AiBU to feel resentful?

Mine is like this too op. It used to really upset me that he didn't make the effort but I've come to realise that's just how he is and the options are leave or suck it up. Like you I know the grass wouldn't be greener. My love language is very much doing things for people/people doing things for me, whereas his is more physical affection so I suspect that's why he doesn't understand why planning a day/evening out is so important to me. Equally I'm not a very affectionate/physically demonstrative person so he possibly feels the same way I do about that.

I see this as a real ‘glass half empty’ mindset.
You have described an amazingly supportive and fun DH, yet are focused on one aspect of his character that irks you.

What would he say about you? Are you perfect?

Are you me? This is pretty much my life too and I was going to respond in a similar fashion!

Hallelujah to this

We have fallen into our roles naturally. DH is the date rememberer,(not really a word, I know), while I am the pick up gift person. He remembers appointments and reminds me what needs to be done, or where I need to be. He's always been brilliant at that, and I love to see him sit down with a new calendar and mark in everyone's birthdays, etc.

If we have a dinner party planned, he'll clean like mad while I shop and prep. He's the bartender, I'm the gravy-maker. He sends me to bed to do clean up.

I do almost all the admin, but he trusts me to do it, and I can find a receipt from three years ago if something quits before it's warrantee date. He does all the lawn/window/house maintenance, but can't keep bathroom faucets shiny.

I guess the thing I'm saying is that we have worked out equal if different roles, and I wouldn't be upset if he never planned a vacation. That is one of my strengths. I think you need to work out if one person is doing more than the other, maybe one or two jobs can switch.

Can you offload some of your roles to him, freeing up time to organize admin?

and also be clear about the expectation so he can handle it. I.e book something for us for next Friday

Do you really want the hassle of giving people orders? Why don't you divide chores out or take it in turns?

I never understand these threads. Where’s the harm in working to your strengths within a marriage

Such a passive aggressive post. Why is she hard work? I think she's been extremely respectful of her husband. She's entitled to want to be shown he's thinking of her - a handful of times in 20 years.

I would down tools and see how long it takes him before he gets it.

@user1492757084 she's a hard person to please because she'd like one thing organised in 20 years? Ok.

If I were you, I would just organise the structure.
Including a clause/plan for him to review the structure in six months time and implement any changes that he feels are needed.

Be thankful for all the other qualities your DH brings.

You seem like a hard person to please so maybe your husband has subconsiously accepted that you are much better at organising things to meet your high espectations.
Rejoice in your own skills.

I've always organized most of our holidays and days out but occasionally my DH will make a suggestion unprompted. Im happy to do this most of the time because I love it! Ultimately I get to pick where we go which is a bonus.
I'd say if your DH has always been like this and it's never been a problem before dont expect him to change much. You can't change people 🤷‍♀️

You say your husband is a really good man and dad. Loyal, upright, kind, supportive and really genuinely funny and emotionally intelligent.

But his inability/reluctance to arrange anything is causing you resentment now.

Nobody is perfect.

I know this is a generality and I'm likely to get shot down in flames, but most men are like this! Admin and organisation aren't one of their strong points. I agree with daisychain - don't make this an issue because you won't win. Dh doesn't see the point, doesn't see it as important, so he's never going to step up to the mark on this one and you're going to store up grief for yourself if you carry on like this.

Sounds like you love and respect him, OP.

Is it really worth getting so het up over? Can't you be the one who's good at organising trips, and let him be the one who's good at XYZ? (Unless there is no XYZ).

My DH is the best person I know, yet he can't do DIY if a million quid depended on it.

When we were both younger, it really used to irrationally annoy me 🙈

Yet now we just get a person in.

If he's a good man and you feel supported in other ways, maybe you just accept the trade off - no one is perfect.

Op i get you. We are at 20 years and i'm the practical, organiser, diy-doer and i've suddenly started to resent it massively, being jealous of women with practical husbands / swooning at tv farmers!
He does all the cooking (3dc) and is a really hands-on dad, pickups dropoffs etc. His light-heartedness / funniness was one of the major attractions as i am very stiff upper lip and serious but now it gives me the ick, feeling like the only adult in the family.
Basically he does no chore that he's not interested in / doesn't enjoy, i.e. everything except shopping and cooking.
I'm majorly peri, on masses of HRT so hoping i will get over it in time. I feel very petty! I've changed - he hasn't

I've been married to a man like this for 38 years and it never changes. Years ago I was like you and tried the discussing, cajoling, nagging, getting annoyed approach and he'd briefly make a lame effort ("let's go out for a meal" Usually the same pub, no imagination). His usual retort was "But I don't know what you want to do", I got sick of saying "just make a suggestion!"

Anyway, no amount of discussion has ever changed anything for more than a brief period so I don't even think about it now. I see stuff I want to do and either mention it to him that I'm going and does he want to come, or I go with friends. Often if I go with friends he'll say "I would have liked that" WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU SUGGEST IT THEN!?

Yesterday I spent the evening booking tickets for a Christmas eve event, a boxing day event and a twixmas break (including adult DC and DGC) and basically told him this is what we're doing. He was delighted.

He does really love holidays and will suggest and organise the big ones, but I think otherwise he just can't be arsed as it's an effort.

Sorry, not much. Help, but at least you know you're not alone.

Maybe your DH isn't that bothered about going away. Maybe he sees it as a hassle to organise everything and OK he might enjoy it when it's all planned, but he isn't that fussed either way.

We had a big fight over it a few weeks ago and he booked a nice day for us for our anniversary, as a result. But it’s bittersweet (more bitter) when you have to fight for something small.

madness is doing the same thing time and time after time, and expecting a different result. He has never been one to organise anything so why keep expecting it to be different. Acceptance is probably a more healthy option.

its like people who wish their DH would buy them a lovely Christmas present, beautifully wrapped and lovingly presented when their DH can't stand Christmas doesn't see the point and can't wait for Jan 2nd. No amount of mithering and moaning about it will ever change that fact. In fact continuing to go on about Christmas, organising events, whatever, when the person just can't see the point, becomes quite burdensome and a bone of contention. You do you and let your DH do the things he's good at.

He's no more like you now than when you fell in love with him.

You wouldn't respect him if he let you change him now.

Be careful you don't make both your lives a misery.

And if its special events make it clear-
You want him to organise things for your birthday, alternate anniversaries, valentines or whatever it is you care about. Not organising your own birthday is a fair boundary!
But if you do things as a couple, don't most things require a conversation and mutual effort to make sure you are both available/want to do it? Or do you want (yuck ) suprises?

Does he particularly WANT to do the things you are organising? I mean, if you stopped and you didn't go anywhere or do anything would he notice/mind?
As if he doesn't especially want to do these things and wouldn't miss them it's not surprising if he doesn't think or organising them.
Re him wanting a plan, that doesn't seem much of an ask to me.
I mean, if its as simple as you each plan a month then hey- that's going to take approx 60 seconds to schedule and you are done for rhr year.

What kind of things are you talking about organising though?
If its holidays, researching and booking then that's a stressful job and I'd say either split it alternate trips, or split the jobs. So one of you does flights/places to eat and the other does accommodation and days out for example.

If its visiting people then hey'lets have xyz over for dinner seems so low effort I'm not sure id care. But you could make it that he is responsible for keeping in touch with his family and you yours. Him any friends thst are more his and vice versa.

I know you want him to think of all this for himself but I think you are being unreasonable and cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Literally sit down and have coffee together one time and make a list. Job done and hopefully a lot of stress alleviated for the next few months ar least, if you just seethe quietly and refuse to discuss it with him then you are just making yourself miserable.

I'll be honest though, I'm wondering how active your life is thst it takes that much organising, I think I'm more a go nowhere and do nothing kind of person 🤣

@Plansomethingalready ah right, well ok then. Do that - alternate months. On the calendar. Job done. If that's all it needs to be he's already come up with it. Lots of threads on here about this though - that they'll do anything they are asked to do but can't use initiative which still puts the impetus on the women to remember, see, plan, schedule.

I bet if it was stuff for something he really wanted to do ie a hobby he'd mysteriously manage to be self motivated and capable or arranging it. I find it pathetic too OP.