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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

SAHM + Nanny

334 replies

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 14:57

I’d be very grateful for some non judgemental views. I’ll start by saying that where we live in central London - Nannie’s are very popular!

I have two children who have a one year age gap exactly. So I am still in maternity leave with my second. Given the close age gap, we have a lovely nanny who is very much part of our family. She is really lovely and I look forward to seeing her everyday.

She helps me a lot - particularly taking my toddler to tonnes of stay and plays and baby classes and also taking care of them both so I can go to the gym etc.

I am really happy with my arrangement and we financially can afford it. But I went to a friends birthday over the weekend, and people looked at me with shock/confusion that I do not currently work (but I will go back in 6m) and also have a nanny. I didn’t disclose this info to them quickly but when it slipped into conversation it made me feel almost guilty…that I should be doing this with them both myself rather than having someone to help

Sorry for rambling it just got me down. But the way I see it is that she is lovely, it makes my life easier and I am happy! And I can afford it. It just made me feel bad.

OP posts:
kiraric · 17/11/2024 15:13

I agree that a lot of people keep their older child in nursery while on mat leave and this is not really any different.

But I was a bit taken aback when one of my NCT group got a nanny while on mat leave - I guess partly because of the cost side of things and partly because I personally would find it super awkward to be with the nanny all day, but I am an introvert!

I do slightly judge the SAHM I know who has one child in 8-6 nursery 5 days a week, a weekend nanny and evening babysitters 3-4 evenings a week.. that does edge into being a bit weird to me

IVFmumoftwo · 17/11/2024 15:11

I will say YABU because you aren't a SAHM though.

Apollo365 · 17/11/2024 15:11

Another voice saying - you are not a SAHM. You are on Mat leave.
I didn’t take my older kids out of nursery when on Mat leave with youngest, this is the same principle. You would loose your space. Your ‘friends’ are being ridiculous. Also fuck them. As PP said, no medals awarded here.

IVFmumoftwo · 17/11/2024 15:10

Luçky you.

Hollietree · 17/11/2024 15:09

I worked as a Nanny for 20 years (lots in central London) and the families always kept me on whilst the Mum was on Maternity leave. If you have a great Nanny that you would like to keep long-term then you would be mad to let her go while you are on maternity leave (and can afford it). I also worked full-time for a family for five years where the Mum didn’t work. None of my business to judge anyone.

Ignore any friend who criticises you for it. Completely your decision. Probably just jealous that they couldn’t afford to do it. I’ll be 100% honest I would have loved the help when my own kids were young but couldn’t afford it. Ignore what anyone else thinks and you do whatever is right for your family.

JaneandtheLaundry · 17/11/2024 15:08

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 15:05

Thank you all. It got me really down as they made it seem I wasn’t parenting my kids and outsourcing it all. When she helps me and ultimately my DDs are SO happy! Well as happy as a teething toddler and newborn can be..!!

If it makes you feel better, I kept DS in full time nursery when I went on mat with DD, even though I ultimately quit my job and didn't go back to any paid work for another 6 months (when DD was 18m).

Createausername1970 · 17/11/2024 15:07

JC89 · 17/11/2024 15:02

It's not unusual for older siblings to carry on going to nursery even when Mum is on maternity leave with the baby, keeping the Nanny is a similar situation surely?

This is what I was thinking.

You do it your way OP. I am sure lots of people will say "I had 3 and didn't have a nanny" but was that a choice they actively made or just couldn't afford one?

If you can afford it and it makes your life easier then it's good. And if you are keeping her after you go back to work then it makes perfect sense for the kids to have a long handover to get used to her while you are still very present.

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 15:06

Daschund · 17/11/2024 15:05

You monster, fancy going swimming...😂

I know right! Sometimes even the steam room after!!

OP posts:
Isitfridayyetsophie · 17/11/2024 15:05

JC89 · 17/11/2024 15:02

It's not unusual for older siblings to carry on going to nursery even when Mum is on maternity leave with the baby, keeping the Nanny is a similar situation surely?

Yes agree with this.

fwiw I know 2 sahms who have 2 children with nannies, neither are on maternity leave but one nanny is part time. Good for them imo!

MumHouseDilemma · 17/11/2024 15:05

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 15:03

Fortunately these are more friends of friends! 😂! Most I have never met!

Their main shock was that I go out and have time for myself some days eg swimming.

Well they can fuck off. I bet they wouldn’t say that if you were a man, taking time to yourself whilst your wife was at home.

you’re taking time to look after your physical and mental health, not off snorting cocaine in a Wetherspoon’s loo.

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 15:05

BumpyaDaisyevna · 17/11/2024 15:04

You're setting your kids a good example - one (especially women) can't "do it all" and you need help.

Thank you for this, it made me smile.

OP posts:
Daschund · 17/11/2024 15:05

You monster, fancy going swimming...😂

Frowningprovidence · 17/11/2024 15:05

Don't rise to thier comments.

I personally think it sounds like the best option for child development. A non exhausted mother, a qualified professional and consistent chikdcare from the outset. Sounds very child centred.

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 15:05

Thank you all. It got me really down as they made it seem I wasn’t parenting my kids and outsourcing it all. When she helps me and ultimately my DDs are SO happy! Well as happy as a teething toddler and newborn can be..!!

OP posts:
BumpyaDaisyevna · 17/11/2024 15:04

You're setting your kids a good example - one (especially women) can't "do it all" and you need help.

TickingAlongNicely · 17/11/2024 15:04

People don't judge having gardeners, cleaners, using food services etc...

But judge childcare.

You can afford it, your on Maternity leave with a young baby... it seems logical.

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 15:03

Roxie99 · 17/11/2024 15:02

You probably need new friends!

Fortunately these are more friends of friends! 😂! Most I have never met!

Their main shock was that I go out and have time for myself some days eg swimming.

OP posts:
yipyipyop · 17/11/2024 15:03

It's jealousy

Overthebow · 17/11/2024 15:03

They shouldn’t be so judgmental. It’s actually good for both DC to get some one on one attention which you wouldn’t be able to give if you had them both at home by yourself all week. I kept my dds nursery place whilst I was on maternity leave with my second DC, it wouldn’t have been worse for all of us if I hadn’t kept sending her. This was very common in my baby group circles, everyone kept their childcare for their older DCs whilst on mat leave.

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 17/11/2024 15:03

I was a nanny for years and I think your situation is very normal, particularly if you are planning to return to work.
Your ‘friends’ sound jealous or clueless or both.

JaneandtheLaundry · 17/11/2024 15:03

Namechang3ds · 17/11/2024 15:01

To confirm when I go back to work she will be staying to look after both whilst I’m in the office. I’d never just abandon her!

Yes that's what I'm saying! You'd be mad to get rid of a nanny for mat leave when you will definitely need her again afterwards. Just enjoy the help and screw other people.

Daschund · 17/11/2024 15:03

Nobody's business but yours, I'd have especially loved a night nanny with mine as newborns.

Hoppinggreen · 17/11/2024 15:03

Nobody elses business

MumHouseDilemma · 17/11/2024 15:03

Re other comments about sustaining childcare - what you are doing is very sensible and ensures the same, consistent childcare when you go back to work. It’s a win win for everyone in your family. YADNBU.

Roxie99 · 17/11/2024 15:02

You probably need new friends!

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