How to stop caring so much about what other people think of me

I had a few people take advantage of me and / or get funny when I didn't do as they wanted, so over time I became more concerned about the intentions of people rather than what they thought of me. I took more care in letting people get near that could be hurtful.

Then menopause came along and that gave a new phase of less caring about what people thought as well. Around this time I let go of keeping some family members happy at my own expense as well.

My circle has got smaller, mainly my own close family (DH and DCs) and a couple of close friends, but things are much better, and simpler!

If you think people only like you due to you being a people pleaser towards them and then take umpage when you stop doing so they never really thought that much of you to start with.

Life's so much better when you leave those type behind.

In time it'll come to you that you give no shits.

I’m 38 and in the past two years I’ve started to care a lot less what people think of me. I did therapy and worked on my self esteem, lost weight and got healthy so I can see my DC grow up. Losing weight caused some jealousy from some friends which was a lightbulb moment- I was investing my effort into people who did not want the best for me in life.

I took a long hard look at some friends’ behaviour and knew it wasn’t the same values I held- I think it was a catty comment about another school mum not being her type of person because she drives an old dirty car. Again lightbulb moment that I don’t want to be friends with people who have that attitude.

I practice saying no or that doesn’t work for me, and if I offer a favour I do it willingly with no expectation of being repaid. I also remind myself it’s not my responsibility to get someone else’s kid to a party/drive 30 mins out if my way to pick up an acquaintance/organise DH’s entire family get togethers. I’m responsible for myself and my DC- and if I have capacity and want to give Jane and Peter a lift to the soft play party I do it on my terms and don’t seethe silently if an offer is not reciprocated. In short, I have boundaries and have learnt to stop speaking or not respond immediately.

There are people who will really dislike you if they see you being inauthentic and people pleasing.

don’t spread yourself too thin.

Take time to think about what you think of other people. Once you’ve realised you don’t approve of several of Penelope’s behaviours, what she thinks of you becomes less important.

And time taken evaluating someone else can’t be used worrying about what they think of you.

No idea how or why, but over the last few years I care so much less about stuff I can't control.

I am early 60s and I know I maybe have 20 more Christmas days, or birthdays ahead of me. It's not many more against the 60+ I have already had.

Not wanting to be a doom-monger, but suddenly having a sense of your own mortality does bring things into focus and suddenly things that seemed important are definitely not.

I used to be a terrible people pleaser.
I was desperate for people to like me and was a complete doormat.

What helped me was thinking things through and telling myself that I am as important as anyone else and I don't have to put my needs to one side at al times. It's OK to put myself first sometimes.

Prepare yourself. So when someone asks you to do something, your instinct is to blurt out yes.

Instead, train yourself to say I'm not sure if im going to be able to do that, I'll get back to you.

Give yourself some time to think.

Ask yourself "and then what happens"

So and so will be mad at me

Ok. And then what happens?

They'll not talk to me / shout at me / put a passive aggressive post on FB.

Ok. And then what happens?

Unless you're dealing with people that will cave your head in if you don't do what they want then what is actually going to happen if you don't prioritise them? And why can't you deal with that? These are things you need to ask yourself.

Also, people pleasers often have people in their lives that they'll happily chuck under a bus in order to please unreasonable people.

It's normally their partner or their children.

Which leads me to the next question. If someone can pick and choose who to please and who to upset then they are a selective people pleaser and absolutely can deal with conflict because they deal with it every time they let their partner down or every time they don't stand up for their kids.

Think about what it is you're afraid of any why you're afraid of it. What it is you think is going to be done to you and why that is something you believe you can't deal with.

Honestly losing oestrogen has made me care so much less about lots of things including what people think of me. Interestingly I’m on a full range of HRT and it hasn’t affected this aspect of the menopause.