SAHM + Nanny

any reason why her being American is relevant?

There was this big silence when she said it.

because someone joked “so you’re a kept woman”

goodness, sounds like a fun coffee morning

exactly
she didn’t know your situation
she didn’t know you
she was having coffee and absent minded chewing the fat

No she wasn't. She was a forthright American. It was a McMillan coffee morning and a friend had brought her along. Friend apologised to me afterwards. There was this big silence when she said it. Everyone was embarrassed. She didn't know my situation (the adoption or the special needs), just that I wasn't working.

Accidents happen!

yes i get that

my point is… she no doubt made the same error when talking to the people who supposedly judged her the other night

You do have to acknowledge the extreme wealth and fortune of being able to afford your arrangement. If you called yourself a SAHM then let slip you have a full time nanny, I expect you got people’s backs up because you were dishonest about your privilege.

This. Assuming this is the nanny you had before you went on mat leave, who was looking after the older one when you were working, you are ensuring that both your children will be looked after by someone you like and trust, and there will be that consistent bond.

A good friend of mine did this. She paid for the full time nanny to continue for a whole year while she was on mat leave, to ensure continuity of care. And then when her children started nursery and school, she continued paying the nanny full time (otherwise the nanny could not have stayed), so the nanny was there at pick up, and after school, and during kids sick days, inset days, holidays etc etc. And the nanny at one point was volunteering at the school as a sort of Teaching Assistant in the classroom, to keep herself busy during the day!
The kids are now 13 and 10 and the nanny is still there - and they have a lifelong bond, which is lovely. It's just a matter of you being able to afford it, which you clearly can.

Exactly this!

Being a SAHP means you’ve chosen to stay at home and focus on parenting (clues in the name), so of course people are going to raise an eyebrow when you’re hiring a FT nanny to do it.

There was a thread a while ago from a ‘SAHM’ whose kids were at college and uni.
There were many eyebrows raised because she wasn’t by definition a SAHP.

Same thing here.

But as you are on maternity leave then it’s irrelevant.
You just tell people that you’re currently on maternity leave and have a FT nanny because you can’t cope with 2 kids and you can afford it.

Lots of celebs have FT nanny’s.

You are wanted and needed by many of us, ignore the earth mothers.

OP clarified this ages ago. It also says she’s on maternity leave in the OP.

what a waste of yours (and our!) time Op

You are NOT a SAHM

You are on maternity out leave and need to keep your nanny’s hours in order to keep her for when you need her in 6 months time

I suspect you made the same “error” when talking to these people

dear lord… she was messing around 🙄

Op works. She is on maternity leave at the moment and will be going back in a few months. She can pay for the nanny out of her own income.

I think this is a difference in social class. Working-class women use childminders or nurseries, as a rule, and don't stay at home. The people I grew up with became doctors' lawyers who worked in finance and tech. Their kids were planned and to a man have nannies. People I met at uni who were middle class seemed much more concerned on how people perceived them, no nannies, lots of sahm initially; COVID decimated the sahm population of my community. But the women who worked did better in divorce and after. Wealthy people, like the working class, use nanny's housekeeping as the norm. I refuse to raise daughters who think there only value is child rearing, thats jist me.

YANBU but you are extremely privileged. Having a nanny is an absolute luxury that very few people can afford. Enjoy!

@Namechang3ds my comment wasn't to you.

Very true

Op if this works for your family and makes you more able to cope with your kids then that’s totally your business . This works for you ! You need the help with your kids and can pay for it 🤷‍♀️ no one else’s business!
I had 3 dcs close together and although it was and very much is hard work, I absolutely loved and thrived in the early years . I was young though , I
was in my late 20’s and had just finished my masters and it was the right time.
Me and my dh lived away from family but actually living near them makes zero difference, they are all the most completely hands-off family you could meet-absolutely no support. We relied on ourselves.
I was extremely attached to my babies and breastfed them so I couldn’t leave them with anyone. I absolutely don’t care or judge what others do, each to their own.
I would never have relaxed with my baby out and about with another person . My husband was excellent with our babies and still is now with our older kids so once they were weaned /toddlers I got back into running . I have studied attachment theory extensively and it was also natural to me so instinctively I couldn’t let my babies off with another person and tbh as it turned out my husband and I would have felt so uncomfortable with another person with our under 3 children , they can’t talk so it makes them vulnerable.
However, I think though having a nanny can work so well as the kids are in their house and its great to have someone you can trust particularly like us if you have no family support, I think a nanny is ideal!. A lot of people who say they wouldn’t do it have family help and have no idea what it’s like do have zero family support. Don’t mind those other parents op ! If anything you are doing exactly the right thing and having the right balance . The only thing that would make people feel weird is if you bring the nanny to a party I’d imagine …

Your pride is weird. Parenting does not get better with quantatiy its the quality. Why would you be proud of not getting help. You sound bitter like your world is so small you cant understand the employment of childcare.

I wonder if these judgy people would have batted an eyelid if you’d said your mum popped in every day to help & you happened to support her financially too?

I mean shock horror that you employ fully qualified, enhanced dbs checked “help”. & your children have a relaxed happy mum around. The world would be a better place if all children could be raised like this.

You basically are a single parent a lot of the time, you are taking sensible steps to ensure your physical & mental wellbeing are taken care of.
I’m very jealous I couldn’t finance this set up. It sounds ideal.

I used to be a nanny, without parents wanting help, whatever the reason, I'd not have had a job.

Yes, this. I wish I had had help when my children were that age. I did enjoy rhyme time activities, but really could have done with some time for self-care. It's all about balance. Anyway, why on earth would you get rid of an amazing nanny when you'll need her in a few months anyway?

Your amazing a good nanny is like GOLD Dust. DH rejected a ton on interview settleted on an older lady, who is very active but strict. When she gets a cold my heart stills. People who look down on people who work in the service or child care sector shock me. So you specfically dont think nannys should be allowed jobs because reasons. Ignore them haters.