So hard having a baby

I felt exactly like this. My little girl is now fifteen months and is the funniest little whirlwind. It's still hard but she gives so much back now and I only love her more and more each day.
It will get better. Keep getting out to baby groups and chatting to other mums. I guarantee there will be others out there who are feeling overwhelmed.

I used to put baby one in the car, with pram and we went everywhere. Literally all sorts of places. I was never in the house during the day. He was an incredibly finicky baby and it was just so much more interesting outside the house. The thought of a baby I literally had to carry around and housework was unbearable. Before I embarked on this strategy I used to feel despondent, bored, very very bored. Museums, art galleries, shopping centres, antique centres, we would have a wander about, lunch in the cafe. They are so transportable when tiny.

My first wouldn't take a bottle for love nor money! She also wouldn't nap unless she was in my arms, therefore I couldn't catch up on sleep during the day 😔

You won't. It won't be like this for years.

It's important that we understand we may never 'understand' why our baby was so tricky. This 'phase' morphs into the next. We didn't 'solve' the last one, it just moved on. Now we're dealing with this one!

You will climb out of the trenches of the tricky newborn. You will smile wisely when your smug friends who were helpfully suggesting you just need to chill/sleep when baby does/ don't let them alter your life- etc- get a second- born .... who then screams the house down 🤭

In reality they are probably coping the same as you. Or the change felt less. Or their baby sleeps better. The list goes on. I thought I was prepared but found it SO hard and also questioned why. I went into DH at 6m crying and saying I should go back to work because I had no idea what I was doing and baby would be better off in nursery. It really does get easier. 12 weeks is where sleep actually went worse for us, up until 7m sleep was a shitshow. But nothing lasts. I would absolutely second finding ways to make your days yours still, eg watching your things on TV whilst they don't care, walks with coffee and podcasts or music while they nap. Bath to yourself whilst partner takes baby, or a few mins lie in. I did start seeing friends in evening, despite exclusively BF, just for an hour or two. I didn't make any friends from classes but did enjoy going and meeting people there.

I've cut straight from your OP to reply: I loathed pretty much everything about my DS1's first year. We were on our knees. He screamed the house down. Til I did controlled crying (at 7-8 months), I don't think I got more than 1 hour's continual sleep from his birth til then.

It was horrible. I never hated him, but I wondered wtf was all this parental joy? Why my life was nothing more than stopping this screaming jag or preventing the next! I shudder now. It was horrible.

However, 6-8 months in, we had found some equilibrium. We had a challenging baby. We coped.

Cue DS2, exactly 2 years younger. We were a comedy duo. He'd wake up for a feed, DH would bring him to me, he'd feed for 20 minutes then FALL ASLEEP! What is this alchemy? Where was the 2 hours of screaming the house down? As we paced the darkened house? Followed by 20 minutes sleep, then scream, feed for an hour, on repeat? ASLEEP? What? Then for four HOURS??

We discovered on DC2 what most people's experience was like. Ours, like yours, is an outlier. That doesn't make it easier to cope with, but it might make you feel a shred of comfort that you've been dealt a 'difficult' hand. You're not failing, you just have more to cope with.

They're now 25 and 23 and neither scream the house down...

My baby is 2.5 weeks and I am fully in the newborn trenches. It’s so, so much harder than you could ever imagine it to be, especially when you’re only getting about 4 or 5 hours of sleep at most, and running on fumes. I’ve never been so tired in my life. I fully dread the nights. She sleeps so well during the day, but at night it’s a whole other story. I hate it when people tell me how “easy” their baby was.

I would sell my left tit, for a full night’s sleep, in total and utter silence. I mean, who knew newborn babies made so much noise in their sleep? The grunting, squealing, squeaking, and snorting keeps me awake, so “sleep when the baby sleeps” isn’t always possible! 😫 Every day feels like Groundhog Day, and it’s just torture. I hope it gets better soon, cos I can’t live like this for the next few years.

I hated it too for all the same reasons as you OP. I couldn't believe how hard it was. I had no family help though and my husband worked away a lot. Perhaps I would have coped better if I'd had support.

Anyway I decided not to have another as couldn't face going through it all again.

Mine is 9 now and great, truly an amazing person who I can have good conversations with and he has a great sense of humour too.

Honestly I look back and I'm astonished at how quickly the time has gone by.

What I can say is you WILL get through this. It's all so new at the moment and your life probably feels like it's been decimated. It took me a long time to feel like I was enjoying any of it tbh. Probably when he started talking and sleeping. Getting sleep will itself make a huge difference to your state of mind.

For many people, Inc me. Its a really shitty time.

It does get better I absolutely Promise you. Don't have too many expectations. It's not all good, the house can be a mess, you don't have to go out all day x

How is that helpful?!

But why would you think it was any different?

You’re right it’s bloody hard and if you have no sleep and are constantly feeding with little support it can be too hard. I can safely say whilst my 4 and 8 year old can be extremely difficult some days and in many ways harder than the baby stage I can hand on heart never do the baby stage again. I just found it relentless and the feeding and no sleep too much. The number one thing I would 100% do if I could go back would be to get my partner to do some sort of night feeding with a bottle. I bf both and was useless at expressing and loooing back I wish I just used formula for the first or second night feed. It was so exhausting and I didn’t do myself any favours. They both refused the bottle but I should have persevered because it would have really helped! Even mentally it would have helped. My first did eventually have a bottle at 6 months old but my second never did but I didn’t really try at all with her. Just basically I wish I spoke up a bit more to my partner what I needed help with, he tried but I’d be a bit of a martyr 🤪

feeling lots of empathy and sending well wishes it will pass for sure , but it doesn’t take away from how hard it is right now ❤️

If you feel like a human cow try combi feeding and get prescription formula. You will sleep through again. Why can't DH have baby on an evening so you can go out? Keep going to groups or look on FB mum groups until you find someone you click with, took me a long time. Get some earplugs for your naps. I didn't like the baby stage either but it gets way better when they start walking, even better when they talk.

It's hard to love this stage, you're just surviving really. Wait until she turns into a proper little person who can run around and make you laugh. It's awesome, I promise.

In the meantime, it's great that you have a supportive DH, just make sure you utilise him for catching up on sleep as much as possible. You're in the trenches, I'm sure you're doing a brilliant job.

Are you unable to afford the formula the baby wouldn’t be allergic to, or is it just a lot of money? Depending on the state of your mental health, it might be worth spending the money if you can afford it.

I ended up being briefly hospitalized in a psych ward because I wouldn’t quit breastfeeding, and I needed to quit breastfeeding so I could go back on my regular medications for depression, anxiety, and ADHD. When I finally switched to formula, I was stunned by how much better my life became. My daughter (around seven months at the time) took ten minutes to eat instead of forty, and going places without her felt like I’d been released from prison. Going back on my regular meds was like the part in “The Wizard of Oz” where the movie changes from sepia to full color. As long as the baby is fed and healthy, it’s more important for a baby to have a well mother than to be breastfed by a mother who feels miserable, depressed, and isolated.

When my older daughter was the age of your baby, I started reading books to her because she couldn’t do much interactively. I picked books that I enjoyed reading out loud and did voices for all the characters. It wouldn’t necessarily be fun for everyone, but it was fun for me. It helps to find an activity that you can do with your baby there that you actually enjoy.

It's hard the way you cannot even imagine until you have your own baby. I was so sleep starved plus had EMCS so I was really struggling for months. And I had to do it mostly by myself as DH worked nights and slept days. My DD is now 2.5y and I cannot imagine wanting another one even if I was younger to be able to have more kids.

My baby is 5 months old and I absolutely love it.

I can tell you I love it because I get enough sleep and I have a passions which brings me half an hour of happiness/freedom a day so I still have part of my old life/self. If those two things falter, I am suddenly not loving it and feel how you describe.

Is there anything you can do to get those two things in your life?

I sleep in until 10.30 am to catch up on sleep I didn't get in the night to make sure I'm getting my full quota every night, is this something you could do? I am dreading going back to work because I won't be able to do this anymore but at least during maternity leave I'm sorted. Maternity leave is the perfect time to spend half the day in bed!

I have a horse whom I adore and although I don't get much time to ride anymore, the half hour a day I spend at the field resets my mood and gives me the patience to get through the next 24 hours until I'm back again. Even though I have baby in the sling so she's still with me and I'm still responsible for her, the fresh air, big open space and peace and quiet gives me the feeling of freedom and the horse snuggles make me happy and in that moment, I'm still the old me just with a baby strapped to me.

If I don't get my feel sleep because we have to get up and out early, or I don't get to spend time at the field for a few days, I feel very cranky and trapped and like my needs don't matter and then I most certainly am not loving it. Half hour in the field sorts me right out and I'm back to loving it so I am adamant that these two things are what keep me sane.

Can you get out and enjoy the great outdoors and a bit of wilderness for a bit of escapism? Or get your partner to give you half an hour a day to go for a walk on your own or do something you used to love but don't get time for now?

Ok another note 4 months was the turning point for me when it got noticeably easier so not too much longer hopefully x

It's extremely hard and nothing can prepare you for it, even working with and minding other people's dc, you have no idea until you have your own child. It does get easier though op, I don't know about the magical 3 month mark as all dc are different although it does seem to happen in stages, you just don't realise it until you look back. I now look back on the earliest years with my dc and wonder how on earth I did it, everything you describe is what I felt. I did get through it however and before I even realised it they're all grown or growing up. It will pass and there will be some happy moments along the way op, but it is certainly not the fairytale people are sold prior to becoming parents. You'll get through these early days as well and your dc will think you're the best thing that ever was.

You’re definitely not alone.

I found having a baby very very hard and I honestly did not enjoy maternity leave much. I couldn’t even say I loved my baby until he was 4 months old.

In many ways I still do find parenting hard even now (he’s nearly 3) but it really is much easier now than it was and I can feel it getting easier still and increasingly I enjoy more of it.

We can have conversations now, he tells funny jokes, we have lovely bedtime cuddles and he tells me what he liked about his day, he’s got a great imagination (we’ve got a lot of bears in our house) and he loves life.

And mostly we get decent sleep these days!

I just think becoming a mum is a huge adjustment and we’re all different in how long it takes us to adjust xx

I’d say 12 weeks is when it starts getting incrementally easier but you don’t suddenly wake up and it’s easy. I’m not sure that ever happens! They actually start becoming a baby now rather than just a potato that cries, shits and vomits all the time. They start to pick things up and do the basics of play, start to show preferences for things and start to develop their own little personality. 4 months was easier for me because routines started to become a bit clearer and at 6 months, baby was out of our room and weaning gave a bit of structure to the day.

I would say generally it’s just small steps and the occasional big leap. It got a lot easier for me when I went back to work. I had a lot more love for DC when I actually had the chance to miss them. Then back to incrementally until about 18 months. DC is a toddler and whilst they are challenging, I am enjoying this stage so much more than the newborn.

The library was a god send for me. I didn’t really like baby classes. The library had baby classes that I could go to if I wanted but I could also just go when it was quiet. I would pick up a ‘blind date with a book’, most times I didn’t read it but I liked unwrapping the book when I got home and seeing what I got. If I didn’t read it, no worries I’d not bought it. Having to take books back would often be enough to force me out of the house but if I absolutely couldn’t get out (or too disorganised to find the books) I could renew online. I swear the librarian also had a sixth sense for when I needed someone to make adult conversation with me and when I needed someone to just let me by myself.

I'm going to be honest here they are absolutely lying to you! And quite possibly themselves a lot!

There are some great funny accounts on Instagram of mums in real life worth a look up.

A lot of women feel they should love it and therefore say they do. It's a bit of faux par to say actually this is bloody tough why didn't anyone warn me! So women lie with a smile on their face scratch the surface and you will find they feel exactly the same at different points.

You are not a failure, your baby is very much wanted and loved it's just fucking tough and relentless at times.
P.S yes I was that mum in a baby class who was brutally honest about it being shit despite loving DS1 with my whole being.

The bar shouldn't be at floor level for a husband to not do any actual parenting!

I completely get it I was begging my boss to come back at 8 weeks she refused and I'm glad she did as after the 4 month mark I did actually start enjoying time with DS1.

You are still in the absolutely relentless stage I p1romise it does get easier but you need to fqocus on getting through the now.

Go to bed early after evening feeds leave DH in charge downstairs til 10/11 and you get a good nap in. Reframing night time helped me a lot. I didn't see it as not getting sleep just how many naps I could have. I have no idea how this helped but it did as actually an hour and a half nap was good, 3 hours was epic nap.

Get out in the day for walks even if you don't want to I don't know why fresh air helps either but it does! See if there are any local mums who don't mind a chat or WhatsApp group or use peanut or similar.

My cousins best friend told him, on the day his first child was born “last night was the last night of sleeping with no worries”

3 adult kids in cousin agrees, at the time he thought well that’s very pessimistic.

I was talking about this with my aunt just yesterday. Your first baby is such a shock to the system. There's nothing wrong with you OP, it's a huge adjustment. I spent the first 6 months of my DDs life thinking what the fuck have I done. After the first year it started to get enjoyable. Hang in there.

Sorry just read your update on baby not having bottle so please ignore my post.