I don't want my sister to see my children

I completely disagree and think you are right they are both disrespecting your wishes just go low low contact if not no contact and get on with your lives. A couple of times my sisters have stepped over the boundaries I set, I told them no and they struggled to accept that and got angry at me for being upset with their unacceptable behaviour. Both myself and my daughter keep them at arms length now and work hard to be neutral with them when we do see them. We frequently bite our tongues. We know they often mean well, I have allowed them a close relationship with her, and its been hard to be protective of her with how close to the line they sail sometimes but I have taught her how to manage it for herself and we talk about incidents (e.g. she is 19 and when around 17 they would still have a go at her about her choices on things and feel entitled to have a go as well, I am much more laid back, it doesnt help they both teach and imagine all the sins of the kids in school apply to my daughter as well)

We were close as kids - 1 more than the other to be honest but a few things happened and I didn't push any relationship with either of them until my parents were ill and we had to sort a care rota and deal with all the strains of that. They still had some really unreasonable expectations and were very opinionated about it but I had to learn that I could only do what I could do and it was only their opinion didn't mean it was the truth. I don't think it helps that there is undiagnosed and unrecognised neurodiversity thrown in the mix. Try not to get bog downed in the gossip side of it.

I think it's hugely disrespectful for your sister to be trouncing boundaries like this and I would temporarily pull right back

If my grandchildren couldn't visit my house because one of my DDs had fallen out with the other, I'd be devastated. And expecting me to tell the other daughter that she's not allowed to visit me because my grandchildren are visiting is absolutely sticking me in the middle of the fall out.

I don't understand how some posters can't see that.

No it’s not. The OP doesn’t want to go to her mum’s on Christmas Day, so she’s not asking anyone to make a choice. She’s making her own choice, and she has every right to choose not to spend the day with someone who is an arsehole to her, even if they are related.

They are both under 12 so I wouldn't consider this to be an age to "make their own decisions" who to see. It absolutely IS up to the parents who their children should be in contact with.

The OP fully accepts that her mum can have who she likes in her house, that’s why she suggested neutral ground. It’s the mum who has chosen not to take the offer up.

I’d love to hear your sister and mother’s take on all of this.

Why should she though? Even that is taking sides. She shouldn’t be expected to tell her child she can’t visit because of a petty argument.

if she starts telling one child they can’t visit then that is taking sides

Exactly.

In the middle of what? All she has to say is “justworld has requested you’re not here when I see the kids, so I will see you on Friday instead”.

Where does the OP say that she’s asked her mum to pick between them? She’s said that she doesn’t want her DDs seeing the sister, she hasn’t told her mum to stop seeing her. It would be perfectly simple for her mum to see them separately. The mum has chosen not to.

Agree. She can have a nice Christmas with her husband and kids.

But to do that she had to tell her daughter she couldn’t visit. That is putting her in the middle of it.

She’s not in the middle of an argument and she’s not forced to pick a side. All she had to do was respect OP’s wishes and could have stayed friends with both her daughters.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I don’t blame you for restricting contact. It sounds like it’s a lifetime of your sister being a bit of an arsehole and your mum not doing much to put a stop to it. It’s not just a couple of instances of rudeness. Why do you have to keep accepting her behaviour? At what point is it enough? You haven’t told your mum that she can’t have certain people in her home and you haven’t told her that she can’t see your DDs, so if she isn’t willing to abide by your wishes, then that’s on her.

And people can have as many expectations as they like, but if you don’t want to go to your mum’s at Christmas and your DC don’t want to go, then you don’t have to go. What’s the best possible outcome? Will everyone behave and bite their tongues? Or will your sister see it as her opportunity to tell you what she thinks about you? Christmas Day is not a day to have screaming rows with your family; I think you’d be mad to go.

Life is short and there is no need to spend time with someone who makes you uncomfortable. If someone complained about my gifts or my kid crying, I wouldn't waste time on them.

As far as your kids go, they should have a say in who they spend time with. But equally, you shouldn't be expected to give someone access to your children if they will then use it as an opportunity to criticise you further.

Your mum knows where you live. Presumably she can visit your daughters if she wants to see them.

If your children are old enough to have their own phones I don't think it is up to you if they keep in contact with their aunt or not? (With exceptions for abuse which this spat is not).

Her mum shouldn’t be expect to get in the middle of the argument however valid.

no parent should be forced to pick between children

I get on well with all my siblings. But if I disliked one, she was rude to me and wound up my kids, I wouldn’t have my mum dictate how I dealt with it. If she couldn’t respect my choice, that’s her problem.

Yeah also agree that you’re using your children as weapons.

It’s hard to tell, but your post does make it seem like you’re taking it quite far.

Do your children like their aunt?

She behaved badly, you called her out on it, but now you’re refusing to ever see her again and limiting your parents’ involvement in your children’s life.

It is up to you, of course, but you can’t ask your mother to “pick sides”. You’re the one who doesn’t want to see your sister, so you’re the one who has to opt out.

You need to stop using your children as a weapon when you fall out with adults.

The Christmas present thing was ridiculous of your sister, but you shouldn't need to be told to remove your loudly sobbing and obviously distraught 9 year old from the funeral.

It’s ok to be angry with your sister. That doesn’t mean your children and mum need to cut her off. Just communicate and resolve things.

This. Your sister wasn't particularly nice, but it's you that is prolonging this and trying to control other people's relationships.