To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

Trouble is you know know if your husband will share the care

When I have been in the absolute trenches of parenting, sometimes I have thought this. How easy it would be if every second weekend they went away to their dads and I could catch up with the house, work, sleep etc. We’ve even joked about it - we’ll live in two separate houses so we’ll both get a break and we can still meet up for sex.

But in reality? No. I’d HATE them to be away every second weekend. And they have a happy and stable childhood, it would take something major for me to rip that away from them so I could deep clean my house once a fortnight.

Yeah it's fine IF you get a co parent who has the kids regularly and also pays towards them. In that case it's an ideal situation. Unfortunately too many parents seem to want as little to go with their kids and try and not pay for them either

I had 2 kids with a useless ex who did sweet FA. My DS, well his dad and I did 50/50 care from the start and that was much much easier

But it does affect you, unless you don't care about your child. It is the hardest thing to send your child for contact not sure of if they'll be fed, warm and safe.

But I hear you. You're exhausted and you've had enough. Has your husband always been this bad? You can't be with someone if you start resenting them. It'll kill the relationship.

You've got some thinking to do.

I understand that @Adventurebayholiday. And even though DD is now an adult, I can still remember how relentless those early years were.

By the way, it might have sounded like I was saying that you should stay for the sake of the children. That wasn't my intention. I've never been one for taking a harsh, "You've made your bed, so you may lie in it" approach. Only you can decide if you should stay in your marriage or leave. I guess you'll have to do up a pros and cons list. I just wanted to paint a realistic picture of co-parenting. And Ex and I have tried to keep things amicable, for the sake of DD. For example, I have no issue with Ex taking DD on Father's Day or his birthday, even if it's 'my' weekend. Other parents might use those things as point scoring exercises, harming their kids in the process.

Also, we don't know how your DH would cope if you did separate. He sounds like a very hands off Dad (to put it mildly). Would he suddenly turn into Dad of the Year if he has to manage his kids on his own, for an entire weekend? Or would he rope in female help (his mother/sister/new girlfriend)? Or would he throw in the towel after a few weeks and resort to sporadic parenting, whilst simultaneously blaming you for stopping him from seeing his kids. I've seen a lot of the latter on MN. If that happened, you'd end up doing it all anyway, without any free time to yourself.

Sounds like your DC see you as their primary parent. How would they feel about suddenly spending a lot of time with their Dad, without you there? Might be very difficult at drop off time if the DC are crying and clinging to your legs and begging you not to leave them with their Dad. As the kids get older and can express their opinions on this, they might refuse to go to their Dad's house.

There are other variables to consider. How would you manage financially on your own? Do you earn a high salary or a low salary? Would you be eligible for any/more benefits? Can you afford to pay legal fees? Would your DH contribute towards childcare costs? Do you rent or do you have a mortgage? Would you have to sell your home? Do you have good support from family and friends? You don't have to answer these questions here. But some things for you to weigh up.

You sound like you’re deep in the trenches and can’t see the end. I’m so sorry your feeling like this, I remember the feeling well!

Can you have a come to Jesus talk with your dh and tell him how you’re feeling, my dh won’t really have deep conversations, after the kids are in bed I pause the tv and start by saying you don’t need to respond or speak but I need you to listen - then tell him what I’m at breaking point with, the last time I had the talk - it was about housework, I needed him to pull his weight.

Without him saying a word about it, he took over all the laundry and ironing, cooks tea 3 nights a week and does the dishes and tidies up every night while I have a shower.

my kids are teens now and we’re going out for dates and completely reconnecting.

what I’m trying to say op is that it is hard now but it will get easier. If your dh isn’t going to step up though and stop you burning out you may be heading for the end anyway.

sending you solidarity and a hug 💐

This is my set-up and yes, in many ways it is ideal, but I have seen life from 3 sides - the completely lone parent one, the married to a lazy asshole one and now the 50/50 situation. Each had their benefits and drawbacks, but this now is probably the best out of the lot.

Pros:

• I get to be a mother and devote my energy to my children when I have them. Getting a break in between gives me time to recharge somewhat.
• I get to have proper me-time where I get to go home and have no one else to be responsible for. If I want to read a novel in 2 days (and work allows) I can do so without any interruptions.
• I get to make all parenting decisions inside my house by myself. No one will moan at me for how I raise my kids.
• No more walking on eggshells. I am free.

• I am responsible for making enough money to cover a decently-sized house, and for maintaining said house if things go wrong. The pressure to be good at my job so I don't get fired is immense, as is the pressure to do ensure any issues with the house get fixed immediately, because nothing feels worse than having your kids either freezing in a house with a broken boiler for a few days while knowing they could have a warm home at their dad's, or worse, having to admit such things to him.
• There is pressure on both parents to stay in close physical proximity once the children are school age, otherwise getting to and from school will be a nightmare for children.
• The week I have them is full-on, non-stop and the house is never tidy enough during that time, because I don't have the energy to keep it sparkling while doing everything else on top of a high-pressure, high-workload job.
• If you have different parenting standards, things can get very frustrating. We currently are going through homework only being completed every other week because dad doesn't think it's important, differences in attitudes to reading, screen time, outside play, manners.
• As a woman, I am still the default parent - I get called by school for any accidents, queries, sickness, I have to make all medical appointments including dentists, and, in a nice way, my children come to me first for cuddles and chats, even the teen, online even when at their dad's.

Look OP it sounds like you have a shit husband that you’re not willing to leave for the children’s sake and your wider family’s sake. Fine. You can’t talk to him, because as you say - he won’t change. Fine. I don’t understand what you want from the thread? For us to tell you that your fantasy of being a single parent is everything what you imagined it to be - why? You’re not going to leave him right? What’s the actually point of this thread? My mum refused to leave my dad for the very same reason - he treated her like shit and till this day still doesn’t do anything, she bitterly regrets not leaving him but she’s in her 70s now so there is no point, absolutely despises it but - you know, for the sake of the children, right? Total mistake on her part. Staying together just damaged us more as a family.

Oh and XH is much happier with the level of parenting he’s had to do over the years - being part of a family was too much for him but this he can manage!

There are all kinds of separated families and some are better than others for certain family members. Other set-ups will benefit the other members of the family more. The trick is to find the balance, which is hard when the couple who are separating are (understandably) not the best of friends. As long as the kids come first then your needs can still be factored in.

Being in an unhappy marriage doesn’t benefit your children. I know the statistics say that divorce is likely to lead to poorer outcomes for children but that’s because of the likelihood of poverty, disruption and the fallout from combative parents.

I was of the lucky ones, DCs went to dads once or twice a week, I met someone new and spent those evenings on dates or having carefree sex, got to go on holiday with the new DP while the DCs went away with their dad, the ex paid good maintenance, so I was able to work in a job I loved. This set up I would 100% recommend.

However the ex moved away so I then didn’t get a single night off (still got good money though, but as the DCs grew up I needed it!) and then the new relationship broke down and I fell into a deep depression, having to do everything myself with no respite.

I can’t imagine how hard that would have been without the bolster of decent maintenance or any issues with my DCs mental health etc. They have maintained a strong relationship with their dad by Skype and WhatsApp and see him a few times a year.

I know that given the option of their dad in the house they would all choose that, but given the state of our relationship by the end it wasn’t pleasant for any of us. But their dad and I are both much happier apart, we’re now good friends and he stays here sometimes when he visits, we’ve been able to stay in the same home, same schools and friends etc , and he’s helped out with them having phones etc so they can all keep in touch.

This is so sad ☹️. I couldn't stay because the resentment would be oozing out of my pores 😞.

Im separated and single. Have the kids 60-70% of the time.

I work FT. I do all the house work, cooking, gardening, school runs, cars, holidays, after school clubs, DIY, life admin, school admin, child admin.

I then have to watch the EXH play Disney Dad whilst not taking any responsibility for the boring bits of having kids - homework, discipline, paying for anything.

But generally yes; get 1-2 weekends off a month to myself so I can pull myself out of my exhausted state and try to do something for myself with whatever left over time and energy I have.

The grass isn’t always greener

Sorry if I’ve missed it OP but how old are the kids?

OP, I understand that right now you do not want to separate, but if this goes on much longer (husband never letting you have a break) I think you'll end up being very resentful, you will lose whatever respect you have for him, you will find him repulsive and the atmosphere in the house will deteriorate.
I have read your replies and it seems to me that you are very focused on explaining to us why nothing can actually change. I urge you to get creative, either in finding ways you can get your husband to actually do something useful for a change, or in planning exactly what you would need to separate succesfully. You will need one of the two eventually.

When my DC were small I was SO jealous of my seperated friend. She had every other weekend off to do exactly what she pleased and in the week her parents were constantly there to help because she was on her own. When DH upset me I'd lie awake fantasising about getting a divorce, moving back in with my mum and dad and having weekends free. I realise now it's just that it's very very hard, and when things are hard it's human nature to think other people have it easier.

Also, one of my friends has a new partner who she sees when her DC are with their dad. They get so much good quality, childfree time together. My DH and I only get that when the kids are in bed or if we're both off work during the school day (no external help and both kids are ND and never go to play dates etc). In a way it's better for relationships too not to have the kids there all the time.

Yes! I love it. And everyone's happy so win win

You're right. It's easier without a dead weight at home, and if you get days free, that's much better than being married. Source: me and dozens of my friends.

I agree, in situations where there is a decent split and the other parent steps up. I have a few friends in that position and they have vastly more childfree time than I do. Even if my DH is "in charge" of the kids for 24 hours it's not the same freedom you get if they are in a different house and not really your responsibility to the same degree. I love my kids but wow would I love a regular and complete break from it all sometimes.

Sometimes, it actually is though...

I do pretty much have that except actually very little money and ex lives 45 minutes' bus journey away. We get on each other's nerves a bit, but manage amicably enough. I agree there's often an uncooperative ex making it difficult, though, in many cases.

Grass is always greener….

In my case, definitely, much, much better now we're separate a co-parenting. During the week, I'm exhausted from work plus evening routine (and lack of sleep due to perimenopause etc.). Most weekends I get Friday and Saturday evenings free. I work at home on Saturdays (as school run etc. mean less time during the week). Ex DP has DS Fri-Sun and takes him to clubs, does homework with him, washes uniform and brings it back ready for Monday.

We cooperate. We argue, of course, too, over logistics, but generally it works.

Being a lone parent must be relentless and very, very hard. Being in a marriage/relationship where the other adult isn't pulling his (/her, rarely) weight must be so lonely.

I get what you mean and I sometimes feel like that... but there are all the cons to being separated as well. It's not just that you get a bit of free childcare. I mean you are lucky if you get that tbh be cause some people's exes are shite and barely see the kids.. some make ridiculous demands for times they want them..
I mean yeah if you were one of the few lucky people in the world who had a lovely amicable divorce with a really kind generous wealthy man who Co parented really well, you coukd still both afford lovely houses, he literally just mived a few streets away abd allowed you to stay in the famoly home....and literally the only impact on you abd the kids was that you had a few child free days a week..
Then yes that would be quite good.
But literally no one has that in reality do they?

My life was brilliant after we separated. I've never regretted it.

And my children were happier too so bonus.