35 and want to be married before kids

OP: my Greek partner says "Talk to his mother! Tell her he wants babies but won't marry you and see what she says!"

I'm not sure I'd have the courage to do this, mind!

Marriage first. Then house and babies.

You can literally go the registry office within weeks and sort it.

If he doesn’t want to do this, I wouldn’t be buying a house with him or even discussing children. 🚩

Sounds like he
is gaslighting you big time.

You marry someone because you adore them. If he married you and ‘your womb didn’t work’ would be leave you ?

This is madness. You could be pregnant in 1 months or it might take 2 years !? You’re now worried. Will he leave you if you don’t get pregnant asap. It sounds like he is trying to make you doubt yourself .

This is all wrong . You are , I imagine a wonderful and capable woman. There will be plenty of men who want to marry you for you . Why waste time on this chump?

Stick to your guns. I want to be married . Then I will try for a baby. That’s it. If you aren’t compatible now why would you kick the can down the road and complicate it ? Why buy. House ? This won’t change anything. He just knows you will then be tied to him and getting older and you will just agree to have a baby.

Have an honestly chat. Set your stalls out ans ne prepared to leave . I left a guy of 7 years because he would give me everything apart from marriage ! That wasn’t enough for me. I didn’t want to be his girlfriend, housekeeper and the woman who raised the children. Yet not be worthy of being a wife. He kept saying it made no difference but it did to me. It took me years to leave because I was 29 and clock was ticking. I meet my now DH and he has got down one one knee after one year and 6 months later we were married . 2 years after meeting we had bought a house , had a baby and were married ! He looks at me like I’m magic. Please don’t lower yourself to accept this blokes ploy.

I don’t personally want kids but if I did - no way would I consider it without being married.

Have you actually told him “no marriage = no baby” ?

Marriage and a wedding are not the same thing. If the DP doesn't want to it's a moot point anyway but if he did they could marry quickly and cheaplfor the protection it gives.

Again, as for the SAHM/continue working point please bear in mind it is not always that simple. Women take risks with their health that men do not when having children. Also it is not so easy to stick to earning plans if th child has health problems or disabilities. All which risk women like the OP finding themselves unable to keep up their income as originally planned. It's all well and good when things go well... In sickness and in health etc.

My mother has only ever given me two pieces of advice.

Don’t have children with a man who unless your married .
&
Pay your pension!

These 2 things I have done.

I didn’t get married until 32 and had 2 babies within 2 years !
Now aged 37 I know so many women with children who are still waiting for marriage !! 2 of these women are long term partners of my brothers - desperate to get married but still girlfriends in their 40s.

Marriage doesn’t have to cost much
so that is not an excuse . ! I got married 18 months after meeting DH!!!!!!

Why would you be completely reliant on him?

I remember reading that it can be up to 2 years before you really see a person.
How often on MN do we read of men that didn't present as lazy selfish pricks until children came into the picture.

6 months is nothing time wise and a complete aberration in terms of meeting and marrying, certainly no bench mark to apply.

I would call it madness and enormous good luck that it worked out well.
Delighted it did for you though!

"Marry in haste, repent at leisure"is a saying for a reason.

You've got no reason to think he doesn't want to be committed to you, you are buying a home together and he wants a baby!

Perhaps he is worried that if you leave it too long (time for you to sort cc debt, a wedding, a house purchase) it'll be too late. If he knows for sure that he wants children in his life, then he might be thinking that he doesn't want to wait until marriage and end up stuck in a marriage where he can't have them!

I don't see the big deal to be honest if you get a joint mortgage and don't plan to give up your job to be a SAHM, what have you got to lose other than pension contributions while on mat leave?

But respectfully, no one knows anyone in 6 months. You got very lucky.

Most abusers for example, wait at least that long before dropping their guise.

Tbh I'd drop any man that so much as hinted that we should have a baby before marriage anyway. I'd think he was a disrespectful, cheeky af prick.

Some might argue that so many people do this these days in the UK that there's some argument that some men don't think it's disrespectful anymore. But i don't really agree with that if I'm honest. I think too many women just let them play dumb. Because they want to believe he loves and respects them. And that he'll step up if they have kids.

If he's Greek and close with his family/culture... I would absolutely assume he damn well thinks it's disrespectful on the highest level to suggest children before marriage. But - 'gullible British woman I can use as a brood mare without marrying'.

I get the pressure at that age - I was similar age with my partner of 2 years, we agreed we wanted children, got engaged a few weeks after that conversation, bought our house then started trying. We got married when DC was 6months old. If he is honest about wanting to marry you but worried about timescales he will do something to show you he is committed.

Not really. Later in life, you make decisions much quicker cos you have the benefit of previous experience, and not the luxury of time.
I was married in 6 months. No regrets and it's completely normal on many cultures.

A child is a bigger commitment, we were married baby 9 months after honeymoon.

If he won't marry you then I would be worried

Has he explicitly said that you need to get pregnant first before you marry?

Have you both sat down and talked timelines of engagement, wedding, house, baby etc?

Are you both ‘the one’ for each other? AKA is it more situational than ‘omg this is the person I want to nag for the rest of my life grow old with’?

I am completely guessing as there’s not much info to go on here but is he still processing things from his past relationship with his ex fiancée? Or do you think he might be planning to propose at Christmas and is trying not to give it away and doing too well with it?
You need to talk calmly and pragmatically

Oh, be prepared for him to call you a gold digger. Dont fall for that.
There was a lady on here who had mived with her partner for 15 years, had 2 DC and now shafted because he called her a gold digger everytime she asked for an equal share or marriage.

He is making sure everything works to his advantage ahead of yours. So basically, house first, then baby, then (possibly, but no real incentive for him) marriage. Does he have a secure job and earnings, OP? Does he, could he financially support you both when you are on maternity?

You’re not. You’re being sensible and pragmatic.

Buy on your own.

Don't become a baby oven for a selfish man.
Particularly as you are ambivalent about children.

He likes you perhaps, he certainly doesn't love you.

You are a convenience for a baby oven.

Men like him change their mi d easily after the baby arrives when he wasn't in love with you in the first place.

Protect your independence and finances.
He's not in love with you, he is stringing you along.

Wanting to be a father without the hassle of marriage is a thing with men.

Don't be used by him.

My advice would depend on your career and financial position. Although I wanted to get married to my ex from a romantic point of view, marriage in the protection sense would have made me worse off as I out earned him, have a better pension etc. we owned our house jointly so no issues there.

If you can get back to your career after having a baby and are not planning to be a SAHM, own your house and would be able to sustain yourself, I wouldn't worry too much.

If none of that applies stick to your guns.

Do you love him? Ask him to marry you this summer. If he says no, cut your lossss and get rid, he doesn't love you in the way you need.

Good on you for being sensible with a strong boundary op. Very few women think like you and just put a man first.
You're right, if he doesn't want to marry you then will he stick around if there's a fertility issue. The man you choose to be the father will be one of the biggest life long decisions you make, so choose wisely.

@YourLivelyRedBiscuit it sounds like you have your head screwed on and you know what you are doing.

If you have met his parents, I wonder what they might think of him wanting to get you pregnant before marriage? I suspect they would prefer marriage first, much like you.

I was the poster that wondered if culture was a factor in his reluctance, and after you said he was Greek, a quick google led me to this: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/psp.2806
Greece has the lowest rate of births outside marriage in Europe. So it is definitely not a cultural thing!

I think you need a serious conversation with him and I hope it goes the way you want, whatever that may be.