35 and want to be married before kids

No way would I think about having children with a man who wasn't really keen on getting married first. And don't buy a house with him either. Why tangle up your finances with a man who places so little value on your financial security that he pushes you to get pregnant but doesn't want to legally commit to you.
I'd stay as you are. Separate homes and finances until you have reached a level of career advancement that you are happy with and he has matured enough to realise marriage first, children second is the most secure order for women, which he should be fine with if he has your best interests at heart.

I find it really odd when people want kids but not marriage, kids are a much bigger commitment than marriage.

I know you’ve not been together that long but if he genuinely wanted commitment/kids then he would have proposed and be planning the wedding already.

The sad fact is, is that men can walk away from kids but they can’t from marriage as easily.
Marriage is more of a commitment for men than kids are.

Some men will want the woman to stay committed by having a baby but not give her the commitment in return by being married.

I would be careful with this one and be very open about remaining on contraception until you are married.

You don’t need any a big celebration day, that can come later if it’s something you both want but for now a registery office would be fine.

This.

Not a chance would I have had DC before marriage. DH never suggested it - but the answer would have been no. That was 30 years ago but I was clued up enough then to know that it’s usually the woman who is screwed over when there are DC and no legal protection.

Wouldn’t ttc (or buy property) together until married (not just engaged).

Stand your ground. Your instincts are correct. Just be aware that regular periods don’t always mean it will be straightforward to conceive.

Do you feel you could say what culture this is ? I'm more concerned about this than the fact he is hesitant to marry?
Is there a possibility that he won't marry you, but is waiting for a woman from his own culture?
Sorry to be blunt, but I do find it concerning.

There is no "right" way to move forward with your life but you sound like you have some clear ideas about what you want so you need to set your boundaries and stick to them.

There are plenty of happy families who have done things differently; children before marriage, no marriage, living separately or together. Plenty of relationships that end after having children (marriage or not) can still be positive experiences and great co-parents. Doing things in the "right" order doesn't guarantee that you are protected or secure for your remaining days.

But please don't back down on what your expectations are for the next stage of your relationship. You know what matters to you and be prepared to walk away if you feel the compromise is too much.

I was basically in this EXACT position

we bought the house as tenants on common with our original deposits ring fenced and equity gains apportioned in line with deposit (not 50/50)
we did this ONLY as this was more favourable to me.
in your case I’d want 50/50.

i was happy to forgo kids if I was not having them inside of marriage.
i was clear I saw a future and if he wanted children we were on a timeline and so I expected to be engaged by end year and if he wasn’t on the same page lmk now.
ring shopping was in sept he proposed at christmas.
we got married the next summer (so 6m or so engagement. No big wedding venue and 3 year wait… we did Civil ceremony and hired a restaurant)

our relationship was SO strong I thought I was being OTT I am now 40 with 2 kids and have NO regrets NONE! about insisting upon marriage and if anything have doubled down on my marriage before children stance.
babies test your relationship in ways you cannot conceive of…

SO much will change for you when you have children and it is 💯 fair and right for you to seek that protection.
if he can’t give it you can continue as you are and you keep your independence or split. But if HE wants kids HE needs to demonstrate his commitment to you and your child(ren) through marriage
don’t move on this

This

I was initially drawn to your post as I thought ‘crikey…35… better get going’ but actually given you’re relaxed about whether or not you have kids, holding out for marriage before having them is perfectly understandable.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

There would be no reason to marry you after you've lived together, bought a house and had his children. You'd have given him everything he wanted and left the exit wide open should he decide to walk out with minimum repercussions to him. This was my line in the sand; no marriage meant no living together and definitely no kids. I've stuck to this principle all my life, I don't have time to get my head screwed by shitheads who promise the world and don't deliver.

There is a reason why many cultures encourage children after marriage because the woman is in a vulnerable position otherwise. If he refuses marriage before children and house buying then he's told you he wants to keep his options open. I don't think your boyfriend is serious about you otherwise he'd have agreed to marriage as soon as you mentioned it.

Good for you OP!

I would want to live together for a year at least before making any other big commitments so I would use that time to plan/set a date for wedding . If he won't do it you need to ask yourself why and decide whether you can accept that or move on.

Whatever you do, don't take engagement as 'good enough'. It means nothing security wise until you're down the isle. It's not a demonstration of commitment. Proposals can easily be withdrawn.

Also a good point about kids from pp. If you don't really, really want children, then you don't want them at all. 'Meh' is not an attitude to enter into parenthood with.

Could you propose to him and set a date? Small simple wedding 3 months after you’ve moved in together.

I'd get a fertility check and then talk through how your maternity leave will look. So many women on here seem to think that they need to save to cover their share of the bills. It should drop down proportionally, with both of you financing things for the baby, anything maternity related and even maternity clothes. Then talk through what being a Father looks like to him. Will his life stop in the way your's will, does he accept that on maternity leave you will be looking after a newborn and recovering from birth, not be struggling as a sole housekeeper etc. What is his cultural norm on that? Then it's marriage or no baby.

Above all, be clear and honest with him about your feelings that you do not feel secure not being married before you start making children. It's not about how much you love him.

Don't move in together without the ring.
Set a fair time limit.
Give him XX months to pop the question, after which you will move in. (Have him help decide the number of months.)

Go out, have fun times, buy the house, as tennants in common, and once engaged you can plan the wedding, move in and think of children.

If the XX months are up without a proposal, tell him you will sell your interest in the house and leave the relationship.
He might be open to you buying him out or you both owning the house as an investment rental for XX months until you decide other route.

“For me personally I would like to have children but I don't think it would be the end of the world it I couldn't“

This is a bit of a red flag, do you genuinely really really want children, or is it just its the done thing that most people do, so your going along with the norm? Children you need to really actively want, you can’t go back and change your mind.

House buying is stressful, so I hope that goes smoothly. Personally I wouldn’t commit to marriage or children with someone I hadn’t lived with, or buying a property to be honest. I would wanting to be living together for a good 6-9 months minimum before making any other decisions first.

You are absolutely 100% right, if he wants a child with you, you should absolutely be legally protected. I’m always suspicious when a man wants a child but no marriage that he isn’t all in tbh, he doesn’t want to risk his assets, when I married DH I had more assets than him, but wasn’t anticipating leaving, it’s the risk you accept for love and I was happy to risk my assets to build a family with him.

The reality theres been a fair few times on mumsnet of women who are suddenly facing homelessness after long relationships because they did not make sure they were married before having children.

Having kids is always a roll of the dice for women, the chances are much higher of being ditched with the children. Or ending up on the back foot in employment (do NOT let this happen to you, it doesn’t matter if it looks like the maths doesn’t add up, do not stop working) Men rarely pack their kids up and leave.

There are plenty of women who are put at financial risk by marriage but it’s not the norm. Honestly though I would have thought less of DH if he had expected DC before marriage. I would have a think about whether you want to even have kids with him at all if he doesn’t get what the risks are to you or he does get it and doesn’t care.

Also most people with traditional cultural values think marriage before kids is important.

Getting married is not complicated or expensive. If he is committed enough to have a baby, getting married should be as simple as going to fill out any other paperwork. If he doesn’t understand the risk a woman takes by getting pregnant and becoming a mother, then I would rethink him as a good potential partner in parenthood.

I agree with you OP. However, I wouldn't feel hurt or offended - he's allowed his opinion, and I don't think it means you're "not good enough". I would not start TTC until we were married (and I'd be happy to keep explaining why).

What cultural background does he come from?

And did he make a comment about your having ‘a working womb’ or is that that just you trying to make light of this?

The reason I ask is that in some subcultures marriage comes after pregnancy, not before.

Again you say 'he wants to prioritise baby making'.

This would give me the fear.

Again, are you saying he's actually suggesting you try for kids now? Because that would be game over for me.

I'd find it so disrespectful that he was pushing the idea of kids before marriage when he knows you want marriage.

Frankly, if he is pushing it - it's creepy.

It's fine to say he isn't ready to marry yet. But pushing the baby idea is insidious.

I'd let him but the house himself. If it becomes the marital home, you will likely still have a stake in it in the case of divorce.

Don't put your money in with someone you've never lived with who isn't yet committed to the marriage you want.

Does he look after his own home? (is it clean, does he pay his bills and do all the housework himself?)

Charming man.....what does he propose to do if your womb does not 'work'?