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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

35 and want to be married before kids

159 replies

YourLivelyRedBiscuit · 17/11/2024 02:32

Boyfriend of 18 months desperate for children but I am not willing to do so without a commitment ie marry me.

I know that clock is ticking blabla but I frankly feel insecure without a legal commitment. I'm putting my body and career on the line.

I don't even mind doing small ceremony now then a big one later.

We are still in the process of buying a house and I would like this sorted first too.

He says he will marry me but I feel insecure as his actions don't entirely match his words.

I know that it could take a while to fall pregnant but I feel hurt that he would get engaged to his ex but seems to want to check if I have a working womb first.

OP posts:
BackinBlack24 · 17/11/2024 08:22

I was 35 when I started TTC and took me two years to get pregnant I was literally starting IVF when I fell pregnant naturally we had bought our house in the middle of it all but put off being married . I get what others are saying about being married first and having that commitment and security but just keep in mind you might not have the time you think you have if you want more than one child . Just food for thought

WonderingWanda · 17/11/2024 08:19

Stick to your guns op. If he wants to commit to raising a child with you then he can commit to bloody getting married. Feels like a massive red flag to be honest.

Hazeby · 17/11/2024 08:16

There are women on here every week who are being shafted in divorce. Can’t afford a house, the ex disputing their earnings, not paying child maintenance and all the rest of it.

My point is that marriage won’t protect you if the man you’re marrying doesn’t have the same values as you. Who he is and how he approaches these things is the most important thing.

The fact he is dismissive of your wants and needs and thinks he knows best and is pressuring you to do it his way should be the thing that has you worried - not the actual fact of marriage or no marriage.

StaringAtTheWater · 17/11/2024 08:14

I don't think he's weird for being keener on kids than marriage. Some people do see it as a party and a piece of paper.

But you are perfectly reasonable and sensible to insist on marriage first, given the risks and sacrifices women make when they have babies are usually much greater. I would do the same. I wouldn't even debate with him about it - that gives the impression it's up for discussion and you might change your mind. Just be clear that it is an absolute necessity for you. Then he needs to decide.

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2024 08:10

Yes a prior poster voiced the fear I was trying to word exactly. If he wants the commitment of kids (which should be FAR bigger of a commitment than marriage) but, not the commitment of marriage- it indicates he doesn't think children are a commitment at all. Why? Because he thinks you'll do all the child rearing.

It's mysoginy. And at worst, he is potentially looking to baby trap you. Would explain his frustration when you set boundaries around having kids.

Kitkat2065 · 17/11/2024 08:08

Namechangey23 · 17/11/2024 07:55

It really isn't...ask him how being on his BUPA will help you and his kids if he pegs it and there is no marriage link. I'd be looking into that one legally if I was you! If he wont get married will he at least sign a legal agreement to commit to half responsibility for his kids now and in the future?! We need an agreement which isn't marriage for fuckwits wont get married but oh so happy to procreate!! They should be forced to sign it in the maternity ward.

I'm his beneficiary if he pegs it, mortgage is in my name, I ain't daft. He's been married before and got shafted in the divorce (partially down to him not being bothered to fight it). 10 years in, we aren't kids. Having the kids is a commitment in itself

Littlemisscapable · 17/11/2024 08:07

I've never met a man who was genuinely mad to have a baby....why does he want a baby without marriage and commitment.

Jk987 · 17/11/2024 08:07

I'm assuming you love each other and are otherwise happy. I'd stop contraception and go for it. You're buying a house together, that's commitment. Make sure you both have wills.

You won't get this time back. The sooner you start ttc the better your chances.

NamelessNancy · 17/11/2024 08:06

I think your attitude is really sensible and would want marriage too. At 35 I'd consider fertility testing now tbh to give some information as to how much time you might have to make decisions/TTC and work from there.

As regards the idea that the risk of having kids without marriage can be negated by continuing to work full time that's not entirely true. Things like disability or illness cannot always be predicted and disrupt the best laid of plans. I know this from experience but was not impacted any more than DH by me ending up on a much lower salary than him as are married and share finances.

Lastly please don't get sucked into the nonsense of "waiting for a proposal" that we see on here so often. You're grown ups who can discuss and make big decisions together. Good luck!

Comingupriver · 17/11/2024 08:02

How does he treat you when you’re ill? Is he trying to keep up with his cousin?

Comingupriver · 17/11/2024 08:00

OP, what does he love about you? Joe do you know he would be a decent partner in this? Having babies is liek putting a grenade into your relationship. The foundation has to be rock solid. Be careful here. You are not a womb for rent.

SoiledMyselfDuringSomeTurbulence · 17/11/2024 07:59

Have you explored with him whose surname he thinks the baby will have? It's your choice if unmarried. This seems to be a big deal for a surprising number of men.

LovelyDaaling · 17/11/2024 07:58

Trust your instincts, no wedding, no baby.

holju · 17/11/2024 07:57

Perhaps he's worried that you'll marry him then decide you don't want kids.

Hateam · 17/11/2024 07:56

He says he will marry me but I feel insecure as his actions don't entirely match his words.

Don't marry him, don't have kids with him, don't buy a house with

You'll be back on Mumsnet in 6 years saying how he changed after children arrived and how awful he is.

Redlorryyellowcar · 17/11/2024 07:55

We talked about babies before marriage and it happened very fast. We did get married when our baby was 1 but it was a very stressful first year and he threatened to pull out of the wedding multiple times.

i wouldnt recommend it. We are still married but looking back I wish we’d done a small wedding first (reason we didn’t marry when I was pregnant was my choosing, I wanted the big white wedding and to have a glass of fizz at our wedding)

Namechangey23 · 17/11/2024 07:55

Kitkat2065 · 17/11/2024 07:26

I would have liked the same, but two kids and a mortgage later still no ring. In his words however 'i've put you on my Bupa ... That's committment" 🤣

It really isn't...ask him how being on his BUPA will help you and his kids if he pegs it and there is no marriage link. I'd be looking into that one legally if I was you! If he wont get married will he at least sign a legal agreement to commit to half responsibility for his kids now and in the future?! We need an agreement which isn't marriage for fuckwits wont get married but oh so happy to procreate!! They should be forced to sign it in the maternity ward.

JustMyView13 · 17/11/2024 07:53

You have to be really firm in what you want. Explain to him, ultimately he can walk out at 39+6 with next to no consequences, leaving you with a baby as a single parent and you’d have to fight to get your child the maintenance they deserve.
He will respond and tell you he would never do that, do you not trust him. And your response is simply that yes you trust him, you never see that scenario happening to you. But nor do all the other women who find themselves in that position. You’re happy to make the sacrifices that come with having his child, but he too needs to show commitment at the same level. Even if that means a quick 2+2 service at the registry office.
Ultimately if he thinks that’s an unreasonable position for you to take, then you have your answer unfortunately. Better now though.

Also if your parents gave you money, consider a pre-nup.

Pumpkinpie890 · 17/11/2024 07:52

I would get married. Buy a house. Then children.

Children are down as dependents on mortgage applications so will have an impact. Best to be married before house and house before children.

I would be direct and cut your losses as I agree if he is pushing for babies but avoiding marriage I'd be concerned, as children are a lifelong commitment you can't divorce from..to commit to that but not ensuring financial security for you all, it's a hint that he isn't seeing fatherhood responsibly.
Unfortunately we don't have time on our side so I'd be pretty ruthless in my boundaries and expectations before any decisions are put into action.

Namechangey23 · 17/11/2024 07:47

YourLivelyRedBiscuit · 17/11/2024 03:32

Thank you all for your input, it's really appreciated. We sort of have trialled living together as we are almost neighbours and we spend a lot of time at each others' places. We see each other every day and I love him and love spending time with him. I know it's not the same as living together but its something closer to that than what might appear.

Other than the baby thing he is a wonderful person and can see myself with him. He has said that he will marry me but I don't want a child with someone who said he will marry me but does not make any meaningful moves to do so.

I would also like to spend some time myself on improving my financial situation (I have some cc debt to clear but can do this within six months which he knows) and putting us in the best position for a good mortgage without any dependants to declare. My parents have helped me a lot with getting on the ladder so it is a must that I'm on the joint mortgage so I least have some stake in it. Initially he wanted to do the whole thing himself as he has a huge deposit saved which at the start I thought was quite sweet but then if marriage gets kicked down the road, where does that leave me if things go pear shaped?

His cousin recently had a baby then got married. She is similar age to us and had trouble conceiving. I have normal periods and don't foresee any issues but you never know as equally fertility issues occur on the male side.

I am hurt that he seems to prioritise baby making over marrying at the moment as it seems to think it will take ages. My sis fell within three months at the same age.

For me personally I would like to have children but I don't think it would be the end of the world it I couldn't. We had an argument where he sensed that I wasn't baby-mad but a lot of it is just pure fear of lack of security and being completely reliant on him without any legal protection, effects on my body, career and so on. I asked for space to think about things. It is really sad if I have to end things but I don't feel safe having a baby out of wedlock, even if it means risking not having kids at all, AIBU?

Whoa hold it right there. You are not sure if you even want kids! Why are you letting him pressure you?

Kids put a bomb in your current life, I know I have 2. It will put your life under stress so if one or several elements of it are not up to scratch it will creak and groan and those problems will become more stark, resentment sets in etc. Having a child is he biggest test, it's when you find out truly who you both are, whether you work as a team and what you are really made of. Some people take to parenting like a duck to water, some people get by and some people just survive.

Have you asked him WHY he is so desperate for kids suddenly, because there are a lot of reasons that aren't great... Such as family pressure/ cultural expectation/ sibling competition etc. I actually think it's quite unusual now for men to want kids, but someone will come along and say NEM!

A great many women find out AFTER having kids their partner is a lazy self centered person who thinks raising children and the mental load of doing it as well as the physical load is ',women's work'. Swerve these men, it only gets worse and you will wind up hating him. I'd probe a bit deeper on what his views on women really are, his own childhood (what role did his father play-would he be different?) and how he plans to raise his future kids right through to adulthood, is it the same way you would do it or will you have to compromise and are you both prepared to do that? Also a very important question is...WHY did he break up with his former fiancée...I'd be very tempted to ask her the same question! They were going to get married and one of them backed out. WHY? And why is he now not bothered about marriage when he had proposed to her...it's a bit fishy.

Also you need to do some work on yourself first. You say you are in debt, great clear it quick but HOW did you get this way in the first place? If you are only just making ends meet things will get much much worse if you have a child so need to focus on boosting earnings first. If it's that you bought lots of unnecessary things, you need to learn to budget as a mortgage and a child are both massive long term financial commitments and you will have to go without the things you fancy (unless you are loaded!) to service both commitments. It's estimated the current cost of raising a child to 18 is circa £200K at today's money. And it costs more if you have to do it alone (which entirely isn't fair!). You worry about everything to do with your child, last thing you want is relationship worries or financial guilt on top. How will you continue to work (assuming you haven't preagreed to live off your partners income or parental handouts?). What is the childcare like in the area you plan to settle in? Find local Facebook groups and ask what nurseries or child minders are around and then find out how much they charge and what help would be available to you. My youngest's nursery cost is £94 a day in the South East (not London) for example..

I hope this serves as some common sense talking, you sound like you have your head properly screwed on anyway to be thinking about this now and not just accidently getting pregnant...which is how I did the first time, wish I could go back in time and tell myself these things! It's worked out ok in the end but could have been easier, less heartbreak and less stressful times with prior planning.

Necky1 · 17/11/2024 07:33

So many threads where women wanted marriage, were promised it, but after children they changed their minds.

The fact that his culture is different is also not something to rush into.

Rent for a year, get engaged, small wedding, THEN children.

If he refuses, you then realise that he is playing you.
Which I think he is.
Some men want everything their own way.

Only foolish women give in and regret it.

Your gut is warning you to protect yourself.

Aside from everything, I wouldn't dream of having children if I was ambivalent about it.

Big mistake. Having children can be just too hard if you are not sure about it.
Some of the happiest people I know don't have children.

Kitkat2065 · 17/11/2024 07:26

I would have liked the same, but two kids and a mortgage later still no ring. In his words however 'i've put you on my Bupa ... That's committment" 🤣

Necky1 · 17/11/2024 07:23

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2024 02:47

Good on you for having standards.

I must say though I wouldn't be buying a house with someone I'd only dated 18 months either.far too risky.

What if he refuses to marry you? You'll be stuck to him by the house. And you migh get coaxed into pregnancy without marriage.

Id rethink this house idea.
Rent together maybe. For a year lease tops. But don't buy together.

It's maybe a bit soon for a wedding. But not for an engagement.

What do you mean he wants to check your womb works first? Is HE pushing kids already?Because that's a huge red flag. Huge.

A man who wants kids with a woman should at least be discussing marriage first. It's basic respect. Fair enough if you didn't want to get married but this isn't the case.

It sounds to me like he might just want a baby. And not to be a father in terms of actually stepping up.

I don't like this op. Not one bit.
It's too risky.

Make sure your contraception is airtight whatever you do.

This.
I wouldn't be buying a house. Too soon.

I am hugely suspicious of men who are baby but not marriage mad.

They know EXACTLY what they want with a little commitment and blowback as possible.

Kindly, but only foolish woman have babies without being married when they are not financially secure with an excellent well paid job.

He wants to fully buy a house, you to have a baby, no marriage.

YOU and only YOU are putting EVERYTHING on the line for a man who wants it all without commitment.

Calculate the minimum child maintenance.
THAT is all he has to give you as he walks out the door and you are left royally screwed.

Huge huge red flag that he was angry you are not baby mad.

He sounds like a prick who thinks you are dim and going to fall for this.

DON'T.

You don't know him.
18 months is nothing.

Do not give up your career and independence for such a selfish man.

If he really loved you, he would be keen for marriage.

He fancies a child, thats all.
Don't be a fool.

Justleaveitblankthen · 17/11/2024 07:23

Like other PPS I was even more concerned when you spoke about things being important to his culture.

So is he 'going against' his culture with a baby before marriage?
This is even more of a red flag I'm afraid.

I think that you have strong and healthy boundaries though OP. 💐

LoquaciousPineapple · 17/11/2024 07:19

You're only 18 months in and don't live together, so I can understand his reluctance to get married right now. He is being unreasonable to pressure for children at this point though. It suggests to me that he sees children as less of a commitment than marriage, which isn't a perspective I'd want in a partner. That alone would make me reconsider the whole relationship, to be honest.

A marriage is legally very easy to leave, with just some financial penalties (if you choose to see it like that). Why does he think that's more of a commitment than having a child with someone? That implies to me that he thinks he can walk away from his kid(s) relatively unscathed and untied if the relationship breaks down. That he sees the financial penalties of divorce as impacting him more than the practical ones of coparenting. Which means he doesn't intend to be a good coparent all.