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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM + Nanny

334 replies

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 14:57

I’d be very grateful for some non judgemental views. I’ll start by saying that where we live in central London - Nannie’s are very popular!

I have two children who have a one year age gap exactly. So I am still in maternity leave with my second. Given the close age gap, we have a lovely nanny who is very much part of our family. She is really lovely and I look forward to seeing her everyday.

She helps me a lot - particularly taking my toddler to tonnes of stay and plays and baby classes and also taking care of them both so I can go to the gym etc.

I am really happy with my arrangement and we financially can afford it. But I went to a friends birthday over the weekend, and people looked at me with shock/confusion that I do not currently work (but I will go back in 6m) and also have a nanny. I didn’t disclose this info to them quickly but when it slipped into conversation it made me feel almost guilty…that I should be doing this with them both myself rather than having someone to help

Sorry for rambling it just got me down. But the way I see it is that she is lovely, it makes my life easier and I am happy! And I can afford it. It just made me feel bad.

OP posts:
Hagr1d · 17/11/2024 17:37

They're jealous.

I have 12 months between my eldest two. I had zero help, a husband who worked away and had only recently moved to a different city so no friends. No time for myself, completely isolated and struggling. My mental health wasn't good. I wish I had been able to afford a nanny.

I say good for you, there are no prizes for being a martyr. Well done for setting a good example to your daughters- looking after yourself is important.

Itoldyousoo · 17/11/2024 17:37

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 17:22

I think it’s very rude of a poster to suggest my husband thinks I may get PND without a nanny! Bizarre

I've never seen so much jealousy disguised as " care" for you 😂

truegum81 · 17/11/2024 17:36

so these friends barely knew you

ok

you were at a party and they were just chewing the fat with a virtual stranger. Unbeknownst to them… you’ve then strewed on it and dedicated sunday afternoon to posting dozens and dozens of posts about it! 😆

Londonmummy66 · 17/11/2024 17:35

SO basically they thought you should have given your nanny notice when you went off for maternity with number 2? How very odd. I don't know anyone who didn't keep their nanny whilst on their second maternity leave (including me)). It helps to maintain the routine etc for the elder child

truegum81 · 17/11/2024 17:34

She helps me a lot - particularly taking my toddler to tonnes of stay and plays and baby classes

I loved baby classes!

I can almost guarantee that when you’re back full on at work and balancing everything you would give your right arm to be with your baby at one of those classes

Itoldyousoo · 17/11/2024 17:33

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:23

@Itoldyousoo

Gosh just the opposite

However to hell if I’m going to have a nanny by my side whilst I’m raising my babies! Hell no!

But that’s my view on the situation!

For example Id never marry and have kids with a man who needed a nanny by his side all week - I just wouldn’t - sorry I can’t change my worldly view to fit in with yours!

No one is expecting you to but YOU are commenting adversely about someone who does things their way. You do you and let them do them 😂

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:31

wow so because I and I’m sure many others would not want a nanny during maternity we are either jealous or mean?

I think that’s a bit mean tbh!

Cant you see it from my side?

Canogapark · 17/11/2024 17:31

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 15:03

Fortunately these are more friends of friends! 😂! Most I have never met!

Their main shock was that I go out and have time for myself some days eg swimming.

Show quote history

It’s jealousy pure and simple. More to the point, you’re not a sahm, you’re on maternity leave. Anyone slating you for managing to carve come time for yourself is suffering from the green eyed monster.

Original poster
Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 17:29

There’s no need to be so mean. Thank you to the posters who have been nice. Gosh MN has changed.

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 17/11/2024 17:29

No-one would bat an eyelid if you’d kept the older one in nursery. I did the same and the days with two of them together were harder- very different stages and interests. I can also say that I got to see both sides of the coin as my eldest had to leave nursery due to Covid and she was devastated . It made me realise she would have hated it if I’d pulled her out while I was on mat leave.

In your circs, you have a nanny you like. It would be madness to have let her go and then look to recruit another one. Continuity and trust is so important. You’ll be paying a premium for that level of childcare but you sort of have to keep her on retainer for your mat leave so you haven’t got much choice.

truegum81 · 17/11/2024 17:28

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 17:26

To clarify, financially even if we split I could afford our nanny (can rely on my salary and savings and have money left).

Show quote history

so very big hectic full on job when you do return

i don’t envy you op

truegum81 · 17/11/2024 17:27

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:26

Full time

🤷

Op going back in 6 months
and life will be much more hectic and she’ll look back on this tiny window where she wasn’t… fondly. And also feel a bit sheepish about this silly threat of hers!

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/11/2024 17:27

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:14

There is just no way that I would pay for a full time nanny whilst on maternity leave

Absolutely not.

If you think I am jealous then you are truly mistaken.

@Ytcsghisn

i don’t think I was passive aggressive I think I made my opinion quite clear?

Just because a handful of people have come on and said you are great for doing this it doesn’t mean there’s millions of others who wouldn’t do it

And for the same reasons as me!

Simply as you can understand why she does it why not simply understand why I wouldn’t

It’s for the same reasons as why I kept DS in nursery FT when I was on maternity leave with my twins. I was paying for it anyway and to keep his space in nursery.

Original poster
Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 17:26

ShinyShona · 17/11/2024 17:23

Fair enough. However, you should be aware of the risk you carry if this becomes a long term arrangement and the relationship ever broke down for any reason (and single earners aren't always honest about how they feel about supporting another adult not to work long term).

You could drop the nanny when mat leave ends and go full pelt into the role of SAHM. Or you can keep the nanny and go back to work so you can always rely on your own earnings if you have to (not just because of relationship breakdown but also if, for example, your partner got sick and couldn't work). The halfway house is "could work and chose not to." You'd both have no career to fall back on and an expectation on you to immediately seek work in a relationship breakdown.

Show quote history

To clarify, financially even if we split I could afford our nanny (can rely on my salary and savings and have money left).

OP posts:
truegum81 · 17/11/2024 17:26

SockFluffInTheBath · 17/11/2024 17:24

Whatever you do as a mother someone will tell you it’s wrong. There’s a year between mine and I imagine it’s utter bliss to have a trained professional to help. Good for you OP, enjoy those swims!

Really? I can’t recall anyone aside from the odd disagreements with my husband where anyone told me that i was wrong in how i was parenting! Or at least not to my face!

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:26

Full time

Scottishdreams1991 · 17/11/2024 17:26

I'm bloody jealous!! I've just take 3 kids swimming on my own( sahm) If we could afford it trust me I would have a nanny lol Zero judgement but massive jealousy 😅

truegum81 · 17/11/2024 17:25

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:24

@truegum81

or perhaps the nanny is doing overtime 😂

Did op confirm how many hours a week the nanny actually does?

SockFluffInTheBath · 17/11/2024 17:24

Whatever you do as a mother someone will tell you it’s wrong. There’s a year between mine and I imagine it’s utter bliss to have a trained professional to help. Good for you OP, enjoy those swims!

truegum81 · 17/11/2024 17:24

how often is your nanny actually there?

Ytcsghisn · 17/11/2024 17:24

Itoldyousoo · 17/11/2024 17:18

@Ytcsghisn

"I am not jealous btw but my pride would never have allowed me to do what you do. I’d never have wanted others to think I couldn’t manage on my own and tbh isn’t it a touch lazy? Is your dh perhaps thinking you could slide into a depression? Does he think you are not capable of going it alone? "

I would suggest you think too much about what OTHERS think about you as opposed to it being your own business. Do you always feel judged by your husband and others?

You are quoting the wrong person.

Quitelikeit · 17/11/2024 17:24

@truegum81

or perhaps the nanny is doing overtime 😂

truegum81 · 17/11/2024 17:23

30 posts in a couple of hours…. I take it your DH is around today!

StormingNorman · 17/11/2024 17:23

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 16:53

I guess they implied I was lazy and didn’t take care of my kids!

Show quote history

They only implied you were lazy because they’re jealous you get time to go to the gym and aren’t run ragged with two tinies.

They can feel better about themselves if they turn doing it all themselves into some kind of virtue. It’s all tosh.

ShinyShona · 17/11/2024 17:23

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 17:18

I admit I used the wrong phrase of wording. I’m on mat leave!

Show quote history

Fair enough. However, you should be aware of the risk you carry if this becomes a long term arrangement and the relationship ever broke down for any reason (and single earners aren't always honest about how they feel about supporting another adult not to work long term).

You could drop the nanny when mat leave ends and go full pelt into the role of SAHM. Or you can keep the nanny and go back to work so you can always rely on your own earnings if you have to (not just because of relationship breakdown but also if, for example, your partner got sick and couldn't work). The halfway house is "could work and chose not to." You'd both have no career to fall back on and an expectation on you to immediately seek work in a relationship breakdown.

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