To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

It might be better for the parents but it usually takes its toll on the kids being ferried backwards and forwards, particularly in a 50:50 split. I’m a huge advocate for nobody staying in an unhappy marriage but it is naive to think that the kids will not suffer because of this. Yes it’s lovely to have a weekend off or even half the week off but what does that look like for the children? Also as kids get older they need less of your time so you’d naturally get it back anyway.

I know you say he won't listen, but you need to explain to your husband how close you are to pulling the plug.

If he would commit to even one morning of childcare a weekend (taking the kids outside the house!) and this is enough to keep your family together, then this sounds like the best solution for everyone (unless of course there's a massive drip feed here, and he's a total dickhead in many other ways!)

I hear your frustration OP and have often wondered the same thing. The every other weekend arrangement would be lovely wouldn't it! And a child free summer holiday maybe. But people forget to mention you would be dealing with the fallout from a separation in terms of the children. It can be devastating for them and that can lead to difficult behaviours. So while you have a break from the kids, the time you have with them can be significantly worse. I find MN downplays the emotional impact of separation. Yes of course it is the right thing sometimes when it's a lesser of two evils scenario.

Book a few days for yourself, a weekend away somewhere and let DH struggle alone. Maybe point out that he would be doing that alone a lot more if you separated and the best way to prevent that is by doing a bit more now. Outsource, start hiring a cleaner or send laundry out even if you can't afford it. Explain that it's become priority because you are doing too much. He needs to step up but I think words aren't enough, you need to show him in other ways how it's become an issue that isn't going to go away.

I remember feeling this way when my first DC was little. I had him very young and made good friends with another really young mum. She was a single parent and her ex had their lg something like every other weekend Friday morning- Sunday night plus Wednesday night every week. My partner worked constantly and I was always on my own. I was jealous that she still got to enjoy lay-ins, trips out to places, nights out with friends or just general recharge and relaxation during her ‘off’ time.

That said now my kids are older I can’t imagine having to navigate pre-teens/teens as a single mum. Or just being a single parent in general, my perspective has shifted a lot.

I could have written your post except I have two kids who were young teens when we split & their Dad's new gf doesn't have kids.

We have worked hard to be amicable and it is bloody hard to do, especially with a man who behaved a lot like your DH, OP, but who became the clichéd Disney Dad when he only had to show up occasionally.

Despite us being amicable, my kids have struggled with it and still do.
Never under estimate what it is like for kids.

As someone who is separated I actually find this a bit offensive.

my son goes to Saturday one week and the next week Saturday- Sunday. He spends half of Christmas Day with his dad and I hate it.

i don't want my son to miss out on days out, time with his sisters, so have to wave him off on Christmas Day.

we don't have the best of both worlds, it's pretty shit actually

My exh didn't co parent, he had them for 6 hours a week and often left them with his parents so he could continue his party lifestyle.

I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you didn't meant to be goady.

Actually, it's very difficult, and my DD was a teen when Ex and I separated, so we were past the difficult baby/toddler/small child stage. She was old enough to make her own way to and from school at that point, so I didn't have to consider dropping her off at childcare or school, and picking her up again. I only have one child so I appreciate that's considerably easier than two, three or four children.

But it's still really difficult. There are financial considerations. Ex seems to be very rare in that he pays a decent amount of child maintenance. But my mortgage and all of my bills have to come out of one salary. I am paying a lump sum to Ex, in exchange for him transferring his share of our home to me. So I also have loan repayments to make each month. Right now, I'm also saving for university fees (I'm in Ireland and student loans are less common here).

The separation was very tough on my DD. She has had to adjust to her parents living in separate homes and seeing them at separate times. Family times like Christmas/New Year's/Easter/her birthday are carved up into Mam time and Dad time. It's easy to say that you get one day of rest (without the children) at weekends, but what if that day is Christmas Day or Easter Sunday or your birthday?

DD's Dad has a new partner and the partner has DC of her own. So DD has had to adjust to a ready made family - one she didn't choose. She has the hassle of packing bags when going to her Dad's house and re-packing them to come home. There's the inconvenience and stress when she's missing something because she left it at her Dad's house (or vice versa).

I'm glad that my Ex chose to stay in DD's life and maintain his relationship with her. But DD is a lot closer to me and if she's upset or having meltdowns about something, she saves them for me. There were a few of those in the immediate aftermath of the separation and a few more further down the line (years later), as DD reached adulthood and started to process it all. Please don't under-estimate the emotional toll of separation and divorce on children. I have arranged and paid for counselling sessions for DD, to help with this. I've had a lot of stress and worry and guilt about the impact of the separation on DD - not just now, but how it will impact her in the future.

There are practical considerations too. Everything to do with the house and garden falls to me. All housework, all gardening, all maintenance, all purchasing decisions. If I have to get a workman in to do a job, I have to take the time off work to let them in and liaise with them. There's nobody to share any of this with.

Loneliness can be difficult to contend with. Loneliness in the sense of not having a partner/husband. And loneliness when DD is with her Dad. Sometimes it feels like the world is full of happy families. I could, of course, consider dating. But what impact would that have on DD? How would she feel if I moved another man into her home?

I tend to agree @adventurebay. I have got two lots of friends who have split with their first partner, got together with somebody else who also has kids and they have worked out a rota where they have each set of kids separately, together and with a weekend off.

Having said that I also have friends who's kids spend lots of time with grandparents for sleepovers or in school holidays which our kids never do, so they also get tome alone, sometimes for a week at a time. This is something we don't get for different reasons and it's pretty relentless.

In your situation @Adventurebayholiday, yes you would have it easier if you separated. As long as he stepped up and actually had contact with the dc.

The reason why you would be better off is because you are not in a partnership. You are carrying him on top of doing your fair share.

He will not magically change whether you stay in the marriage or not. If you split, you could still end up doing everything on your own. But at least it will be on your own terms.

Either way, the long term prospects are not great.

Then do it.

You’ll be flamed, but I get where you’re coming from, and do agree that in some situations, it works well.

I know someone who split up with her boyfriend as she realised that she loved her child free time and didn’t want to give it up ( he had his kids full time; she has hers 50:50.) A mutual friend found it baffling as she found it intolerable when her own son went to his dads for EOW. We are all different.

I suppose it also would depend how you felt about him maybe getting a new partner and leaving childcare to her. Or gradually doing less and less.

It seems to happen a lot.

I do actually know how you feel as I have occasionally had this thought about single parent friends, but there are so many other downsides for them like the financial responsibility and the new partners; clothes and possessions going forwards and back/not being returned and seems pretty rare for dads (separated or not) to bother with uniform, shoes, school comms, doctor, dentist, optician, birthdays, parties etc etc.

And don't get me started on SEN admin. Hopefully irrelevant to you.

I'm obviously not debating hether it's better for parents who don't love each other to separate BTW, it certainly is, both for the kids and the adults. However it often doesn't split fairly.

If the ex is a semi decent guy and maintains the relationship with his kids, in theory yes. Sadly a majority of men simply don't and refuse to pay the correct maintenance, which is why so many single parent families live in poverty.

I guess in some cases that could be true, But I have to say a lot of kids don't come out a divorce or separation very well. Do you think your kids are mature? In any case a lot of kids really suffer when their parents split, although of course where there is abuse it's something that you've definitely got to escape.

I'm not saying that at all!
I think the OP needs to speak to her DH and expect him to shape up and do more.
If he doesn't that will no doubt affect how she feels about him, it will affect their relationship and a split might be the right thing

I'm just saying that a split is huge and horrible and upsetting for kids, so it needs to be thought through carefully & it's worth trying to change things first.

My parents split when I was a toddler... my mam did everything alone. It was just me and her. My father had visitation etc... but never showed up.

As someone with a husband I do far less than my mam had to handle alone which is frankly a godsend because I don't think I could hold it all together the way my mam did. She was the epitome of a strong independent never ask for help or complain woman and I would probably fall way short of what she did.

I think you're probably right but I must admit this point of view upsets me.

It's essentially saying that things will get better eventually and everything will be water under the bridge so no need to hold men to account for their shitty self-serving behaviour when life was tough.

Actually, they should be held to account. Inadequate men who haven't pulled their weight should be put in the stocks and pelted with with mud pies as a warning to the others.

I get what you’re saying, in an ideal world you’d stay together and you’d still get a break from the kids when you need it but your DH isn’t stepping up despite being asked so you’re thinking if we split he’d have to take the kids and I would get that alone time. Your DH has caused this level of desperation & I think you should be really honest that you’re at this point.