To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

I don’t catch a break. I’m either working, caring for children or on the very rare occasion I am not doing either I’m doing household tasks and they really do need doing no matter how low you make your standards. Life is relentless and if I am honest pretty horrendous

I've been single for 15 years. Yes to all of the above.

You just seem to have a very fixed and negative mind set, catastrophising future scenarios and not considering alternatives.

If you genuinely think your DH married you for sex, childcare and housework then that’s really sad. Some women have no options available to them but you do; you have a decent income, own a house outright, live in an affluent area etc. You seem so resigned and disempowered for your position.

Children internalise and emulate their parents relationship. They absolutely pick up on atmospheres and tensions and resentments. Think what they are learning from you, what you are teaching them. It takes more than finances to have a stable and secure home. You don’t want to change the status quo but you aren’t happy with it either, so it seems you are stuck.

I'd find it equally pathetic if that helps, if not more. Do you think he's only with you for those reasons? Have some self respect for goodness sake! I hope none of your children are girls, they learn so much from modelling relationships they experience in the early years, be sad to not break the cycle and have them accept a man like this, ew.

A happy home is priceless

To be honest I’m not convinced children are essentially selfless beings happy to accept less if mum is happy!

They'll pick up on the resentment and the fact that you're miserable, seeing their dad not bother to support you around the home isn't going to do wonders for them either. Just be honest and say you want the money rather than try to frame it as martyring yourself for the sake of your children.

Hang on, I thought us separated parents had the best of both worlds?
Doesn't sound like it does it? 🙄

How do you know they wouldn’t be? Presumably you would be happier. You would have more energy and be more able to engage with them fully. Children will notice this. And notice how things are now.

Don’t use your children as an excuse for staying in a miserable and unfair relationship. Your DH needs to step up. But you don’t seem to think he will, but equally you don’t want to consider leaving. Be careful that you aren’t keeping yourself stuck here. You do have options and choices.

You're assuming "happy and safe". What if they get strapped into their car seats sobbing because they don't want to go?

What if dad's new girlfriend tells your 10yr old daughter that she needs to lose weight, and lets the younger kids gorge on sweets and chocolate, while the 10yr old is given an apple?

If you know your kids are desperately unhappy with him and miss you terribly, but a court decides they must see him once a fortnight regardless, do you still think it's easier when they aren't there? Or do you think your whole "relaxing child free weekend" is spent hurting for your babies who just want to be with mum and can't?

I can't deny I love not being with my ex. I will happily do everything 24/7, if I don't have to live with him, walking on eggshells. But honestly, my life would have been easier as a widow than as a single parent.

I would sacrifice my two nights child free a month, and spend every waking minute with my small kids, if it meant I didn't have to spend my time without them.

I know what you mean OP and I've often thought this myself. However helpful one's partner is, a whole weekend to oneself every fortnight, knowing that the children are happy and safe with their father must be BLISS!!

What isnt?

Not fair for kids

Yeah, that’s a bit horse/stable door though isn’t it. It sounds like OP’s husband definitely isn’t that type. So where to go from where she actually is? A Time Machine to choose a more involved husband isn’t really an option at this point.

Just focusing on me, the mother. If I wake up with a debilitating migraine, I can tap DH on the shoulder and tell him he is in charge until we can work as a team again. Having that flexibility and give and take is priceless.

the best situation is marrying someone who believes in an egalitarian relationship. All you need is a spouse who will be in charge of the kids while you get your time to do whatever it is you need or want to do. That is much better than a custody schedule

OP have you tried giving him a serious ultimatum?? Tell him to sort out his shit or you will leave him?

If that doesn’t work then leave, don’t stay for the kids’ sake. You may have missed my story up thread but in my case, the grass absolutely was greener on the other side and we have been separated for 3 years and my DS is a happy and chilled little boy. I get half of each week to myself, I have been on loads of city breaks/spa days/ nights out. We only live around the corner from each other and we get on really well so we still often get to see DS during the half the week when we don’t normally have him. We are flexible if the other one wants to do something on ‘their night’
Ok, so we are both doing ok money wise and we only have one which helps but I just want to show that it can be the best decision for all of you

Hello OP. I’m divorced since DC was only a baby. I get every other weekend to myself. I go out, see friends, do yoga, get jobs done, clean. Currently on sofa watching a film on Saturday afternoon.

And have a happy calm life with DC the other 12 days out of 14. My grass is greener.

Only you can truly weigh up the pros and cons for your own situation as it is. Just be aware that what type of co-parent you might get is a total unknown till you split. There is nothing like a break up to bring out never before seen aspects of a person’s personality.

My ex was useless when we were together. I did everything: school drop-offs/pick-ups, late-night wakings, and early mornings. Every appt, I bought all their clothes and everything for the house. In 12 years, I never had a lie-in, a day to myself let alone a weekend. He did. I worked full-time. He decided to leave last year. Having failed to engage with our family for all that time, he felt "left out." and "lonely" He now has them every other weekend, they are 13 and 10 - I would have been worried about him having them earlier because he would happily have left them to fend for themselves for several hours in the morning. I wish he had been a better partner and Dad my life is much easier now because I get a lie in occasionally and no longer have someone who is not an active part of our lives in the house. BUT I have to financially support myself and my children as he doesn't pay anything close to even the CSA amount - he argues that he has to live! I am also conscious while my life may be easier. My children have bi-weekly upheaval of leaving the home they have known all their lives - and going somewhere they are not 100% comfortable my guilt around this is huge.

i have my 5 year old full time except when he goes to his dads every other weekend. This isn’t for the the full weekend, it’s from 6pm on a Friday until 12pm on a Sunday so essentially all I have is 3 days off parenting a month. I’d hardly call that a ‘break’.

you all act as if you can’t ask your partner to look after your child when you get in the bath - I don’t have that, my child is autistic and runs around chaotically so I’m constantly in and out of the bath to check on him. He doesn’t end up sleeping until 11pm every night - again I don’t have a partner to share that load with so I have to wait until he’s asleep to go to sleep myself.

i don’t remember the last time someone cooked me a meal, every meal I eat is cooked by myself and cleaned up by myself.

you have a partner to speak to, when things get too much he can take over or communicate with and have comfort - us single parents have to do it alone and carry that emotional burden.

when you work, you can have your partner take time off work too when your child is sick. Single parents have to take all the time off ALONE.

what about when you’re sick? Does your partner look after your child and help care for you when you’re sick. Single parents have to care for ourselves and our children regardless of we’re sick. I am disabled with severe chronic pain and when I had major surgery, I had no childcare so the following day I was caring for my child AND MYSELF from a wheelchair. I mean cooking, cleaning everything.

just because my son goes to his dad’s every other weekend doesn’t take away everything I do that a two parent household gets to share between them.

Ah see id have LOVED my daughters dad to spend so much time with them

I hear you OP. I'm a 50/50 parent but my kids are older. I considered leaving their father when they were primary age, and it would have been way better for me if I had, but worse for them, I think, so I stuck it out, but by the time I left I was a wreck, so it's a finely balanced decision.

It's swings and roundabouts. I get a real pang when I drop them off at their father's, but I also really value the time I have to myself and the fact that I'm not catering to the needs of a manchild anymore or dealing with the physical, administrative and financial chaos that trailed in his wake. He's quite manipulative, and it's taken time to wise up to the particular form his games have taken now we're not together, but things are on a more even keel now (two years on). I am really struggling financially, and was shafted by him to some extent, but that makes it all the harder to imagine life if I had stayed. I value the fact that he's the one person in the world who cares about my children as much as I do, all the more now that I deal with him so much less, and despite the fact that I still have to do all the mental load in relation to them, though I can delegate some of the to do list to him now, depending on who they're with when things have to be done. He's a Mr Nice Guy type, so he will do what he's asked, even though he doesn't really engage with their needs himself.

All in all it's a better situation for me, and has been relatively stress-free for them now that things have settled down. Neither of us is in a new relationship yet, which might have changed things, but by the time that happens the last of the DC will probably have left home. I don't think I would have had it in me to manage the complex needs of a blended family, so if you're young enough for that to be a possibility it's something to think about, judging by the number of distressing threads on here.

Yes. They're happy to leave the sleepless nights and the nappy years to the resident parent but want their equal share of all of the magical fun bits

I'm separated since pregnancy from a narcissist and have been through stressful hell so don't recommend this life!
The best scenario surely is to be in a loving team relationship where you can tag team and then take turns to have some 'me time' balanced with the family time having two adults so one is 'on' the kids connecting with them and one is doing the 'stuff' that is needed to get through tbe day and get in and out of the house. I literally fantastize about that life and forget that many (most!) mothers are lucky enough to only have to do half of it.