To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

I actually agree with you.

I've been in the following positions:

1. Doing it all, useless DH at home but either working or with his mates and having to ask if I wanted so much as to go to the gym
2. Useless DH away for work. Back one weekend in 2. Actually worked much better as I had more "grounds" to put my foot down and get away for some me time on weekends he was here
3. Separation. Had all of every other weekend and one weeknight all to myself. Went to an art class, saw my friends. Used to doing all the kid related admin so that wasn't a burden compared to 1 and 2.

Obviously with an involved partner, parenting is much better. But a fairly amicable separation with a co parenting arrangement? Beats options 1 and 2 hands down.

My husband walked out on me, 2 kids and 2 cats nearly 3 yrs ago for an ow. Totally blindsided me. I have them 100% of the time as he's left his children feeling abandoned and angry/depressed. Be careful what you wish for.

So I'm separated and my ex has the two youngest for 3 nights a week and the elder two 1 night a week.

I spend my 1 day 'off' answering texts and calls from my dc.
Just because they are not with me doesn't stop me being a mum and doing all the 'family admin'.
I miss my dc when they are not with me also.
Oh and the financial burden is all on me so it's not the great deal you think it is.
I would love to have my family all together (if my ex wasn't a cheating asshole 🙄)

Do you still like and respect your husband?
How old are the children?

I totally get what you’re saying, you want a mental break from everything. If you went out for the day and came home to a clean, tidy house with bathed children in bed. That’s the thing. And not having to ask for it. Which is probably what your husband gets all the time.

It does get easier as they get older, but the fact your partner isn’t helping you is sad and would make me question everything.

Yes, I think OP is underestimating how hard she would find having a child returned with a bag of wet clothes and thier skin smelling of dried urine as he doesn't actually sort it properly and do the washing, he just pats the kid dry and shoves the clothes in a going home bag. Or how upsetting getting an over tired child back is, who now rejects your food as dad is better, and how upsetting it is when school say your chikd was sleepy/ agitated after being at ex's. Even though its not your fault.

If he really would step up and do a proper job then it's different and I totally see why it would be a break. I remember feeling so desperate for a few days silence in my nice clean home.

Yeah I tend to agree with you @Adventurebayholiday from my perspective. I co parent 50:50 so yeah I get every second weekend and every Monday and Tuesday night to myself. I works for me. I have my own wage which can support my house. It’s tight though! I am always on top of my housework and when I have my dc I can give them 100% of my attention.
My Job has flexi time so I drop my dc to school on Thursday and Friday mornings and collect them from afterschool on weds, Thurs and every second Friday. I can wfh too so that makes it easier. So yeah for me it works, though I miss them a lot when I’m not with and that sucks.

I missed 50% of my kids growing up because I split from a coercive controlling and abusive husband. Whilst I had freedom when the children were with him, it doesn’t take away the fact I would have preferred to spend my time, as their mother, with them.

@Adventurebayholiday I think the issue here is you are now in a position where you feel you have to defend yourself and you are responding to the people with judgemental responses rather focussing on the people sending you empathy and suggestions. Ignore the others, you don’t need to prove anything to strangers on the internet and you will always get people on mumsnet who will have their own things going on in their life that is colouring the lens in which they read your post and their reaponses. Don’t feed the beast and focus on the helpful posts ❤️

OP, I really feel for you here. Is there anything you can do to get DH to pull his weight a bit more? It just seems relentless if you have to do everything.
Even if it feels like it temporarily impacts the kids, I'd sit him down and say you're not prepared to do every pick up and drop off and so here's his assignment.

And then sit back and do not step in. If he forgets then so be it (unless school obviously).
Or tell him that he's in charge of 2 x family meals and his days are Friday and Tuesday and then just let him solve it. Don't step in and try not to care if it's nuggets and chips every time.
You can't do it all.

If he won't listen he has to feel.

Stop washing, cleaning and cooking for him.

No sex as he doesn't see you as equal so why should you.

My own personal experience was that being divorced was far easier! My ex husband was like a petulant third child wearing me down and creating an atmosphere in the house. Once I didn’t have that anymore I had a much calmer happier household and yes I did get every other weekend “off” which I won’t lie was lovely and gave me the opportunity to really find myself again and do things that I enjoyed

Plenty of people have shared on here in the past that getting out of a bad marriage where the husband was a dead weight is better than having a man child around. So it depends:

Husband who pulls his weight > Single parent

Husband who contributes nothing < Single parent

I remember being desperate to get ill. I loved having the babies because it meant a couple of days (back in those heady times) of being in hospital, being looked after, as opposed to having to do everything while XH got himself up, went to work and then came home to lie on the sofa because he was tired. I had five kids under 7, but I wasn't allowed to be tired. I was expected to do everything (some of it fine as a SAHM, but not EVERYTHING).

In the end we separated. He started off wanting 50/50, but within days he'd moved 250 miles away 'for work' and only saw the kids once a year. Didn't pay anything, kept changing jobs so CMS couldn't catch him.

And it was STILL EASIER. OK, I never got so much as five minutes off, went back to work, still had to do it all alone, but at least I didn't have a lazy bugger thinking he was so much more important than me that I had to cook, clean, care for the kids, organise the house and everything else while he 'went to work'.

So I say separate if you want, but don't have any illusions that he will actually have the kids to help you out. You may well end up with them 100% of the time, in which case you'd need to cope with that.

You have no idea. You think the best way to get a lie in and do a few less loads of washing is to turn your lives upside down?
Even in a ‘good’ co-parenting family it doesn’t work the way you think.

You seem like you’re in a really shitty situation, OP, and I do feel for you, but it isn’t the posters on this thread’s fault. It’s your crappy H’s fault.

You say that splitting up has "serious ramifications for the children" and yet you think it is in some way desirable. That sounds like a total disregard for the well-being of the children, but that's ok with you as long as you get a lie in.

You sound very much like you are struggling with motherhood, you don't enjoy weekends and don't particularly enjoy being with your children for any length of time.

I am sorry the father of your children is a bad father who does nothing to create a situation where his wife doesn't feel so overwhelmed

Rather than envying single mothers, you should look inwards to try and identify what you can do to improve your situation.

It’s easier to be separated than to be with a complete twat, because at least you don’t have to look at their lazy face whilst running round doing all the work.

But it’s not easy having the financial burden all to yourself, having no one to chat things through with, being 100% on whilst your kids are with you, being quite inflexible as to when you can make plans friends as it has to be on the ex’s time. And subject to them letting you down.

It would be easier to be in a decent caring relationship.

Divorce then.