To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

The thing is though, is a couple of nights perfect when that is Friday-Sunday? So you get to do all the hard bits of parenting, the homework, packed lunches, uniforms, strict bed time and morning routines, drop offs and pick ups, and then you don’t get any of the nice fun bits on a weekend?

If your husband genuinely doesn’t even watch the children for an hour on an evening so you can relax or go exercise or just sit and read a book in peace then I honestly don’t know why you’re with him, or why you allow that. It’s really simple- just leave the house. He’s their dad, he’s home, pack some snacks and just go, even if it’s to sit in a coffee shop for an hour and read a book. Take time for yourself.

I think it's swings and roundabouts really, but I'd say the negatives massively outweigh the positives.
If you're lucky enough to have a decent person to co parent with, who isn't a controlling knob and doesn't see the impact their behaviour has on their children then great! Unfortunately for me, I was controlled for many many years and it took a long time for DS to be able to voice his opinion. In the meantime his "darling dad" dictated and was a nasty piece of work, because it was his right apparently .

On the upside, I have friends who have been really fortunate with their Exes and it's worked out brilliantly

You're being incredibly short sighted (and a martyr) in thinking that your children aren't picking up on the sniping and general disinterest between you both and from your husband.

Model better behaviour for them - and that isn't by wistfully staring at single mums who might get every other weekend to themselves but doing nothing pragmatic.

He won't engage and talk to you after multiple attempts? Then why are you there? He doesn't give one shit. He won't leave, why would he? You do everything. He's doing a-ok.

We are all different I would happily do 50/50 week on week off. Didn’t have kids to raise them alone.. each to their own though

I get what you're saying, when the kids were little (teens now) we joked that we should split up until they're older so we could get a break then get back together, but then realised we like the break to be together. It's similar to a time when I sometimes wished I'd broken my leg or something so I would have to spend time sitting around doing nothing.

Having since done that, it was not as fun (not on purpose, and when the kids were old enough to make me cups of tea and bring me gin/wine so it could have been a lot worse), I fear the splitting up thing would probably have been a similar anti-climax. 😅

Same for me - I do everything completely alone and while yes its tough going and there's no break I also would have been devastated to be away from ds half the week. Never mind all the difficulties that go hand in hand with trying to Co parent through a divorce and post separation or when new partners come into play and you've no control over what happens to your children half the time. My advice would be to book a babysitter if you need to so you can have some down time. If your dh isn't pulling his weight then you need to tell him that you want marriage counselling to sort this because you're burnt out, have nothing left to give and you are on the verge of leaving so either he starts to help and take responsibility or he'll be doing it himself without you there half the week.

How old are your children op?

You are underestimating the relentlessness of parenting alone. Your husband might be useless but he's still another adult in the building. This means you can pop to the shop when you run out of something, go out for a walk at the weekend without planning childcare, and have someone to look after children while you go to medical appointments. All of that goes when you are alone.

The financial strain is also huge. Every single bill you are now responsible for.

It is more intense parenting on your own. But yes, I found the time off was a boon. Knowing I was always close to a weekend by myself was something I made sure to appreciate.

It didn’t happen to me as I said in my post. But it’s the reality for a lot of people. Dealing with heartbreak and trying to parent is the worst.

I don’t envy single parents, I have a couple of friends who are in the situation you describe and they really find it hard to have 2 or more days/nights every week away from their child, they find it hard financially having to run a whole household on one income, there’s also the fact that yes they get a day “off” every week but they have absolutely no help the rest of the days. There’s no other parent to get up with the kids and get them sorted when mum is unwell and really just needs more time in bed, or to do dinner/bath/bed when they are unwell so they can just go to bed early and get that extra sleep, there’s no other parent to step in on an evening so they can go to the gym or for a run or to any kind of club to get some time for themselves, there’s no other parent to step in on an evening so mum can have a bath and just relax after a long day at work, and they have no other parent to discuss the good & bad with at home.

I did know a guy who loved this set up. Every weekend he got to party with his new girlfriend.
Most parents dislike it though as you miss a lot :(

Parents that manage the house and children 50:50 in a committed and loving relationship have the best of both worlds.
But yes, in the situation you describe, you would most likely be better off as a single parent

I get it but like anything, the grass is not really greener, just different. You wouldn’t have any updates on the kids or photos of the fun stuff they did on dad’s time. Finances would be much tighter. Arguments over contact time and favours. The big one for me would actually being the realisation that I was stuck in one place forever (or until they turn 18) as your ex isn’t going to give a shit that you’ve got an amazing job opportunity elsewhere. Other people taking a parenting role with your kids. Christmas’s and birthdays shared. Never getting gifts for your birthday or Mother’s Day because your ex doesn’t take them shopping. I could go on!

I mean, when you’re still in love with your partner and the relationship didn’t work out and you’re heartbroken (and this didn’t happen to me because I was done) but no … I don’t think you’re having the best of both worlds because your relationship with the person you love has broken down. Then you have to cope with them meeting someone else, your children spending time with them with the someone else, the not seeing your children for special occasions or missing out our on things because it’s not your allocated time, not being able to do everything you’d like with your children because it’s not doable on your own etc - Thera more to it than having time off.

The thing is if you have the type of husband that would step up and properly parent if you separated, there's a strong chance he already is now or could be persuaded so you probably wouldn't be thinking thst way.

Financially there will be two households to pay for instead of one. And he may still not step up, either contact dropping off or him doing terrible job like feeding them junk, not washing thier clothes and not doing homework but they then see him as amazing as he only does fun stuff. Plus awkward christmas and birthdays
However you might still be happier seperated but not easier.

I remember being desperate for a break like that, but I also know that the reality would have been that I would have hated it.

You are a bit infuriating to be honest.
I'm off.

Op I think you need to collect your thoughts again- this just all seems odd and insulting to so many people!!

I agree with you there, MN definitely down plays the impact of separation.