Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is his wife using him?

34 replies

rainingitspouring2 · 17/11/2024 17:45

My DB (Brother) is married and has 2 young children. His wife is from another country in Europe and she has recently returned home while my brother stays here and continues to work.
They are building a house in said country. He works all hours under the sun and sends every penny he makes to her.
Recently we found out the house he is building is under her name and not his and she also got annoyed with him because he booked to go over at Xmas to see her and the children but she said he could make double money over Xmas and it was a wasted opportunity.
We found out he also has credit cards we told him he doesn't need them as he is a high earner but she was not happy that we encouraged him to pay them off and cut them up.
I don't want to get involved and intrude on their relationship and appreciate she wants the house built asap. The plan is for him then to move over himself one day but he doesn't speak the language and doesn't have many transferable skills in the town they are building in.
AIBU to think some of this is ringing alarm bells?
I fear once the house is finished she will want a divorce? Should I say something as he is my brother and I want to look out for him. Or is this quite a common set up in this kind of long distance scenario and I should mind my business?

OP posts:
bellocchild · 17/11/2024 18:37

People should think very carefully about these two-country arrangements. I know of a couple who got together in the UK, married, and had one child here, and now another one.They returned to her home country (Poland) and started to build a life there. She's near her family and she's happy. He, on the other hand, isn't: he doesn't speak Polish, and isn't particularly good at languages, bar a little school French - so he can't find work. They need him to work, with a wife and two children to support. It's tricky.

Original poster
rainingitspouring2 · 17/11/2024 18:22

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/11/2024 17:51

Typically these kinds of set-ups are transactional. He gets a significantly better looking/more agreeable partner, she gets money. He may be happy with that trade, many men are. Until it goes wrong.

Since he's a grown adult, all you can do is be there, be 'curious' a lot, rather than saying you don't like it, and hope it works out.

I think this may be the case but obviously can't be sure. She couldn't do enough for him at first but that has all seemed to stop now. Lots of moaning and not a great deal of communication other than talk of budgeting etc. I don't want to be cynical but I also want to look out for him too. Not sure what to do..

OP posts:
Womblewife · 17/11/2024 18:10

It sounds well dodgy, but he is a grown man and needs to deal with his own life.

Original poster
rainingitspouring2 · 17/11/2024 18:08

LIZS · 17/11/2024 17:59

Just because he is well off doesn 't mean he can or should exist without cc. Buying and paying off the balance each month can help cashflow and credit rating. There may be an advantage to the property being in his dw name, some areas you can only buy with a local connection or permanent residency.

This is good to know I actually didn't think of that and you're right perhaps there are benefits to it not being in his name. I just worried when he told me that if something goes wrong he will be left without much..

OP posts:
NinaOakley · 17/11/2024 18:04

It would be ringing alarm bells for me, too. Be supportive but curious! See what you can find out about property and divorce law in the country in question.

ByVividRaven · 17/11/2024 18:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LIZS · 17/11/2024 17:59

Just because he is well off doesn 't mean he can or should exist without cc. Buying and paying off the balance each month can help cashflow and credit rating. There may be an advantage to the property being in his dw name, some areas you can only buy with a local connection or permanent residency.

EvilsElsasPetSnowman · 17/11/2024 17:54

Gosh I’m really close to my brothers but could never imagine telling them what they should do financially and saying they should cut up credit cards! It sounds all very overprotective and overfamiliar.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/11/2024 17:51

Typically these kinds of set-ups are transactional. He gets a significantly better looking/more agreeable partner, she gets money. He may be happy with that trade, many men are. Until it goes wrong.

Since he's a grown adult, all you can do is be there, be 'curious' a lot, rather than saying you don't like it, and hope it works out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread