Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

35 and want to be married before kids

159 replies

YourLivelyRedBiscuit · 17/11/2024 02:32

Boyfriend of 18 months desperate for children but I am not willing to do so without a commitment ie marry me.

I know that clock is ticking blabla but I frankly feel insecure without a legal commitment. I'm putting my body and career on the line.

I don't even mind doing small ceremony now then a big one later.

We are still in the process of buying a house and I would like this sorted first too.

He says he will marry me but I feel insecure as his actions don't entirely match his words.

I know that it could take a while to fall pregnant but I feel hurt that he would get engaged to his ex but seems to want to check if I have a working womb first.

OP posts:
LegoHouse274 · 17/11/2024 03:43

No YANBU. If he says he's going to marry you then I'd just be asking him well why why don't we now?! If it's not too soon for TTC then it's not too soon for marriage.

PermanentTemporary · 17/11/2024 03:41

Yeah I think your priorities are right. I wouldn't want a baby with someone who wouldn't marry me or have me on the deeds of the house I lived in either.

You've made it straightforward though. He knows what you need from him. Keep it sunny - it's so simple! Marry you and get the property deal sorted and then you can get on with making babies.

Original poster
YourLivelyRedBiscuit · 17/11/2024 03:34

We have met each others families and this is a big deal in his culture so his intentions are serious but why won't he marry me first? Makes me feel not good enough

OP posts:
Original poster
YourLivelyRedBiscuit · 17/11/2024 03:32

Thank you all for your input, it's really appreciated. We sort of have trialled living together as we are almost neighbours and we spend a lot of time at each others' places. We see each other every day and I love him and love spending time with him. I know it's not the same as living together but its something closer to that than what might appear.

Other than the baby thing he is a wonderful person and can see myself with him. He has said that he will marry me but I don't want a child with someone who said he will marry me but does not make any meaningful moves to do so.

I would also like to spend some time myself on improving my financial situation (I have some cc debt to clear but can do this within six months which he knows) and putting us in the best position for a good mortgage without any dependants to declare. My parents have helped me a lot with getting on the ladder so it is a must that I'm on the joint mortgage so I least have some stake in it. Initially he wanted to do the whole thing himself as he has a huge deposit saved which at the start I thought was quite sweet but then if marriage gets kicked down the road, where does that leave me if things go pear shaped?

His cousin recently had a baby then got married. She is similar age to us and had trouble conceiving. I have normal periods and don't foresee any issues but you never know as equally fertility issues occur on the male side.

I am hurt that he seems to prioritise baby making over marrying at the moment as it seems to think it will take ages. My sis fell within three months at the same age.

For me personally I would like to have children but I don't think it would be the end of the world it I couldn't. We had an argument where he sensed that I wasn't baby-mad but a lot of it is just pure fear of lack of security and being completely reliant on him without any legal protection, effects on my body, career and so on. I asked for space to think about things. It is really sad if I have to end things but I don't feel safe having a baby out of wedlock, even if it means risking not having kids at all, AIBU?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2024 02:57

Zanatdy · 17/11/2024 02:53

I don’t think 18 months is too soon to buy a house together like PP said, I have a friend who was married within 18 months. She was mid 30’s too I guess the clock was ticking (he was mid 40’s) so they cracked on. 15yrs later, still very much together. I agree in not having DC before marriage. Stick to your guns.

It puts her in a vulnerable position though.

If he drags his heels on marriage, she'll be less inclined to leave him because of the upheaval of selling the house. She may end up caving and having kids.

Also, I could be wrong here but- With them not being married, there may also be issues when selling the house. There won't be a divorce that can force the other party to sell, for example.

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2024 02:54

If I were you, I'd say 'right lets rent together for 6 months and if all goes well, we'll set the wedding date for within a year of that and start looking for a house for after the wedding too'.

If after 6 months, he umms and awesome or is dragging his heels, cut your losses and move out.

Zanatdy · 17/11/2024 02:53

I don’t think 18 months is too soon to buy a house together like PP said, I have a friend who was married within 18 months. She was mid 30’s too I guess the clock was ticking (he was mid 40’s) so they cracked on. 15yrs later, still very much together. I agree in not having DC before marriage. Stick to your guns.

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2024 02:47

Good on you for having standards.

I must say though I wouldn't be buying a house with someone I'd only dated 18 months either.far too risky.

What if he refuses to marry you? You'll be stuck to him by the house. And you migh get coaxed into pregnancy without marriage.

Id rethink this house idea.
Rent together maybe. For a year lease tops. But don't buy together.

It's maybe a bit soon for a wedding. But not for an engagement.

What do you mean he wants to check your womb works first? Is HE pushing kids already?Because that's a huge red flag. Huge.

A man who wants kids with a woman should at least be discussing marriage first. It's basic respect. Fair enough if you didn't want to get married but this isn't the case.

It sounds to me like he might just want a baby. And not to be a father in terms of actually stepping up.

I don't like this op. Not one bit.
It's too risky.

Make sure your contraception is airtight whatever you do.

Millicentmarjorie · 17/11/2024 02:46

I wouldn’t have kids without getting married first. Women give up so much when they have children and unfortunately dads could just walk away or die, leaving the mother and kids up shit creek. At least if you’re married you have legal rights and protections. Without marriage you’re basically stuffed.