To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

I hear you, and I agree- in the situation you are describing, with all the caveats - other parent takes children reliably even if 1 day a week- then yes you would get a break.

i totally get what you are saying, and that you’re not doing it because, in fact, you are a good mum who cares about her children. Although it did make me sad to read ‘I am the least important one’. Sad and empathy- I feel the same too.

I think neither situation is ideal and I have empathy for you. I know you don’t want to speak to him about it but does he know it’s impacting you so much you are considering leaving him (not that is should take this?)

maybe do a pro’s and con’s list (somewhere he could never find it or delete it straight after). Things that come to mind:

• Pro’s: get a break when the kids are with dad and freedom of some childless times, children don’t grow up seeing mum do everything and that seep into their subconscious with any female children thinking their needs come last or male children thinking their needs always come first, you don’t have to parent another adult child so it takes one person off your list of tasks, you open the path to finding a more fulfilling relationship with an equal partner in life
• risks: you may end up missing your child/ren on the nights off and feel lonely, your children may not be effectively parented whilst in his care if he doesn’t pick up the gap you used to, if he had them one night at weekend he can become the “fun parent” (which can cause resentment when you have to do all the important but thankless parenting with them), if he got a new partner you’d need to consider your children’s relationship with this person who’d be in their life that you have no control or say about, would you have a relationship where you could effectively co-parent (flexible with one another in emergencies, act in childrens best wishes etc), the impact on the kids

For context when everyone says divorce impacts children, it definitely does, but I come from a household where my mum did everything for my dad, he was only ever a passenger in her life and never a partner. She stayed with him for me and it lead to a lot of resentment, I grew up hearing a lot of arguements in the latter years of their marriage and I think that was more detrimental to me than the divorce (I used to pray they wouldn’t get divorced, but ironically I was relieved when they told me they were separating (he cheated on her) and we had a much happier household after he left). I’m not saying this is where you are - but just consider if you feel like this now, could that eventually end up in resentment which could be the catalyst for other behaviours in the future?

Anyway I’ve gone on a tangent but I’d say not easier, different, and whilst some things get easier others get harder. So one to have a real good think about ❤️

Yes, I split from my DH.

However we co-parent really well.
Been up to get a food shop, my nails done massage now sat in bed having lunch and watching Netflix.

Get time to work on my business whilst my 2 year old has time with their dad.

It is bliss. As long as your DH is supportive, pays child support. I am lucky that we have days out to central London for nice lunches, play dates together so our child has us both together.

Best thing I ever did.
Don't have to cook or clean after a man. Just give the world to our child!

Definitely sounds better than your situation, yes. Do it. When you can’t count on another person and they continuously let you down, taking them out of the situation can just make things easier.

But there is no guarantee you will co parent amicably. You read so many threads on here about “perfect” men who leave and no longer see their kids. Men who do everything they can to get out of paying maintenance. What happens once he gets a girlfriend and wants to spend all of his free time with her? What if he moves in with her and she has kids and your DC hate them and refuse to go over? What about when they are teenagers and they don’t want to go to Dad's anymore? Even the best co parenting relationships are skating on a fine line.

I'm not saying don't do it because I would in your situation. You're clearly doing everything as it is and not having a useless husband would be one load off your plate. But please go into it with your eyes wide open. They say you don't really know your husband until you're divorcing him.

Price up the cost of divorce/running two houses Vs part time housekeeper and a weekend away once a month.

Definition of insanity - doing what you’ve always done and expecting a different outcome. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your husband isn’t going to magically change. So what are you going to do about it?!

Stop doing his washing. Stop cooking his food. Stop making life so fucking easy for him.

It's interesting what you say about a hospital stay, I am ashamed to say I had that fantasy for a while only a few years ago. Looking back, I see I was totally overwhelmed by my workload and generally unhappy, probably a bit hormonal too but truly exhausted. I wish I had sought more help at the time, either medically or practically. I know you say you don't want a hotel stay but I think you need a break for your own MH, whatever form that takes. Your DH needs to know how serious this is now. It's no longer about laundry or the dishwasher it's about your marriage and MH.

To be honest I feel like I am lucky. I was fortunate to earn enough money to support myself and kids. Split 50 50 and that gives me plenty of free time to do my own stuff. If you can work it well then separate is quite good in some ways

I know people will say to do it then if it’s that easy and I have thought about it. But it obviously is a massive thing to break up a family and I don’t think it would make the children happy, just me and in many ways I’m the least important one.

You really should just crack on with it if you think it's so wonderful.

You're wrong of course but you can find that out for yourself.

Why on earth are you facilitating his lack of engagement in parenting?

2 night premier inn for you, with whatever you consider entertainment, and let him get on with it. Give no warning and turn your phone off. Let him see how easy he has it.

Negotiate, if you want to, when you return.

That's pretty much the set up I have, and that I see around me in others. If you think your ex would want the kids regularly then I works say do it!

So what does your husband do with the kids? Why doesn't he do anything around the house or any chores related to the kids? What if you are unwell for example and can't get up from the bed?

There are pros and cons. We have 50/50 of my DSD and it works well for work (DH does long work days on her Mum and SDs days and finishes early on our days) and both families have one child free weekend day each week. But someone is always missing her. Either her Mum or her Dad are feeling sad and guilty that she’s missing out at one time or another.

Disagree. Your Dh needs to step up. Dh did stuff when ds's young, now they are older I have lots of time to myself. Saying that I always have, even when they were babies, made time for myself.

Running a household on 2 incomes is hard enough. Only 1 is really hard.

No, you just pay them an extra hour or so
To do the tidying first, it's not that hard.

If I could choose between "practically being a single parent" with a double income, someone on automatic fallback if I become ill etc; and my situation, which is single parent, no fallback, one income, all mental load, all stress on me, then I'd choose the first option 10000000% of the time. I've been variations of both. I had a supportive but duplicitous husband (hence ex). Then I had a useless partner. In both cases it was easier than my reality as a single parent (working full time, own home, two children).

I think the icing on the cake was last November when I was hospitalised and almost died, but the Dr's had to phone social services to make arrangements, because their dad did not offer himself up. I've never felt so vulnerable. Even a useless partner wouldn't have left me in that position.

As for a lie in a week. I don't get it. On the rare occasion I get actual time to myself, I'm too exhausted to do anything because everything is just me the rest of the time.

I really can’t be bothered to read anymore. You’re either goady or a bit thick. But just leave your husband and crack on. Eurgh! 🙄🙄🙄

You’re focusing on the wrong issue. It’s not separated parents that have it ‘easy’. It’s those who are sharing the load fairly with another parent, regardless of whether they are together as a couple or not.

Stop focusing your attention on your friend having lie in once a week and start focusing it on your DH and the fact that you say he should be doing more.

Besides you are completely ignoring the additional financial pressure that being a single parent brings. The fact that it is your income alone that is responsible for paying the mortgage, bills ect. And that if you were to loose your job then you wouldn’t have a second income to fall back on.

My DH was like this, but things have massively improved. I married a man who I later discovered had a mother who was a housewife and waited on her family without expecting them to lift a finger, and despite me working full time, he seemed to then expect the same.

You need to speak to your DH. Our kids are now older (youngest is 8), but my DH now does half the school runs, and is supposed to wash up after meals (I cook as I'm home first). If he doesn't bother then I refuse to cook for him the next day and he can make himself a sandwich.

I'm far more organised than him, and always know what needs doing (he still often puts himself or his dogs first) so I find being very clear with what needs doing and who is doing it helps. e.g. if pack lunches need making, I'll say "kids need pack lunches making. Do you want to make the sandwiches or do the fruit/veg snack?". That way I'm not telling him to do something, I'm saying something needs doing and he can chose which bit he would LIKE to do!

On the one day he finishes earlier, I'll say "these are the meals we have planned for the week, I've done the food shop, which one do you want to cook on X day? I don't mind which ones I cook so you can choose".

There are still times when I find it utterly frustrating where he puts his own needs first before thinking about me and the kids, but in general he is so much better. When the kids were younger I was also at the point of realising that as a single parent my life would be so much easier, but that wouldn't have been best for the kids.

Yep, my sister's dead weight of a husband (decent dad though) left her for someone else and her life is immeasurably better. Free time for chilling, hobbies, dating etc.

TBH, on balance it's shit. But it was never my choice to split up so that colours my opinion.

I miss out on time with my kids.
Christmas is forever tainted and is now a time of year I want out the way and done.I used to love Christmas but now I lose my kids for part of it each year.

Secondary school is a bloody nightmare working out logistics of which sports and PE kit is here or they have left at their dad's. I still carry all the mental load of this because their dad doesn't think about these things, and I don't want my kids to suffer because their dad walked out.

Dating- forget it. There's no time and nobody wants a woman aged 48.
So yes I get a weekday night off each week and every other weekend. But it's shit.
You asked.

But it obviously is a massive thing to break up a family and I don’t think it would make the children happy

Maybe her free time is consumed with thoughts of the massive upheaval she's been through and the fact her child has come out worse for it. She'll also be thinking about paying all the bills on her single salary, being responsible for most of the decisions, doing all the life admin as Mr Two Nights per week likely doesn't bother himself with such frivolities.

The grass is greenest where you water it. Take yourself off for a night in a hotel and leave your useless lump of a husband to look after his children.