To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

I think your DH is being unreasonable. It sounds like you’ve thought what would be best for both sides of the family - quiet and calm for his (I agree that noisy, excited kids and teens could really be upsetting and uncomfortable for someone with dementia).

Is it possible that he’s a bit envious of your large, extended family, with being an only child? Maybe a sense of what he missed/is missing out on? Does he feel included in your family?

Id be very upset to be on the receiving end of comments like “ Doing your Asian thing”.

This needs a proper, calm talk to express how what he said comes across and what’s behind his comments and where you go from here about accommodating and respecting both your cultures and families. I don’t think your suggestion is at all unreasonable. It sounds sensible.

You are being hurt and disrespected. Anyone who tells you that you are “too sensitive “ just wants to firce you to deny your feelings. Why should you? You are the right level if sensitive—some might call it aware—for yourself.

What part are you not understanding, that in order to fulfil her own families traditions and customs, she is choosing not to invite her husbands family because she doesn’t want them there to have an impact on her day.

If a host has people round, the guests don’t dictate how the day runs. The host does. She can run her day exactly how she wants, and still offer for his family to come round. It up to them to make the decision if they want to go or not knowing what’s planned for the day.

She doesn’t have to give up any of her traditions …at all! It’s simply a case of adding extras into it.

But she’s doesn’t want that, because she doesnt want his family there. She stated that as a POC that she wants a day to not have to make accommodations. Therefore her husband is pointing out that precise point!!!!

Late to this, but yes. YANBU

I grew up in a mixed race fam (my adoptive dad’s fam were Iranian asylees) and despite being muslim they love christmas (family and food!). Both sides of family tends to only come together for events that impact both sides - ie our wedding, christenings, our kids’ 18ths etc.

We have always tended to have my DH’s fam for Christmas because they 4hrs away, are aging, so visiting for 4 days is best for them. There have been the odd occasion where my dad/sisters came on Boxing day for lunch when my nephew/kids were young and it was practical (the kids went off to play) but usually they’ve come to us for NY so we’ve seen them separately. They all like each other, so no drama, but Christmas means different things to each family and is louder when everyone descends… no-one has ever played the race card.

So, no, it’s totally acceptable to separate the families from time to time, but your DH needs to interrogate his unconscious biases. I can absolutely see that his comment was hurtful and would definitely take issue with my own DH if he had ever made a similar comment about my family.

OP you asked upthread why christmass is so triggering—and I wouldd add “why now” and I think the answer is obvious: it us because you are pregnant. He is realizing for the first time, viscerally, that you are taking over his mother’s place as “the mother” and hostess of celebrations. I’m n the future it us very likely that you both will continue to have major celebrations at yours rather than going to family. Plus if you split holidays and take the baby to your family then his parents “lose out” (see also single child, father with dementia, older smaller family).

He chose to lash out and frame the problem as one of race, using racism, because he fears that in the new bkended family he will be swamped and “lose out”.

The race accusation remains unforgivable, in my eyes. It should never have been in his arsenal and tool kit. But there is a ton of white british ressentiment around being displaced or pushed around or made self conscious about white privilige which is on display in this thread so its not surprising.

There are multiple posts explaining this and giving examples. As was previously stated, slave owners had long term relationships and multiple children with women who they didn’t even consider full human beings. People have given examples from their own lives of racist partners flinging racist abuse at them/their loved ones/their mixed race children.

Lots of people, particularly men, do not need to respect the people who they have sex with/marry/have kids with. It’s the exact same logic as a misogynist marrying a woman. It happens every day.

And the reason people think it’s racist is because OP’s comments include her husband saying and doing racist things. Even in the she states he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

So, what part aren’t you understanding?

I understand that. But that’s what’s implied. She stated that as a POC that she wanted one day to have her traditions are the forefront and not take a back seat.

Then why doesn’t she let her husbands family decide if they think they will be bored or not?

Shes going round in circles, looking for posters to back her up in not wanting his in laws there and make the husband look like the racist.

we’ve had:

• they’re old and won’t enjoy the day
• that There’s not enough room at the inn …for 4 extra people.
• that she can do a separate day
• Thats is all planned (we are weeks away)

But she’s removing the choice from the husband and his family.Why? Because she doesn’t want them there. End of.

Her reasons are her own and they ARE related to her families traditions and customs and not having to curtail them in anyway to accommodate others. Now that’s fine, but it doesn’t make the husband wrong. It makes what he said true. But the OP doesn’t like that because it then makes her look bad and not the husband.

Both the husband and OP sound extremely immature.

The same way that some men who are married to women are still misogynists.

I think he deliberately chose a response that he knew would hurt you most.
He may have felt his family were being excluded but instead of discussing that with you like an adult he has tried to hurt you, bit of an arsehole

Its racist becsuse it expresses bigoted and negative views towards an entire race. This isn’t hard. Racist views are not rare! And they are not just a harmless form of ethnic pride.

I don't understand how anyone who marry's a person of a different colour and culture can be considered racist. Can someone explain this to me, as while the DH in this scenario has made what appears to be a racist comment, how can he be racist if he's chosen to marry the OP, who is from a totally different race and culture?

Having just had an interesting conversation about this with my DH, we came to the conclusion that the OP's DH is NOT racist, but may struggle with her culture, or even her specific family's way of celebrating.

This would actually be no different to an English couple, coming from families who choose to celebrate in different ways, ie, one of the couple has been used to a 'Hampshire' Christmas (because they come from Hampshire) being about going to church, having a traditional roast dinner, followed by an afternoon walk, and presents opened at tea time, while the other partner's family, from Yorkshire, (please no one from Yorkshire take offence this is purely for demonstration purposes), start their day with Buck's Fizz, and continue to booze all day, ending up with a dinner which is ruined because the cook is too pissed to do the job properly, and a punch up to round things off. In this scenario, you would understand it if the person who is used to the more traditional church led Christmas, were to accuse their partner of wanting a "Yorkshire-only Christmas where we just do our own Yorkshire thing."

So while this whole post seems to have developed into it being a racist thing, it isn't that at all, but simply that he isn't keen on ONLY celebrating Christmas the OP's way, rather than them joining the two methods of celebrating, to make a new tradition for their own family.

What a joke post.

He's the one who's insisted on seeing his own family every year.

He's the one who finally agreed to take it in turns, but backed out at the last minute on the year he was suppose to see OPs family.

OP favouring her family my arse.

OP, I'm sorry that you feel like you have to have evidence to be able to bring up any disagreements etc with your husband.

Do you feel like he just talks over you/ convinces you you're wrong if you don't have evidence?

Did you miss that:

• her husband wants to go to his parents every year for Christmas
• agreed to rotate each year between parents but then bailed when it was OPs turn
• called OP racist
• called OP selfish for wanting to see her own family every other Christmas

OP is not the one who wants everything her own way.

I don't need to elaborate. My post was clear enough. You want to cause division and favour your own family.

Favouring your own family is understandable but then you should accept that your husband is not going to like that and will comment on it.

You also sound very controlling. If this was a man trying to boss everyone around and say oh but that ones old so they had better not come when there also young people around is really unpleasant.

It's not caring it's controlling, don't try and pass it off as such.

Being hurt and disrespected by your own husband MEANS your marriage is in trouble. To any thinking person.

And even if you didn't feel it was, you should say that to him just to shock him into acting.

Not even closet. From her comments, he’s not been subtle about it. She’s not addressing it, though. She has somehow been fine not bringing up race issues because they make him weird and uncomfortable and all conversations end badly. For almost a decade.

She decided that this was the man she was going to marry and have mixed race kids with. And now that it’s starting to go to pot, she’s astonished and asking ‘do you think he has a problem with my family?’ and ‘why would you say that my marriage to this man who does and says racist things might be a bit messed up?’

I think she’s more concerned that she’s married a closet racist

Hi OP

I'm also a British Indian female, married to a white man, so fully sympathise with the challenges and confusion that can arise in cross-culture relationships, especially when it comes to wider family dynamics.

We don't have children but hope to one day, and I often already think about how we will navigate such issues as parents, so I can see why this situation coupled with you being pregnant has affected you so much.

It sounds like the specific issue here is that you have Family 1 which is larger, more boisterous and celebrates through games, music etc. whereas you have Family 2 which is smaller, calmer and prefers less going on, and these are the specific differences that drove you to think about planning separate, tailored Christmas events. But rather than considering those aspects of difference (which could be just as true if Families 1 and 2 were from the same culture/heritage), your husband has just boiled it down to the most basic, visible difference which is that Family 1 is Indian and Family 2 is English, which is incredibly disappointing and hurtful. It's probably him (wrongly) lashing out due to being triggered somehow by the suggestion of two different events and reminder that your families are different in their natures and preferences (part of which is down to different cultures). It's not a good reaction at all but I don't think it automatically makes him a "racist bigot".

The fact is that your families are from different cultures so this is going to have an impact throughout life, but this difference in culture does not then become the knee jerk answer/comment when issues pertaining to the wide spectrum of their differences arise, especially not when communicated with such sloppy/hurtful language like "Asian thing" (that's seriously not OK and he needs to be properly pulled up on that and dissect how he got there..).

There are so many threads about issues concerning two sets of in-laws because of how different they are, and that's before any cross-culture considerations, so he's wrong to just shout the "culture" card. It makes him sound like an idiot incapable of logical reasoning and hurts you.

Pare it back and talk to him about how he got there from the start of whatever conversation(s) you both had that resulted in him saying that, otherwise if it's not Christmas it will be Diwali or a family wedding or something else that brings this to the surface again.

Having a baby is stressful and can bring out a lot of your own childhood baggage also people just tend to be a bit fed up / more irritable towards year end.

I’m with posters who think it’s more likely an underlying issue with HIMSELF
ie
he has issues with his own family and wants to dilute them / box tick time with them
or…
he is sad / jealous he doesn’t have a big clan or…
he maybe feels a bit out his comfort zone with just your extended family especially if they switch between languages a lot.

my DH could be described as easy going people pleaser but weirdly with me ONLY ME 🧐 he will double down on stuff like this that is just plain weird / crazy… I normally have to dig a bit to find out what the real issue is

Edit: saw your last update 😮 if he wants a roast for his family he can bloody well cook it.

Sounds like u want things yr own way then r hurt when u r called out on it.

Has anyone asked your in-laws what they would prefer?

You are right to be concerned. Quite a few people struggling with deafness combined with dementia would find a large, noisy, gathering of people they don't know well hard to deal with. I would have your DH ask them to see what they would like to do.

His comment was patronizing and nasty and I can see why you are upset.

Now THIS seems like a much more likely scenario, than anything else to me. English men are pretty useless at entertaining their own families, and all too often it falls to the wife/partner to do the 'entertaining', so having lots of people there, rather than just his own family, makes it easier for him to disappear, and then if his parents comment, he has the ready made excuse of, 'well, I had so many people to host, so couldn't spend all my time with you'.

I would go for same day with overlap as a compromise. His older family come in the morning for an Xmas brunch, yours arrive in the afternoon for the main meal. All eat together, then his family can go when they choose having had some time with you together and with everyone. Your family can stay later for the party fun.