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Original poster

My partners separate life

41 replies

Whatwouldyoudodo · 16/11/2024 20:49

Together 20 years. 4 kids.

My partner tells me he's going to his friends baby shower. He hasn't invited me. In fact, he has never invited me to any events with his friends.

I used to just get on with it, now after 20 years I'm feeling angry.

I felt like I wasn't convenient as we had babies young, it suited my partner to have a woman at home and he would go about his social life without me. My social life dwindled (4 kids does that!) his social life stayed the same.

I have started to rebuild a bit of a life for myself and I'm happy. But this pisses me off. It constantly picks at the I'm not good enough/ not wanted wound.

AIBU

OP posts:
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Wordau · 17/11/2024 00:59

Mirabai · 16/11/2024 23:02

I don’t understand why you would stay for 20 years and have 4 kids with a man who socialises without you.

DH and I socialise without each other 95% of the time, it's only a problem if someone is not being treated fairly eg not getting a chance to go out.

BruceAndNosh · 17/11/2024 00:56

Whatwouldyoudodo · 16/11/2024 21:22

Yes we are in a relationship

I'm not sure you actually are in a relationship

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 17/11/2024 00:55

I might be old fashioned but since when have men gone to baby showers??

Pinkissmart · 17/11/2024 00:54

OP, my ex used to do this. I also didn’t push things because he was younger that I am and I felt guilty that we had kids when he was so young.

Then once when I did get together with everyone, there was a woman there who he was clearly, clearly trying to impress. She wanted nothing to do with him, but still.

BobbyBiscuits · 17/11/2024 00:53

He's made you feel guilty for trapping him by getting pregnant? What, trapped four times over? The guy is an arse. Why would a man with a wife go to a 'baby shower' alone? Sorry that in itself sounds bizarre.
I don't like the sound of him at all.
Are you happy being with him?

Pinkissmart · 17/11/2024 00:52

DaftyLass · 16/11/2024 21:26

So there have been chances to integrate the friendships, but you haven't wanted too.

You can't set your house on fire and complain it got covered in soot

What are you talking about🤣🤣

ImNunTheWiser · 17/11/2024 00:48

I felt bad for trapping him with our baby

Sounds like you’re the one who got trapped.
Do what PP said, build
your life and then see if he fits in it anymore. Willing to bet that he won’t.

Mirabai · 17/11/2024 00:33

Neveranynamesleft · 16/11/2024 23:36

Never mind a 5 year plan...it needs to be a right now plan.
Please ask yourself just what exactly you get out of this relationship with a very selfish person.

Edited

This,

Mirabai · 17/11/2024 00:33

Whatwouldyoudodo · 16/11/2024 22:46

Actually no, a couple years ago I would have freaked out at the prospect of our relationship ending but now, I am feeling strong. I have what I'm calling a 5 year plan. I am restarting my career, losing weight, developing friendships etc. If it were to end I want to be in a good place for myself and my kids and that will take time.

And that doesn't mean I don't want to work it out with him... But I am unwilling to continue to live in the background of my own life.

But you will be living in the background of your DH’s life for the next 5 years unless you change it now.

Neveranynamesleft · 16/11/2024 23:36

Never mind a 5 year plan...it needs to be a right now plan.
Please ask yourself just what exactly you get out of this relationship with a very selfish person.

itsmylife7 · 16/11/2024 23:30

Your 5 year plan sounds very positive OP.

EdgarAllenRaven · 16/11/2024 23:13

I think you just need to sit him down and really impress upon him how this makes you feel.
He can totally have some evenings with his friends, but you would love to get to know their partners, and attend the bigger events like baby showers.
Invite yourself along, be friendly and charming, and get to know them. It’s not too late.

You also need to develop your own social life and your own friendships, they are so important.

GentleFlower · 16/11/2024 23:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 16/11/2024 23:06

You trapped him with 4 babies?

Mirabai · 16/11/2024 23:02

I don’t understand why you would stay for 20 years and have 4 kids with a man who socialises without you.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudodo · 16/11/2024 22:53

potatocakesinprogress · 16/11/2024 22:48

A man wanting to go to a baby shower, especially without his partner, is just plain weird. I'd have to drag mine kicking and screaming.

And I have made plans with a friend so I won't feel left, I will be able to enjoy a kid free day out and leave them to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldyoudodo · 16/11/2024 22:50

potatocakesinprogress · 16/11/2024 22:48

A man wanting to go to a baby shower, especially without his partner, is just plain weird. I'd have to drag mine kicking and screaming.

I agree...!

OP posts:
potatocakesinprogress · 16/11/2024 22:48

A man wanting to go to a baby shower, especially without his partner, is just plain weird. I'd have to drag mine kicking and screaming.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudodo · 16/11/2024 22:46

Actually no, a couple years ago I would have freaked out at the prospect of our relationship ending but now, I am feeling strong. I have what I'm calling a 5 year plan. I am restarting my career, losing weight, developing friendships etc. If it were to end I want to be in a good place for myself and my kids and that will take time.

And that doesn't mean I don't want to work it out with him... But I am unwilling to continue to live in the background of my own life.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 16/11/2024 22:41

pinkyredrose · 16/11/2024 22:22

How did you trap him? How about the other 3 kids, were they a trap too or did he want them?

If he felt trapped by one child why did you have three more?

GiddyRobin · 16/11/2024 22:36

This is really sad, OP. I can't imagine living like this, I'm not surprised you're hurt. Obviously it's fine to do things separately but not to this extent. You don't even know who he is outside of your family, and he doesn't know who you are.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him properly. That is, if you're happy enough in other ways to stay. I feel I can assume he doesn't necessarily pull his weight? Or he hasn't, at any rate, if he's off living the high life while you're at home bringing up the kids.

Do you want to stay? If so, why? What's good about this relationship?

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudodo · 16/11/2024 22:32

They all seem to be partnered up now. And I think the girlfriends to hang out to an extent.

OP posts:
EdgarAllenRaven · 16/11/2024 22:31

I wonder if his friends have long term wives/partners and do they all know each other?
Is it just you that gets left out, or is it a boys only thing?

Original poster
Whatwouldyoudodo · 16/11/2024 22:31

Early twenties. I know I didn't trap him really but my younger wounded self felt guilty as he did not want a child. He did a massive u turn, but it was always on my mind. I knocked the party lifestyle on the head. He didn't. His friends were not wanting to hang out with a family I imagine and now they are the ones having kids, and he's going to their baby showers, I can't help but feel a little miffed.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 16/11/2024 22:27

Why have you put up with this shit for 20 years!!! I wouldnt put up with it for 5 minutes.
Leave and live your own life before its too late for you.id have blown my stack long before now.

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