I don't want my sister to see my children

Nanny changed because you're acting nuts.

Get down off your high horse.

She wasn't. She was rude to OP at the funeral.

It's nothing worth blowing a family apart for.

But they weren't reasonable boundaries. No-one has the be abrupt unreasonable boundaries. But OP has used her children as ammunition and left her mum with little choice. That's just manipulative.

Don’t go. Stay at home and start your own traditions

It isn't a jealousy issue to decide your own children aren't best served by seeing a sister who was rude to your children at a funeral

OP, life is short and you might well live to regret all this.

No. The grandmother should be able to go about her life as normal of she's not talking sides. If her other DD would normally be free to come to the house when the children are there, it's not up to the grandmother to be the one to refuse her entrance.

And if the normal happy relationship that the children had with their grandma involved visiting her house or having sleepovers, they should still be able to do so. Their aunt hasn't done anything so egregious that she's not fit to be around them.

Being mildly snippy at a funeral when emotions are high, is not a safeguarding issue, and OP hasn't indicated that her DDs disliked their auntie until she encouraged them to

I agree, she’s set boundaries and had them broken.

Your sister doesn’t speak respectfully or with sensitivity to you or your children, so you are understandably not interested in being on the receiving end of more of the same, and your mum should understand that as it’s not a new thing after all.

I’m not sure what’s for the best in this situation since only you know what you’re in store for if you do go ?

if you do want to meet for Christmas can you keep if for a shorter timeframe and do a shared activity such as a board game or movie session at home that you will all enjoy, ( if others can keep their rude comments and opinions to themselves) Can you arrange something else to go to, and explain that you have planned something afterwards to take the children?
If it goes well, you could do similar shorter catch ups occasionally ?

Ooooh, I hate "people-pleaser" too. Used to be known as good manners and accepting that you're part of a community, not an island. It's another phrase that gives permission for people to be selfish gits.

I am really going to bed now!

Agree. Op I sympathise completely but feel your actions are drastic.

Oh, how I hate the word boundaries! It's mostly used as an excuse for selfish behaviour. Along with "comfortable" and "uncomfortable." Everyone has to be comfortable these days, God forbid anyone is uncomfortable, and in my day, boundaries were something that divided land.

My parents are dead, but if I'd tried to have a talk about boundaries with them, they'd have laughed me out of the room. And quite right too. It used to be called simply "sticking up for yourself." People have always told others when something is unacceptable and stayed away if they weren't listened to. Also known as having a word. "Boundaries" sounds so prissy and clinical. I hate the way psychology-speak has pervaded everyday speech.

It's late and obviously I'm tired!

We don’t know enough to judge whether it’s a pain in the arse. We don’t know the distances between their homes, or whether she ever goes to a cafe or shopping centre, or whether she could ever travel to the OP’s house.

And even if it were, is the OP not supposed to draw boundaries because it might be inconvenient? Aren’t we constantly telling women that we don’t have to tolerate other people’s bad behaviour? That we’re not door mats and we don’t have to shut up and take crap? That being a people pleaser is unhealthy?

This whole thing sounds like an absolute shit show. Op they all definitely disrespected your boundaries so I don’t think you are being unreasonable
The funeral comment is had to judge on as no one was there, but the present msg is ridiculously rude and I can understand why you are done with her. She sounds like a manipulative bully.

Have Christmas with your family at home,
But maybe have a conversation with your Mother again and spend time with her on Boxing Day. She’s always going to be in the middle of this.

Hey I don’t think it’s unreasonable. I get it. My sister ignores my kids when she sees them. And she acts like a complete narcissist. I don’t allow my kids to go to their grandmas (things to do with her but also I don’t want them being with my sister). Mainly because I find she upsets my kids by ignoring them. You are totally right to do what you feel is right for you. Maybe just say you need some space. Write down what your boundaries would look like for the future and if you still agree with them in the new year send them over.

So your sister had a good relationship with your children despite the funeral issue and you've spoiled that because you don't have a good relationship with her? Jealous much?

Nice and simple - send a card to your parents saying "we all hope you have a lovely Christmas and perhaps we can see you some time in the new year." And that's it.

No, she says she can’t because she’s going to see the OP, but she can see her when she gets back, or on another day. Not taking sides means making the effort to see both daughters. If the sister feels hurt that the mum isn’t free to come running everytime she clicks her fingers, then that’s a whole other can of worms.

But if her mum had done as asked, then she's being complicit in keeping the aunt and her nieces/nephews apart, and her mum might not have wanted to take part in that.

That's not a happy medium, it's a regime which involves travel, expense, a venue etc. It's a pain in the arse.

DSis is free on that day and wants to see her mum. Mum says she can't because OP says so.

That's rejection, and it's going to hurt.

If one of my daughters said that I couldn't have the other one visit in my own home I'd not be impressed. And I certainly wouldn't want to be put in the position of telling the other daughter that.

Then the sister says: “ok I’ll see you Friday”.

DM is neutral and is not on anyone’s side. OP has requested she doesn’t have DS over on the occasions she has the kids, so she sees DS at another time.

Your sister was snappy and rude at the funeral. People sometimes do behave obtuseness around funerals, but never should a child be humiliated or scolded like that. And her attitude towards the Christmas gifts was spiteful.

Life is long, and you are kind of painting yourself into a corner with your parents. Spend Christmas at home by all means but take this as a temporary flux in the relationship, and don’t cut off your parents. I completely get the reaction to protect your children (your sister minding them unbeknownst to you would have seriously rattled me.) But don’t be the one to go nuclear. Give it time.

The children are now 11/12-14/15 and their nanny invites their aunt that they do not like over so I doubt they'll be running off to live with her at all.

I don't agree. Children are for parents to bring up in the way they see fit. Unless the parents are abusive/neglectful, which I am not getting the OP is.