SAHM + Nanny

Good for you I say. If you can afford it why not and it’s good for your children also because they won’t see you stressed, you’ll have more time to spend with them individually.

If I could afford a nanny, I would get one! Mine are 18 months apart, I'm on maternity leave, but find life so stressful at the moment. You are able to look after your mental and physical health, and this is turn helps your children.

Just don't tell people your arrangement, and you will be happier

When I had my children I soon realised that you will be judged no matter what you do.
My Dad always says ‘those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter’
If your family is safe and happy then who gives a crap about what anyone else says.

No that was the point of the nanny - she did flexible care so worked 2 days a week around my friend's shifts. Her husband also makes decent money but the flexible schedule was the key. The nanny either brought her own child or her mother watched him so the whole setup was ideal for my friend.

(Also she unfortunately lost one of her children as an infant so has 3 children now)

let me guess

you home educate? 😆

Eloquently put

Why would anyone think like? The OP doesn’t look like she can’t cope or selfish. It’s no different from using a childminder or nursery. Everyone I know used a nanny or nursery.

Y have kids if u r doing yr one thing and someone else is looking after them different if u were working, people will think u can’t cope or don’t like yr children and r selfish.

yes fair point

Why? For some of us baby groups and classes are hell on earth. Not everyone has a sudden switch of interests as soon as they give birth

I agree with this.
with regards to the vile lady thinking she is mother of the year.
she IS managing it on her own though, she is paying for this herself. Structuring the days as she sees fit. Ensuring she isn’t exhausted and overwhelmed so she can parent to the best of her ability. Why would you deem her more of a mother if she was exhausted?
and who the fuck are you to judge the op. It’s literally nothing to do with you.

@PurpleThistle7 a nurse with 4 children and a full time nanny?!

A nurse? I’m guessing very high earning partner!

I have a friend who had a nanny all through when her 4 kids were small. She's a nurse so works shifts and standard childcare wouldn't help her. She had the same nanny from when her first was a year to when her last went to nursery - through 3 maternity leaves. I was nothing but vaguely envious of the setup.

My husband and I are immigrants so have 0 help. When my kids were small he travelled a lot for work and it was a mess. I was so tired and so overwhelmed I ended up with both mental and physical challenges that are issues to this day (and my youngest is 8!). I am 100% sure that it benefits the family forever if you can find a better balance than we did and I should absolutely have figured out how to get more help in those days.

And even at our income we kept my daughter nursery 3x a week while I was on my second maternity leave - she was happy and settled and we'd never have gotten her place back if we'd given it up anyway.

Plenty of people get help from family, plenty have partners who are around more than yours, plenty are single parents with multiple children and not enough money, plenty of parents are solo parents while their partner deploys or works abroad for years... there's really no reason to compare your life to anyone else's as there's no 'winning'. These women sound toxic and delete their WhatsApp immediately.

I don't think people are necessarily jealous, it's about understanding how different people feel about parenting.

We had little help, when I wasn't at work part time I was always with my children, barely had anytime away from them. As hard as it was I loved it. My neighbour had a much bigger age gap but had her family almost on rotation of taking her children out/overnight. I don't think she's ever loved being a Mum like I do so it was always harder for her.

People have different levels of what they can cope with. Mine are 18 months apart and I wouldn't have traded in the baby groups for anything.

* I would judge tbh and not because of jealously! Just not what I would personally *

@Bleachbum so you judge the OP because she does something that you wouldn’t do.

but also I try not to judge, as you say, it’s personal choice.

You don’t try very hard!

Haven’t judged my MIL, have raised my eyebrows at the hypocrisy of her judging me for paying for help when she also had help from her mother. We don’t all live next to family.

I try not to judge, as you say, it’s personal choice. And I certainly wouldn’t express any judgement out loud!

That's good for you. It's not the perfect set up in my opinion.
Just not what I'd choose.
We all judge, it's human nature...the same way you've judged your MIL for having her different opinion. It's not a competition, it's what suits best in different circumstances...and one size doesn't fit all!

The woman who said that to you wants a medal but personally I feel she should just go fuck herself.

In my opinion, if you come across a postpartum mum the only thing you should say to her is something along the lines of "well done for even bloody showering and getting out of the house". Why can't women just support other women?

Me too! :-)

I'd have had a nanny for only one baby if I could have afforded it- I had live in grandparents which were just as good ! Obviously they're just jealous - ish you're choice and say 'yeah I'm really lucky i appreciate the help it works well for us'

But why would you judge? It’s the perfect set-up if you can afford it and don’t have family help close by. I had a 20 month old and a newborn. The baby needed naps just when my toddler was starting to drop naps. Their waking and sleeping schedules were never in line with each other. Having a full time nanny meant that my 20 month old could go to the park whilst I was feeding and settling my baby. Or I could have a fun bath time with my toddler whilst my nanny soothed my baby to sleep. Or my nanny could watch the kids whilst I made lunch/dinner or vice versa. Or after a night of being awake with a teething baby all night, I could rest whilst my nanny watched them so they had a happy, refreshed mummy by mid morning.

What is there to judge about having someone on hand to help provide the best care for your children? One person doing it alone all day every day isn’t best for anyone and it wasn’t the norm. As I had to regularly remind my MIL, she had her own mum 2 doors down and on hand 24/7 whilst she was “raising her own children, not paying someone else to do it” 🙄.

We spend £2k on nursery fees and I’m on mat
leave. I’m also going to get an ad hoc nanny for 1 day/ afternoon for my younger child (when he’s 3/4 months and not breastfed)
so I can go swimming etc. if my parents lived close I’m sure they’d help… but they don’t. No one would bat an eyelid if it was your mum… but a nanny sounds fancy, even when it’s not.

We can afford our childcare, my husband and children are happy, we have a great balance.do what you want! Life is for living, you’re not a martyr.

She was a blunt New Yorker. In my experience British women aren't so blunt.

Also I think it is really lovely for your kids that the nanny's bond with the older child continues and the bond with the baby will be growing during your maternity leave. The transition when your return to work will be so much easier on them.

Also, you are getting to know her very well so you'll have the upmost of confidence in her hopefully. Which makes it so much easier.

I actually look back and wish I'd paid for some help because I would have been a better mother.