs imposed and learnt incidentally at our mother's feet rather than racism..

You are joking!
I know a number of mixed raise couples whose partners are racists. Their racism often come out when they are angry but even when not. Their idiotic comments include:
It's because you are black (when wife makes a "mistake").
I don't want my kids raised like a black person or with black culture because ....cue a litany of racists tropes.
My brother in law who is Indian and marries yo my black sister, when my nephew was having trouble deciding (gravitating towards it) what to do with life "he is so stupid. I wish I hadn't married a black k woman. If his mother was Indian he would already be at the shop helping me. He is so stupid and it's because he is black"

I have so so many examples from different couples.

Mixed race blended family here. Firstly I would blend Xmas and see how it goes, I think it could be nice.

Secondly, have a frank discussion with your DH. Tell him exactly what you've said here. You don't like him talking about race in that way and you need to agree a way forward about talking about race matters with your future DC. These are important matters so just communicate your feelings and get it out on the table.

You are pregnant and will be hosting over 24 people for Xmas? Tell him he will do the prep and cooking and host duties. Tell him you will help by giving him Asian recipes. He can sort out his cultural food.
And I would more than bristle at "you want ro do your Asian things " So what if you do? Nothing wrong with that. Many people here will tell you there is nothing racists about his attitude by but for me, that statement would give me pause. In fact I think it's likely racists and if we are to give him the benefit of doubt I would day is a flagrant display of his white privilege. Again nothing wrong with you doing Asian things with your Asian family. It's part of who you are.

Might me. But it can be taxing for someone to host over 14 people is a small house, especially when they have vastly different needs and celebration styles. And truth me, it will largely fall on op to sort food, and find common ground. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her suggestion

It is neither normal or abnormal to do Xmas as one blended group or just with one side of the family - different families do it differently and there is no right or wrong. I think a lot of people's expectations is dictated by what they did as kids as this is their normal.

So nothing on the face of it wrong with your suggestion.

However, I do think only children are in a slightly different situation in that if they go with their in-laws it basically leaves their parents alone. I don't know any only children who don't spend Christmas with their parents most years. In my family this means it's a blended Xmas where I spend it with my BIL's parents. Not what I would choose but it's the only way for me to be with my DS and her kids, so it's fine. So I don't think it's unreasonable for your husband to want to have his parents with him on Xmas day.

However, you have rightly identified an issue - you don't think either side would be happy with the other side's version of Xmas, and as your family is bigger and louder they are more likely to dominate and so your DH's family will not enjoy it. Your concern is valid. There are lots and lots of white British people who would not want to eat Indian food on Christmas Day, as an example.

So it creates a difficult situation where you are probably right that having the families apart on Xmas is most sensible but he - underdstandably - doesn't want his parents to be alone. Did you propose days - for example did you propose his family on Xmas day and yours on Boxing Day (or vice versa) and, if so, did that impact his views?

You clearly aren't racist in your proposal, although you are taking into account the impact of your differing races (Indian v Turkey as food, for example). I suspect there may be something underlying in his reaction about not wanting to have an Indian Christmas and instead wanting what he had growing up - which I don't think on it's own is racism, it's just reflecting what he knows and enjoys (Christmas being the hardest tradition to change in families in my experience). He is struggling to adapt and hasn't had to until this year as you have always spent Christmas apart.

Of course he shouldn't have gone to racism and I think you need to sit down and explore why he did and explain why it upset you, but his wanting his parents to be included isn't itself unreasonable and so you need to explore and come to a compromise (all family together, meals prepared that cover Indian and Turkey preferences, one room kept aside as a chill out room if space permits etc etc.)

I'm form a white Christian family and my partner is from a Pakistani Muslim family. We're mixed faith house hold clearly and and mixed race. If we hand the space we'd host everyone. It's how you do it. But we don't we keep it separate etc. his family js so much bigger than mine . Maybe it's about a feeling of us vs them. Or others taking over his traditions or feeling overshadowed. Could be him feeling Christmas is lost for his family. Just feelings I've felt and possibly he's not articulated that well. X

He might have just meant it in terms of culture, like you just want your Asian/family cultures eg Indian food, rather than race as such. (My husband may make a similar comment about my Greek culture.) I would blend personally but see why think separate would be more fun and easier. Maybe he just thinks it would be more fun for your family and leave his out?