I don't want my sister to see my children

What about the message to OP from her sister on Boxing Day telling her that her gift was crap and that her daughter ruined the funeral? That's more than being 'mildly snippy' at a funeral. I also wouldn't call shouting at a crying child being 'mildy snippy'.

People often behave irrationally at funerals - while her comments weren't pleasant they're not really something I would take to heart either.

I think you've taken a couple of childish comments and blown them massively out of proportion and caused a lot of upset. Your poor mum.

It was OP's grandfather's funeral, not her father's. OP doesn't mention her dad, so we don't know what the situation is, whether her father is still alive and whether her parents are still together.

😂

Would you be devastated if one of your children shouted at one of your grandchildren for crying at a funeral and said that this child has 'ruined' the funeral?

OP wants to keep her children away from her sister, which is her right. How is she supposed to do this if her mum will always invite OP's sister when OP's children are visiting their grandparents?

I like you

So your sister bought your two dc nice gifts and you couldn't stretch to a nice bottle of baileys for £13? Homemade gifts are abit naff when given to adults.

You then try to dictate who your own mother can have in her own home.

Children at funerals aren't always appropriate she might have felt it sad too much she was also grieving at the time.

This is all you withholding grudges and causing issues with the family.

If they didn't know him, it's odd that they'd be there isn't it? However funerals are very odd, some people want to feel sad, some people want to celebrate the life of the person.

I feel a bit sad for your kids who think that nanny changed. Nanny didn't change, you did! You told her that the children wouldn't be going there anymore, it isn't that nanny doesn't want them there.

I'm assuming there's a huge history with your sister because IMO whilst the funeral comment was unpleasant I think a lot of people would be disturbed by a young child sobbing loudly at a funeral. In fact, I've never come across anyone sobbing loudly at a funeral and would be uncomfortable if I did! Although, I'm willing to accept that could be a me-problem and I wouldn't have complained.

Has your sister ever done anything nasty/dangerous/abusive towards your children to warrant her not being in their lives? Did the children previously have a good relationship with her? I suppose I'm struggling to see why the children have been banned from a relationship with her, which has impacted their relationship with their nanny, because you have a difficult relationship with her.

It would be a shame for the kids to grow up thinking the aunt and nanny turned their backs on them/rejected them, when really it was your decision.

All that said, I wouldn't go over for Christmas until the tensions are settled x

Does your sister actually like your children? From the way she behaved at the funeral and afterwards, it sounds like she doesn't. If that's the case, why did she keep trying to contact them?

If your kids don't want to go to your Mum's on Christmas Day, don't go. Does your mum always take your sister's side?

At my father's funeral, my brother's step daughters (in their teens) were in the row behind us, and loudly sobbed and sniffed, snottily, despite barely knowing him. I just wanted to tell them to leave, as it was all we could hear and we wanted to focus on our respectful and loving goodbye.

Yes, it did ruin the funeral for me, and it felt performative rather than genuine. I've never forgotten it.

In the nine year olds case, I'd have taken her out for her own sake if she was that distressed at her great grandfather's funeral.

Both you and your sister need to grow up. Stop reverting to children. Which one of you is going to be the adult? Both of you are trying to get people onto your sides.

Attention seeking? What the actual fuck.

English people are so weird about emotions. Crying loudly and being upset is perfectly appropriate at a funeral - I can't think of a more appropriate place!

Your mother can have her own daughter in the house if she chooses? I think YABU and a loud sobbing child at a funeral would irk me a bit too and I'd probably think a bit attention seeking especially considering she must have barely known your grandfather and you and your sister would have had the longer closer relationship with him

Your sister and mother created this situation.
Your children do not want to go, and neither do you.
Stay home and enjoy the peace.
Your sister sounds unhinged.

Your sister doesn’t sound like a nice person at all but you are cutting your nose off to spite your face here. You can keep contact to a minimum with your sister but so what if she happens to be there at certain times when you are also there - just speak to other family members and keep communication with her to a minimum but civilised. Your children are also old enough to make their own decision about whether they want to see their aunt or not.

For me it's the way that the sister kept harassing these girls by phone, even using another phone after they had presumably blocked or stopped answering the first number. That's not the behaviour of a healthy, functional adult and I wouldn't want someone like that looking after my kids.

It's a shame that they can't still have a relationship with their grandmother though.

You should have removed a loudly sobbing 9 year old from a funeral . Not good for the 9 year old or anyone else who is grieving . Shame that you needed telling
but
The Christmas present thing was grabby. Perhaps you should have given your sister a heads up so she didn’t spend much either.

I think you have over-reacted in the first instance and your mum is trapped in the middle. Stay at homE for Christmas .

OP, you've cut off your nose to spite your face. You should apologise to your Mum and make up - it's Christmas!

Eh? People cry at funerals! They don't leave, you goon!

OP, your sister was unwise to have made the funeral comment and the gift comment. It was hurtful to you and totally unnecessary and it seems you are still smarting from those comments, still taking offence.

Your mum has brought you both up for the last 40 years and cared for you, - loved and cared for your children too in the same way. Her two daughters and her grandchildren must mean the world to her. I’m sure she was hoping that your offence at your sister for those two hurtful comments would eventually blow over and things would get back to normal.
Instead, you punished your mum for allowing your sister to visit and look after the children without your permission. It wasn’t wrong of your mum to allow her other daughter to visit but I feel it was wrong of her to go out and leave her in charge against your specific wishes. It wasn’t so much a safe guarding issue as a deceit issue and I understand your concerns in always needing to know who is caring for your children.
But now you find yourself with this situation where you feel awkward about visiting your parents at Christmas.

I do think you could have simply had a stern word with your mum about going against your wishes instead of never allowing the children at her house again. No wonder the children were upset. I think your mum didn’t change at all. It was you who changed the circumstances under which she could see the children and, just as you took offence at her breaking the rules you had imposed on her, she took offence at being thought not good enough for you all to visit her home. It has all escalated out of control now to the point where you imagine what’s being said about you and you are troubled by it all. I’m sure your mum is troubled by it too.

I think it’s very sad to continue this stand-off with your mum whereby you can only meet outside her home, after all these years of the care she has given you all.
It obviously troubles you so I can only guess that deep down, you wish things were different and that you all still had a normal happy and care-free relationship -with your parents at least. Could you forgive her and move past it now do you think ?

If you feel this grudge has gone on long enough, then you need to de-escalate and make the move to remove the restrictions you placed on allowing your mum to see her grandchildren in her own home. You could all visit at Christmas and if your sister is there too, be ready to be civil, calm and pleasant but not take any more nonsense from her. Rising above it all in this way is the way forward if you want to visit your parents again and have a normal relationship.

Or you could try to forget about them all, -continue to hold a grudge and enforce the restrictions on your parents, and refuse to go to visit them at Christmas as expected.
I think though, that this option will hurt you even more in the long run.
Only you know how you feel about it now. Don’t let pride get in the way OP.
All the best!

You chose the nuclear option in responding to your sister’s (entirely unreasonable) behaviour. It was disproportionate and it’s blown up. It all seems pretty predictable.

What did you expect to happen? Did you really think your mum would ban your sister from her house when your DDs went to stay? Depriving herself of both the companionship of one of her daughters and an extra pair of hands when she’s caring for and entertaining two young children? Did you not understand that if people took you at your word it would create a huge rift? Not just moaning and annoyance but difficulty in keeping in touch, a real deterioration in relationships, especially for your mum?

Agree with this 100%!!