To think DH’s lack of DIY skills should not have endangered my father?

I think then that you're back to my first suggestion- either you do the DIY or you employ someone to do it.

If you asked him to make a birthday cake knowing that he was shit at baking, didn't enjoy baking and didn't have any interest in baking, then said you wanted to murder him when the cake didn't rise and he left egg shell in it that got stuck in someone's teeth, he'd probably get a bit defensive then too.

Don't exhaust yourself forcing him to admit fault, where would that get you? He fucked up, but keeping it in perspective, he didn't tighten one screw. It was a mistake. I'm not sure what you want? The more you try and force an apology the less one will be forthcoming, they don't work like that.

I do all the IKEA assembly in our house - dh cannot be trusted. I used to think it was strategic incompetence but it isn’t - he just rushes to get everything done bc he dislikes diy/finds it boring.

I actually find it quite therapeutic putting together a set of malm drawers - can do it in my sleep now!

@RussellJack the trick to ikea furniture is to also buya bottle of wood glue and glue every joint and every dowel as you go. the I have two tall sets of bedroom drawers which have been in constant use for 25 years!! chairs for 15 years!

Depends if you’re one of those blokes who doesn’t believe in reading the instructions

@RussellJack I have done all the diy in my house for the whole of our married life! dab hand a papering and painting, wall tiling, floor tiling, laying laminate flooring etc etc, i just dont touch electicity, water or gas but i have replaced countless brushes, fan belts and door seals in washing machines! hubby is useless!

There's a lot of issues mixed up into one post here.

The first is that he's bad at DIY. This is no big deal, lots of people aren't. If you're better at DIY, the obvious answer is you do it. If neither of you are any good, buy furniture already assembled and employ tradespeople to do anything else.

The second is that he refuses to admit fault when he's made a mistake, which is problematic and not easy to solve, which leads into the third, which you've alluded to, that he doesn't pull his weight with regards to household tasks. If he could readily admit that DIY was not his strength, it would be an easy enough conversation to say that from now on, he needs to be responsible for, for example, laundry, so you have more time for DIY tasks. If he's insisting there's nothing wrong with his DIY skills, that's a harder conversation.

My mum will never admit she is wrong about anything, ever. So it is nothing to do with being a man - it is personality based, not sex based. No idea what you can do about it apart from accept it as part of the flawed human being he is. I suppose it depends if it is a personality flaw you can can live with, or not. You can't change people in any fundemental way, you can ther love and accept them warts and all, or you can't, I guess.

Yes it’s cheap and poor quality. For those reasons it is quickly disposed of. Not great for the planet or our pockets: buy less that’s better.

Does anyone know what to actually do with the defensiveness?
Make it less humiliating/uncomfortable for him to admit mistakes. People usually avoid admitting mistakes where they fear the repercussions.

The reason being it’s cheap and has very little resale value compared to ready built solid wood furniture rather than it necessarily falling apart

Knowing your dh was useless at diy I surprised you thought it was a good idea to give him the job and didn’t double check it. As we were not there, none of us know whether his defensiveness is down to you immediately blaming him as soon as it happened. I’d be blowed if I’d apologise if I was immediately rounded on for doing something wrong that my dh knew was out of my capabilities before giving me the task.

Sure, are these all flat pack items? Or do you mean things like sofas? Cushions? Whenever I visit our local dump, it’s mostly IKEA furniture being dropped, there’s a reason for that!

It sounds like you don't like him very much tbh.

I don't understand why you're so angry at him, he didn't do it on purpose and he only did it because you wouldn't do it. He's probably defensively because you're so obviously furious at him.

Unless you think this was a particularly half-hearted assassination attempt I’m not sure what else there is to do. Make sure your dad is ok, apologize that your furniture let him down, and move on. Next time there’s DIY stuff you do it and ask your DH to do something more in his wheelhouse, and/or find space in the household budget to reduce the DIY. I certainly wouldn’t volunteer to your dad that your DH had put the chair together, but would instead just take an “our home, our guest, our honest mistake” tact in the moment.

As for the defensiveness… there are a few things that contribute to defensiveness, often in combination: ego, insecurity, and apprehensiveness about the other party overreacting/harping/using it against you. It’s easy to get in a loop - person A is reluctant to admit fault, person B makes a big deal of it and is determined to get an admission of guilt, and person A becomes more resistant to letting their shield down in the face of perceived criticism… and the loop continues to get stronger. No one here can know which of those are in play, but your reaction in your initial post makes me wonder if some of that is happening in your relationship. People are ultimately more likely to apologize when they feel like the error will be quickly forgiven and not brought up again.

Reminds me of someone we hired, he managed to put a small side table together with the top and bottom reversed and it wouldn't even sit flush on the floor because of a screw...he cared not and seemed to think it was the table's fault.

It's not the best quality because it's not proper wood, but all my Ikea furniture is still going strong 20 years later.

If your dh does not have the ability to do DIY then pay for a handyman(or woman) to come and do it.

I told my dh that he did his job which he was excellent at, and that is why we paid for decorators to decorate the house as tho he could decorate, it wasn't something he was good at. nor enjoyed.

I feel this is about more than a flat pack chair.

I'm not sure why you expected him to something you know he's not great at, then moaned when he wasn't great at it?

Sorry. Massive IKEA flat pack wardrobes complete with however many self assembly drawers and fittings you care to fill them with. Looks so much more impressive. As you say, you understood my point however badly communicated!😀

Pax is an Ikea product (not sure which one - presumably one of the more complicated items) and gubbins is just... gubbins.

Yes it was a big mistake but IME chairs are deceptively annoying and time consuming. I'm a fair DIYer, I can plaster, tile, build shelves from scratch etc. I hate doing flat pack chairs. Laugh this one off and promise to do the next 6 chairs yourself. They are a PITA. I'd much rather do a couple of Pax with all the gubbins.