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AIBU?

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Ignorant sister.

87 replies

bubblesxx · 17/11/2024 09:56

To sum it up I bend myself backwards to support my sister. She's currently living in temporary accommodation with my nephew and niece after loosing her rental, a nice temporary accommodation she's got her own little lodge, I've emotionally and physically supported her every step of the way, I feed her children, give her money, wash and dry her clothes, anything she needs I'm there, but she's also quite selfish, if you can't do something her attitude changes. Regardless we see and speak daily as our children go to the same school, but on Friday after school pick up for the entire weekend she falls of the end of the earth, I call and she ignores, I message no response, not a message to say she's a little busy nothing at all until the next Monday at school drop off, and I'm beginning to get a little frustrated with it and feel like she only initiates conversation with me when she needs something. She's well aware my life is quite isolating I have 2 neurodivergent children, no car I mostly just spent my time inside and I enjoy small conversations with people throughout the day to feel less alone, am I being unreasonable? I just constantly feel used and then dropped when I'm no longer needed.

OP posts:
yoghurt05 · 17/11/2024 10:30

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Anotherworrier · 17/11/2024 10:30

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Exactly. Would actually force yourself on someone in this situation? I guess people just do things differently.

yoghurt05 · 17/11/2024 10:28

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Anotherworrier · 17/11/2024 10:27

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OPs sister does this quite often, it’s not a one off. She clearly just wants space from her sister at the weekend.

Not replying… I’ll just turn up 😂 lol just, no.

HelenWheels · 17/11/2024 10:26

but she is in a bad way, perhaps depressed op

bubblesxx · 17/11/2024 10:24

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I actually love her to bits, we have ALWAYS been extremely close, we we was young I was the one who made stupid choice and she was my sensible older sister as we got older we kinda switched and I took on the role of supporting her because she's lost a lot due to her actions, we are only 11 months apart, we have been like twins our whole lives, for most families daily contact is suffocating I understand that but that's our normal, for 8 years since we've had our own homes we have always multiple times a day had quick catch ups over the phone and then it stopped a few months ago, she just started ignoring me and it hurts because I feel used and unwanted, I don't have friends I'm quite socially awkward we have always been eachother a best friends

OP posts:
Agix · 17/11/2024 10:24

If you are only doing her favours in the hopes to get company/attention in return, stop. She's not going to do that, so you need to stop agreeing to help her and then resenting her.

She might just want to be alone with her kid(s) at the weekend, having a restful time, especially if she's working during the week. Or doing something else she finds relaxing or interesting, and not stuck to her phone.

Maybe invite her over especially if you want to see her? When you talk to her during the week, invite her over for Saturday lunch.

If you continue helping her, accept that she's not going to be the person you want her to be. That's not necessarily a bad thing. She doesn't have to be sociable in the ways you prefer. It doesn't make her a bad person - and as I said, stop helping her if this is a transactional thing for you and you're not getting what you want in return.

yoghurt05 · 17/11/2024 10:22

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yoghurt05 · 17/11/2024 10:22

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TangerinePlate · 17/11/2024 10:22

Give her a taste of her own medicine and block her number on Monday till Friday afternoon. Run at the drop off/pick up time when you see her „sorry,need to dash,speak later”

Seriously OP? All healthy relationships should go both ways. Your one with your sister is not. She’s only in touch when she wants something from you.

Drop the rope,let her come to you.

Createausername1970 · 17/11/2024 10:21

bubblesxx · 17/11/2024 10:13

Because she's constantly asking for stuff from me, or for me to do things for her and when I don't she gets pissed off, she's ignorant that's what it is, she's not ND I see her use my parents in the exact same way.

How does she ask you? If it's face to face at the school gate that's awkward and hard to get out of if you are not used to saying NO.

But if it's via a message, then baby steps, don't respond.

If she asks for a lot of the same, then look ahead, pre-empt what she is likely to say and rehearse your refusal. Say it out loud to yourself, hear what is sounds like, how the words feel in your mouth as you say them.

It's hard, but you don't have to do everything she asks. Give yourself permission to say, "no".

OrigamiOwls · 17/11/2024 10:21

Stop being so available to her. She also doesn't have to speak to you every day. You need to be less enmeshed.

Anotherworrier · 17/11/2024 10:20

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I have to say I disagree. She’s an adult, not a teenager. It’s invasive.

ChaosHol1 · 17/11/2024 10:20

Op, I used to have a very similar set up with my sister where I ended up being like her parent. Anything she needed to do she'd ask me to do it, stuff like can you book this for me, order this for me, pick this up for me, give me a loan of money, watch the kids so I can go out, pick the kids up for me im ill.

Then one day I was at home ill and the first thing I EVER asked her to do was drop something in from the shop for me on her way past going home. After three hours (she was going home in about one) I messaged and she said sorry totally forgot. We live 5 min drive from each other and she could of still done it but didn't offer. Since then I just said Im too busy, will need to do it yourself, don't have any spare cash etc. Eventually she has started standing on her own two feet and stopped asking and I can't tell you how less stressed I am and funnily enough I hear from her much less now she's not using me! Please stop allowing her just to use you when she wants to.

yoghurt05 · 17/11/2024 10:19

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yoghurt05 · 17/11/2024 10:18

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Screamingabdabz · 17/11/2024 10:17

So the issue isn’t so much your sister, it’s that you can’t say no to her. Work on that.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 17/11/2024 10:17

bubblesxx · 17/11/2024 10:10

I dont by choice, she's constantly asking for things and I find it hard to say no

Then this is a 'you' problem
You may need to find a hobby, or life for yourself at weekends.

While she may be a user, expecting contact with someone every singe day outside of your nuclear family is suffocating.
You say you see her everyday Mon-Fri?
So it would be more than normal to not have contact for 2/7 days.

Maybe socially she's hit her quota of what she can do socialising by Saturday.
Either way. You need to fix you

yoghurt05 · 17/11/2024 10:17

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bubblesxx · 17/11/2024 10:13

jeaux90 · 17/11/2024 10:12

You are not her parent. Why are you doing so much for her?

Some people find constant communication exhausting. I am ND and I just need to shut myself away at the weekends. Maybe she does too!

Because she's constantly asking for stuff from me, or for me to do things for her and when I don't she gets pissed off, she's ignorant that's what it is, she's not ND I see her use my parents in the exact same way.

OP posts:
Anotherworrier · 17/11/2024 10:13

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So hardly surprising that she may want some space at the weekend then.

Cherrysoup · 17/11/2024 10:12

Stop being so available, she’s walking all over you.

SlightlyGoneOff · 17/11/2024 10:12

bubblesxx · 17/11/2024 10:10

I dont by choice, she's constantly asking for things and I find it hard to say no

Then the issue is with your people-pleasing. Tell her you’re focusing on your children and your own MH and taking a step back from her.

yoghurt05 · 17/11/2024 10:12

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jeaux90 · 17/11/2024 10:12

You are not her parent. Why are you doing so much for her?

Some people find constant communication exhausting. I am ND and I just need to shut myself away at the weekends. Maybe she does too!

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