To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

Also just wanted to say I don't think OPs husband is racist, he's just making sure his culture and family are not being pushed aside.

My cousin (English) dated an Asian woman and a similar thing happened where she would try to force her culture on us and ignore our own eg one remembrance Sunday she started on about how a few asains had also taught and should be honored as equally as the British ones. When we pointed out that ALL who fought were being honored she wouldn't let it go, ruined the same.

I say this to say you BOTH need to take time to enjoy each other's cultures/traditions. Bring his to Asian celebrations, teach him your culture etc from now so it's not a shock to him when you want you child to learn more than just their white side heritage

You stated it's not the first time he's said something about race you don't like. Not sure why now you have an issue with it because your having his child.

I don't think it's wrong for him to want to have a traditional Christmas with his family around. You need to be more accommodating and open to his culture and wants

Could it be that with more people there, your dh actually is relieved of doing the work of hosting his (perhaps not very lively and enjoyable) family, but means he still gets to tick the box of having done his duty?

I know that Dh finds his family tricky, and tries to arrange seeing them in ways that means he can disappear and not have to actually deal with them (sudden urgency to mow the lawn or trim the hedges as soon as they arrive). He finds it stressful to entertain them one-on-one and would rather it be a larger group setting so he frankly can avoid them and hope someone else does the talking. Could it be similar and he’s made a fuss about race to deflect?

OP you really need to talk to him. Sit him down at a specific quiet moment. I'd even tell him you feel hurt and disrespected, and you think your marriage might be in trouble so if he refuses to talk to you then and there, you should get marriage counselling then.

Did you even tell him why you felt it would be best for his father - frame it that way as you looking out for his father?

We've always blended our families at Christmas

There's absolutely nothing wrong with hosting one side of the family one day and the other on a different day, but I'm not sure how (logistically) you can volunteer to "host Christmas" and then have two separate groups. Did he assume that you wanted to have your family there for Christmas dinner and his at a different time/day (therefore essentially "hosting Christmas" for your side of the family and not his)? I think you'd be better off NOT hosting Christmas for anyone outside of your household and choosing two equally insignificant days (not Christmas Eve or Day, not NYE or Day, and not Boxing Day) near Christmas for the two get-togethers.

my husband immediately accused me of wanting an "Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing." This is completely bizarre if he himself is not Asian. Does he think he's not invited to Christmas at his own house? And why is he saying "we"?

More generally, though, you've got to just discuss the matter with him openly and each listen to what the other has to say; we can all guess at what he's thinking and what lies at the root of his comments but only he can tell you. And it's also pretty important that he understand that you are upset by his comments, and why.

So you've mentioned a couple of times about how talking about race with him doesn't go well - have you sat down and talked about how he needs to work on this so that your child doesn't pick up on this? Because that sounds like the kind of thing you need to address head on before the baby is here... what do you mean he gets stressed?

I can see why he got annoyed as it did look like you were slighting his family and putting preteen e over yours and using a flimsy excuse of their age as the reason why.

Why do you want to deliberately create division between both your families?

I would be annoyed if I was your husband.

The dad might be shy with strangers or he might be a racist. Who knows? If it’s the former board games and card games can help break down barriers. If it’s the latter he’ll turn down the invitation.

she didn't think that his elderly relatives would enjoy a livelier gathering. That has nothing to do with race.

So she should ask them and find out, not just make assumptions.

She didn't say she was concerned about his family "diluting" anything. She just doesn't want to force her family to go along with what she perceives to be the boring celebration that his family prefer, and she didn't think that his elderly relatives would enjoy a livelier gathering. That has nothing to do with race.

And lots of people celebrate Christmas as a cultural festival rather than a religious one.

is that he put it? ‘Little POC thing’? That is very racist and patronising and othering. Really horrible.

together with the comment about being allowed to invite who you would like it sounds as though your husband does see your marriage as a partnership. At some point in an eight year relationship you would become a unit - what shall we do for Christmas. Not separate invite lists and your family and you doing ‘little POC thing’.

honestly I’d be looking at couples counselling pronto. Preferably pre baby as this is a core issue in your relationship - you need to a be a strong partnership for young children. Have you discussed race and cultural issues which will impact your child? Is he Christian? Does he want to have his child christened? Would you be avoiding sending your child to a Church of England school?

Very normal. I say this as a family member of a very ethnically diverse family. The logistics are a nightmare on sheer numbers alone. Your suggestion was perfectly reasonable, his response very odd.

I think you need to talk it out with him and work through it. As a white man he may not appreciate how aggressive this sort of comment can feel. Have the conversation from a place of kindness and education, and see how he responds. There are plenty of books on the subject that can help broach it.

I'd be sitting him down and asking for a serious conversation, because his attack is weird and racist. I'm white, married to a white man, and our parents have met twice (and never for Christmas!). It seems so weird for him to jump to assuming that you want to exclude his family, when it sounds very much like his father in particular won't enjoy it.

Is he being radicalised online at all? I'd worry that he's had some sort of Farage worming into his ear, and is now expecting you and your child to completely jettison your family's culture and traditions in favour of his own.

Or, being generous, maybe it's just a reaction to underlying resentment that's been building - jealousy and sadness, knowing that his parents are coming to the end of their lives, and in knowing that his time with his dad having any comprehension is limited. Perhaps he has nostalgia for his childhood Christmases if they were very traditional, and resents diverging away from that (particularly as you've described it as 'just another day' for yourself).

Whatever the reason though, he's acted like a tosspot.

If you do end up hosting everyone, make it very clear he's expected to pull his weight in terms of cooking, cleaning, etc.

So…..what he said was correct then?

It wasn’t about race, it was about culture. That you wanted an Asian Christmas …and for that not be be ‘diluted’ by having his family there. You see it as preserving your traditions. Which means…none of his.

Is your family Christian? Surely if you are celebrating Christmas there is enough commonality between the two families to celebrate a culturally christian festival?

I also notice you are only responding to posters that are egging you on with the race issue and you aren’t answering any of the logical questions.

OP, is it that he thinks that Christmas isn't really "your" festival so he assumes that his family should have first dibs on it, or that their way of doing it is the only "right" one. (Assuming, of course, that your family aren't Christian, which I appreciate they might be.)

It doesn't sound like his elderly parents would enjoy the kind of lively celebration that you're planning with a range of different cusines, so your approach seems quite reasonable. What does he actually want? For your family to go along with his version of a traditional, quiet, staid Christmas with a roast etc. Surely he can see that it needs to be enjoyable for them too?

I'd be really concerned by him bringing race into the conversation and would want to have this out with him properly. There is a danger it will get worse when your dc comes along, so I think getting some counselling or something now might be a very good idea.

I think you sound really thoughtful OP. Me and DH are both white, from the same city, very similar working class backgrounds, same number of siblings. We host our families separately because they're very, very different!!

One family likes a louder, boozy Christmas with card games, board games and quite relaxed. The other family is quiet and would hate it if we got out a board game. We've both come to appreciate how the other family likes their Christmas, but why should our families have to do that?

We do a year with each, with a year by ourselves in between each one. This works perfectly, especially as we have we each have three siblings so the parents rotate being hosted by one of their children each year now they're getting older.

I think your idea of alternating it fair and thoughtful, especially to his family because usually the louder and bigger family will set the tone for days like these. You could say his parents are welcome to join on your family's years, but that they'll have to be aware it will be different than what they're used to. It must be hard for your DH as an only child to know his parents are by themselves on Christmas day, so that would acknowledge that.

Having said all this, you need to have a serious conversation with DH about why he said what he did! He could be being manipulative. At the same time, something could have happened in a past meeting with your family to make him feel like this and you're not aware of it. I hope you get it sorted out and I hope your pregnancy goes well.

Christmas is a time for family and you’re about to welcome a new member to both families. If you keep designate one room as a quiet sitting/tv/chat room I can’t see what the problem is.

This thread isn’t about Christmas, it’s you expressing anxiety about an unpleasant attack from your husband when you are pregnant. Better focus on that than discussing other people’s Christmas plans. His comment is weird in the circumstances.