I don't want my sister to see my children

Because she’s been asked to by her daughter and she should respect her boundaries. It’s not taking sides no matter how much you want to believe it is.

My mother stopped me seeing my Nan when I was small.
My Nan was my world.
I used to call her in secret from the phone box every day on the way home from school (reverse charge) and eventually went to live with my Nan by the age of ten.
I know this is an extreme case, but I just remember great sadness at not being allowed to see my Nan (over petty arguments) and it makes me sad that another child might feel that way too.

Your sister and your parents have disrespected your boundaries. Some may feel fhey are unfair but they are your children. Your sister contacting your daughters on her work phone behind your back is manipulative. Your parents leaving your daughters with your sister while they were out is sneaky.
Has your sister always been the favourite?

Invite your mother for Boxing Day and have Christmas at home without your horrid sister. What a rude and unpleasant woman she is.

Op said her children don't want to see their aunt either so it's not just the op that has made this choice unilaterally.

Which is not something that the OP suggests she’s ever asked her mum to do.

Whilst your sister doesn't sound like the nicest of people, I'd cut her some slack for things said at the funeral and regarding this whole subject because she was grieving the loss of your father too. Whilst children are most certainly entitled to cry too, I can see this might not be deemed appropriate by some if disturbing others. Not sure how many months later the comment about it was but people cope in different ways, I'm not saying she's right but I can understand her point of view.

As for the gifts, a heads up in advance that you couldn't afford more than gifts might have been better, give them the option to roll back theirs if they wished to.

I think sometimes you do need to draw a line under things rather holding grudges

Or mum/nan is expecting/hoping this have blown over by or for Christmas?

The problem op is that it sounds like your mum probably relies emotionally on your sister now your dad has passed and if she lives there with her it's even less acceptable to expect your sister to leave the house for a visit there.
You can only invite your mum over to yours or out if you want to keep your sister away, perhaps change their phones if want to as well but you can't make your mum cut your sister, her daughter off.

That's not how it works.

I don’t understand why some posters seem to think that the OP is demanding her mother cut ties with the OP’s sister. The OP doesn’t expect her mum to tell the OP’s sister that she’s not allowed to visit her. That’s why the OP suggested a neutral ground. It’s all right there, in her post. The mum told the OP that she could have who she liked in her own house and the OP acknowledged that that was fair enough, and gave her another option for seeing the grandchildren, while still maintaining her own boundaries.

There is a happy medium where the mum could see her grandchildren, she could see the OP’s sister, the OP and her sister don’t have to see each other and everyone is happy.

I think you have over reacted. But Xmas day is easy, just say you are having Xmas in your own this year?

Your sister sounds like a nightmare but you are going too far dragging your mum into it. You need to live with less contact/ be superficial but don’t cut your girls off from everyone. People behave strangely around funerals so let that go.

@Justworldfallacy

Don't go op. It's sad but d just don't worry about it and plan a wonderful Xmas with your family as is.

My mum (74) and her sister (76) never got on and haven’t spoken to each other for most of my life. It’s a massive pain to deal with, especially as a weaponised child, and it ruined both of their relationships with their parents. Whatever you decide, try not to involve your kids too much in it. I’ve ended up not really knowing my remaining family as a result, and the handful of times I have met them it’s like a weirdly tense gathering of strangers. Obviously it’s up to you who you want in your life, but it will impact your children a lot.

The only reason that the children don't want to see their grandma, is that OP had created a situation where the grandma cannot continue the relationship that she used to have with them, and OP hasn't been honest with the DD's and explained that it's down to her, not their grandma.

The children don't want to see her and neither do you so you just adjust to seeing nan separately, invite her and her partner or her alone to an evening at yours if you want but I'd keep Christmas day as you and your own to enjoy.

Sounds like you love a drama. Don't know how people live like this!

And then the sister says...?

Simply by saying that, OP's mother has given the sister the impression that she is on OP's side. Or at the very least, that she places OP above her other daughter.

It's an awful situation to put the mum in over a mild spat at an emotional time.

@saraclara to a degree. The other child should respect I want to see my gc but they have trashed the relationship with thier mum so why shoud that child put my relationship with my other daughter and gc at risk? Just don't come when they are there.
Other sister sounds like a dominant bully to me

I no longer wanted my children being in contact with my sister until things changed

So what change were you looking for? Do you mean some kind of apology?

Obviously as with all posts on Mumsnet we only get one side, but I wonder if your sister feels she’s generally overlooked and hard done by as a child free woman within your family and is taking it out on you?

It may sound mean spirited but I chose to scale back on presents for my childhood friends kids, as I was never getting anything back while spending hundreds on birthday and /or Christmas presents every year on them . I wouldn’t even get a card for my birthday from my friend and often she’d forget to text! At first I didn’t mind, but after a decade or so of it I didn’t feel it was fair or that I was valued.

Re. The children it sounds as if they wanted to have a relationship with your sister if she was contacting them through their phone or surely they’d just have blocked her? It seems a bit extreme to go no contact with her and drag your kids into it too after she’s probably spent years cultivating a good relationship with them. And yeah she may not always be perfect and say the best things but she seems to be trying to be in your kids lives. I agree with pp about being careful not to use the kids as a weapon.

I used to babysit a friends kid multiple times a month overnight to give her a break as a young single parent. We had a petty disagreement because she wanted me to take sides in a feud she was having with a mutual friend and I chose not to - she cut me out her child’s life. A year or so later she tried to get me back into her and her child’s lofe but I was done! She was happy to receive all the free childcare, presents, day trips etc I gave for her child but I was clearly seen as being the easily disposable Aunty!

We are from the same town so I’m civil to her, but I keep a distance from her and sadly her kid too. That door is now closed and I chose not to get to know her other kids that came along later.

I know that bothers her, but I had to protect my own feelings too knowing that she could and would just cut me off on a whim, it was better for me to keep my distance.

You may well be done with your sister but I’d think hard about ending the relationship between them and their Aunty!