To think separated parents have the best of both worlds?

Men in these communities may hide their laziness behind their female partners' hard work when in relationships but, if those relationships end, they have nowhere to go and actually many of them do maniacally start transforming themselves into 'super-dads' and posting about all the cool trips and long bike rides they're doing with the kids, if only to spite their exes.

A line I hear quite often from separated friends and acquaintances is "He never did any of that with the kids when we lived together".

This is very much my experience… my ex veers between leaving the kids on devices all day and feeding them takeaways, and taking them out to adventure parks and on shopping sprees so he look like a Disney Dad to his workmates (doesn’t have friends).

50/50 parenting was probably the best time for me as a parent. The kids got more attention when I had them as they did at their dads. We still got on well and so no animosity and on my days without the kids I was able to be me again. That involved travel, pampering, going out with friends and spending hours in bed with my various lovers. Good memories to be honest.

I don’t catch a break. I’m either working, caring for children or on the very rare occasion I am not doing either I’m doing household tasks and they really do need doing no matter how low you make your standards. Life is relentless and if I am honest pretty horrendous.

Separated parent here.... This literally describes my life right now. It was easier when we were a family unit.

@FuckILookLike . I can see where the OP is coming from too. There are some men who won't step up if there's a handy female around that they can push their responsibilities onto. If that female exits the picture, some may throw in the towel altogether and never see or bother with their kids. But others may finally be forced to take responsibility.

I think sadly it differs depending on sector of society and (to an extent) socio-economic status. There are some communities where it appears if not fine, at least accepted, for men essentially to abandon their children on a relationship breakdown and try their best to evade their financial responsibilities. But there are other communities and professions where being a feckless father is very much frowned upon and the expectation is that men will be involved fathers in some ways. Men in these communities may hide their laziness behind their female partners' hard work when in relationships but, if those relationships end, they have nowhere to go and actually many of them do maniacally start transforming themselves into 'super-dads' and posting about all the cool trips and long bike rides they're doing with the kids, if only to spite their exes.

A line I hear quite often from separated friends and acquaintances is "He never did any of that with the kids when we lived together".

Interesting post. I see where you’re coming from OP.

I have two children, both have disabilities. I have my children from Monday - Friday (morning) and their dad has them from Friday afternoon until Sunday. It can be difficult to do the school run and manage medical appointments for one child who has a severe disability but at the same time, I know I’ll have a break at the end of the week.

I’m thoroughly supported by UC as a single parent who’s also a carer and have no financial worries at all. I also manage to work part time but that probably won’t be foreseeable for the future as my child’s needs are increasing all the time.

I’m often out for cocktails with my friends or we’ll do a fun activity like bingo or something! It’s difficult as a single parent but their dad pulls his weight and I get a lot of free time. Something that many parents don’t really get

I think the mistake is waiting for a selfish/oblivious person to offer to do something like get up at night. They're not going to.

We had a rota when DC was small.

I mean yes an entirely selfish person will ignore a rota too but it doesn't half shine a light on what they're doing.

I just read my own posts through and they don't insult you but they don't pander to your nonsense either which is probably why I have annoyed you so much.

Can you get them into nursery for one extra day? Give yourself a break.

If your DH is as useless as you say (and I'm not doubting he is), it's highly unlikely he'd suddenly step up and co-parent well to give you the 'me' time you're hoping for

I’m probably in the situation you dream of @Adventurebayholiday, so it is possible. My ex has the children four days a fortnight, so I get what feels like a really decent break, but I also don’t have to be away from my kids too much. I am a pretty high earner so although it’s definitely tight running a household on one income, as my ex was a massive spender, over time I’ve actually become more financially secure than I was when in a relationship with him.

It’s not all roses though. The kids are affected to some degree. My daughter does not love going back and forth between houses and she misses me a lot when she is with her Dad. My life has to be run as a very tight ship time-wise and I would struggle if I didn’t have a flexible employer.

The kids’ dad does now have to take genuine responsibility for them when he has them, instead of being “present but absent” like he was when we were together, but he is not a great dad. My kids are tweens and are starting to see it for themselves. At some point I imagine they will be back with me full time by their own choice. I feel sad knowing he largely leaves them on devices and feeds them takeaways when they are with him, but nothing about the way he parents would reach a threshold for formal neglect so there’s not much I can do about it.

If you are actually considering separating at some level, I would suggest to wait until the kids are a bit bigger and you have high earning capacity and a solid financial backstop.

My ex was emotionally and financially abusive and a liar (among other issues) so I had a very clear reason to leave and my life is unquestionably miles better and happier now. Overall I think it’s better for the kids to have one happy and attentive home where they mostly live (even if the other home is only materially comfortable, not emotionally nourishing) rather than living full time in a loveless and anxious household with parents who fight a lot. But your calculus may be different.

You don't have self respect, you're happy to drive yourself to depression and are looking rosily out at being a single parent because you evidently feel like you don't deserve better than this lazy man who doesn't respect you one iota.

I did miss that. It is really hard! It’s no wonder you feel the way you do. I can also relate as I’m in a very similar position to you - I also work 3 days a week with very young DC. It is exhausting but your DH doesn’t seem to be helping as much as he should. He could do more to help even the load, particularly as you are struggling. Does he know how you feel? He at least needs to look after DC so you can get a decent nights sleep a few nights a week. The lack of sleep will be making everything worse. In your situation I would honestly book a nice hotel for a couple of nights and leave DH to it, you can rest and sleep. Don’t get pulled into the trap of having to do everything for everyone, he’s a parent too and should be able to look after his children in his own. It might be hard for you to relinquish some control but you may need to. I hope things improve for you soon and you can get a break.

Even if one is beating the shit out of the other? Or constantly drunk? Or addicted to drugs?

I’m at the age where my friends have started getting divorced and from what I’ve observed is that spilts roughly fit into 3 categories.

1. He has an affair, she’s devastated we all saw it coming
2. He’s becomes more and more lazy, she requests help. She gets a sickness. He leaves.
3. she hit 40, decides she can no longer be his mother and leaves him. Much wailing and crying from man-child.

No I absolutely don't get you at all.
This whole thread is baffling to be honest & I made the mistake of not unwatching it. Off to click that button now.

And my posts to you were not all unpleasant at all. Yes, at the beginning I definitely took offence to your glib comment that your separated friend has it made. But then I tried to offer advice based on my own experience so it seems you have misunderstood me at times too.

I honestly wish you luck with whatever it is you want or are looking for. It seems you don't know but if you do choose to leave I hope it works out and that you enjoy your child free time and your weekend lie ins

Presumably it was obvious after baby 1 though. Or 2 at a push.

Parents who stay together have the best of all worlds. Splitting is bad.

You really are quite an unpleasant person.
I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for and that the nirvana of being a separated parent is everything you think it will be.

Marriage is not a sexual contract. We don’t live in the Middle Ages. Plenty of people - normal, ordinary people - manage to have marriages that are happy and equal. It is hard when children are young and you have to work at it, but your DH is patently not pulling his weight here. Where is his regard for your feelings? What would happen if you showed him this thread, or just voiced your feelings honestly as you have here?

I think you are normalising his learned ineptness/ weaponised incompetence by telling yourself that wanting more is some sort of silly fairytale. It isn’t. You don’t sound pragmatic, you sound despondent.