To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

OP it sounds like the only benefit you are interested in is having some childfree time? So can’t you get that another way, eg by having more childcare? Are your finances joint? If DH won’t pull his weight with the kids I bloody hope he is with finances and you have full access to his money? Otherwise he really is a deadweight!

I get what you’re saying, I do get time to myself now - but it’s only now I have it I realise I don’t want it. I miss my children desperately when they’re with their father and I don’t think he takes care of them that well (not in terms of safeguarding but stuff like feeds them sugar constantly, leaves them on ipads all day).

Whatever the positives may be, I will never ever get over us not being a nuclear family again. I miss being in a relationship but although there’s billions of men on the planet, no one else will ever be their father and love them the way a father does and it just will never be the same.

my husband was fucking lazy and I did everything (he added to my work is anything by being so damn messy himself), but I would give anything for him not to have had affair and to have my family back. I will never get over it and nothing will ever make up for it.

I remember thinking this when the dcs were younger, op. Tbf I was looking at friends who had gone on to meet new partners and maintain civilised relationships with their exes, thus had support while on duty and time to themselves when not. I agree it feels like a hard slog when the kids are young and the thought of having 50% of time off was pretty appealing back then. It’s been a different case for my sister however, whose ex lives in another country to her and so she’s had to do most of it on her own.

My advice - go to bed and snore. Really loudly . IME kids don't like it!!
Or just chuck them in with you and all have a lovely nights sleep

Also buy a huge dog ( Mal or Dutchie) Once they are bonded with your children, drive round to ex's . Say "kids are here for a visit" . Keep dog on leash ( they are actually total sweethearts) but fluffy Dutchies like mine look like a wolf. Seriously your ex will agree very quickly. Hugely protective of children too.
Mine once jumped straight through a window screen, because my DS was patting our new pony! He's also "rescued " people from the pool a number of times ( close the gate people!)
I hope your DH is paying maintenance!!

Easier than being married to a lazy sod who doesn’t give a toss about you? Yeah I guess so… but easier in general? No.

Not being with the parent of your child often means you don’t have that shared “aren’t they the most wonderful humans ever”? Moments or someone to share your concerns with… my husband loves the very bones of my older two kids and would call them “his” but I know that how we parent them differs from how we parent our younger two together… and I sometimes miss the ability to speak to my exH about “our kids” even though he’s a wanker…

In a healthy relationship you should be able to carve out time alone anyway- and then also have time together.

You're making it sound like a.mini break. In my experience, no I didn't have the best of both worlds.

An equal and balanced relationship where both parents are actively involved in running the household and raising the children is the best of both worlds.

You have another adult in the house. You have someone to share the burden. Let’s if people with feckless husbands say glibly “oh it’s like I’m a single parent” but it is not the same. Some particular examples from when mine were tiny:
-DC1 running a severe temperature and realising you’ve run out of calpol in the middle of the night. Faced with the choice of either calling round friends and waking them up or dragging a poorly child and sleeping toddler to the all night pharmacy.
-On a different occasion having to take both children to A&E and sit waiting for hours when one has a suspected broken ankle. No food, every time you need the loo all three of you have to traipse there together.
-Getting home, doing dinner, bath, bedtime, coming downstairs to be faced with the washing up and general evening chaos that YOU have to do because there is no one else.
-being faced with eviction because your landlord wants to sell, and being sneered at by agencies because your one person salary is not enough apparently to rent a shoe box.
-spending the one weekend ‘off’ a fortnight doing all the housework you’ve not been able to do, desperately missing your kids and also spending evenings alone because everyone else is with their family.

I could go on and on. Obviously it is a lot better than being married to a dick though, but it is not “easy”.

Gosh I've never envied this. I could not cope with only having my kids 50/50, my heart would break.

But the thing is you could take time for yourself, even if just to go sit in the car round the corner and scroll for an hour.

If you think he’s the kind of man who would step up and do 2 nights a week and you’d be perfectly happy for him to do that then he is capable of looking after his kids in the house for an hour on an evening. All you have to do is pick your evening and walk out the door, come back in an hour. Or run yourself a bath, tell him you’re off there for an hour, lock the door and enjoy. If he’s a dad you’d be happy to look after your kids for 2 days alone then he can manage an hour.

Yes, but the thought of not having my children with me 50% of the times makes me sick to my stomach. Not something I’d enjoy, even though I’m bloody exhausted and would love a break!

If you choose to marry a bone idle husband you pay the price. Ditch him

Leaving him isn’t something you should do on a whim but if he isn’t pulling his weight and doesn’t realise the impact this is having on you; if you cannot communicate and find a way forward; if you are making threads on MN saying you wish you were a single parent - then it probably is time to seriously re-evaluate.

Your children are clearly not getting the best of you now. And you aren’t getting joy from them. Staying together for the kids is not always the better option. You seem resigned to this miserable existence - do not drop anchor here.

And his laziness wouldn’t affect me in the same way. If he’s got the children and he doesn’t remind them to go to the toilet and they wet themselves then he has to sort that. It’s his house, his laundry, his wet child. It he doesn’t give them a reasonably healthy day food wise and then they are waking up at night hungry and wired that affects him, not me.

But you don't want your children wet and hungry.

I'm a seperated parent with older kids who don't see their dad but my life is still a million times easier than when I was living with their dad. Resentment uses up a lot of energy and headspace and it will only get worse for you. Your kids are still very young by the sounds of it, if I were you I would separate as soon as possible as it will do less damage to them. Life is too short to stick it out for 15-20 years just in case the kids don't like having separated parents. A lot of kids are also pretty much unaffected by it and for some their lives improve once the parents separate. It's you and kids now anyway, their dad seems to just be some figure who is around sometimes but doesn't contribute in any noticable way for the kids.

Are you telling me you can't pop to a shop without your children? Or after they're in bed?

Honestly, that's atrocious.

How do you live with someone who shows absolutely no regard for your wellbeing? Who cares so little about you being happy, or offering any support whatsoever?

I genuinely don't think I could even still like my DH in those circumstances; and I'd be so worried about what I was teaching my children about what to expect and tolerate in a relationship, and how to be a parent.

Since being single with 2 young dc my life simplified overlight. And the stress vanished. And I became happy again. The dc accepted the situation... to be honest its pretty normal nowadays. The ex dh muddled through but "his days" were few and far between and usually returned dc unexpectedly and they were hungry and unfed and irritable while he went off out for dinner. That's just my experience. Good luck

My high earning cousin 'gamed the system'.
Worked at sea in the early years, wife did the heavy lifting for his 4 or 6 weeks away
Then he'd tack on 'training' at the start or end of shifts with his mates surfing or biking.
Wife would continue to heavy lifting during his leave, cos she had her routine and he needed a break.
Eventually divorced. Didn't want to stump up maintenance so aimed for 50/50
He'd dump the kids on the grand parents or summer camps meanwhile did lots of holidays with new girlfriend making memories. Ex - wife also went through new boyfriend honeymoon period.
The kids majorly lost out. Everyone was on holiday but them. No discipline at grandparents some stability but quite boring.
Cousin & ex- wife maxed the system for free school meals, benifits, etc even though he's an out of UK high earner no tax.
But they have cycled through several serious partners each, dating then adventure, then honeymoon. The new new partners generally tolerate but not warm to the kids. It's pretty shit.

Maybe it's easier if you both get on well as co-parents, have similar parenting styles, share the children will, share the mental loss well etc.

But often if a man is fully pulling his weight like that, they wouldn't have split anyway, and he'd be happy for you to have time to yourself without having to split.

If he's an arsehole now he'll probably continue to be an arsehole if you split - you'll have no more power to make him contribute then than you do now.

However, I'd rather have an arsehole ex than an arsehole husband.

I know lots of separated couples and it really varies. A few co parent really well with a 50/50 split and some are completely toxic to each other trying to find ways to get at each other through the children. I know several women who parent completely alone and one man.

I agree OP and I speak from being in this position. I split custody with ex 50/50
No financial issues - we earn about the same and split everything
We are on the same page with parenting and we get on really well. We have one, extremely laid back 7 year old who is absolutely no trouble and is a delight,
I am aware of how good I have it and I feel extremely lucky. My situation is rare.

I am divorced, my exH has the kids 4 nights out of 14. I really like it, I get the kids most of the time but then get regular breaks too. We co-parent constructively despite a difficult initial split.

Six years in, I really don't see any detriment to the children. A downside, as noted by others, is the financial burden of running a household alone. I am very happy overall with the situation.