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AIBU?

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Original poster

Out of all the relationships you’ve been in, what’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned?

145 replies

ZanyWriter · 16/11/2024 11:42

I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I’ve learned from past relationships - both good and bad. Each one seems to teach us something new about ourselves, boundaries, what we want (and don’t want), and how we navigate relationships in general.

I’m interested in whether anyone else feels the same. Out of all your relationships - romantic or otherwise - what’s the most valuable lesson you’ve taken away? Was it something unexpected, or maybe a hard truth you didn’t realise at the time?

Would love to hear everyone’s experiences and thoughts. AIBU to think we can often learn more from past relationships than we realise?

OP posts:
Encanta · 16/11/2024 23:18

Look for the intention. If someone does something that you’re upset by but their intention was genuinely good, take that into account.

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 16/11/2024 23:13

ALWAYS work, always earn a wage. Absolutely imperative.

AgathaMystery · 16/11/2024 23:11

That if a friend has treated you badly, and you think you need ‘closure’ - their treatment of you was the closure. They showed you who they were. That’s it.

Bells3032 · 16/11/2024 23:09

That passion and drama are not the same thing. Despite what TV told you passion and real love does not need a load of drama and over coming obstacles to be passionate.

Woahtherehoney · 16/11/2024 23:07

Love should be given, not begged for. As soon as you find yourself having to ask for it, walk away.

and by this I don’t mean anything to do with sex, just general love. My ex made me work so hard for his affection - I won’t ever let another man put me in that position.

Sleepandchocolate2202 · 16/11/2024 23:05

Not to settle

Daleksatemyshed · 16/11/2024 17:52

@coodawoodashooda you can't polish a turd but as a friend of mine says you can roll it in glitter😁
I always say on here don't pay attention to their words, look at their actions. It's amazing how many posts on here say he say this, that and the other but their actions are a clear guide to how they really feel. I dated a complete cocklodger when I was young, he had an excuse for everything but he never made an attempt at getting a job- meeting his Father was an education- turned out he owed people money all over.

ginasevern · 16/11/2024 17:23

I learned that no matter how long you've been married (26 years in my case) and no matter how happy you are or how lovely your DH is, he is still capable of cheating. I always thought it just happened to other women and that there was probably a reason, but I was wrong. Turns out even the nice guys ultimately think with their dicks if the opportunity presents itself.

Eviebeans · 16/11/2024 17:08

coodawoodashooda · 16/11/2024 15:55

You can't polish a turd.

You can try but it doesn’t make it any less shitty

unsync · 16/11/2024 16:07

Stay single. Life is easier and happier when you don't have to compromise on your values and beliefs.

coodawoodashooda · 16/11/2024 15:55

You can't polish a turd.

Oganesson118 · 16/11/2024 15:54

I think it's not to "settle" I stayed with my ex for far too long because he was there and I figured he was as good as I would get. I was wrong.

username358 · 16/11/2024 15:23

You can't change people.

OnlyinBlackandWhite · 16/11/2024 15:22

Friendships are supposed to be fun and life-enhancing, they are not relationships.

A relationship is only worth it if they love and adore you and you them beyond pretty much anything else. Someone worthy of that is a once-in-a-lifetime person; anything else drains your energy. Twice in a lifetime would be super-lucky.

DelilahBucket · 16/11/2024 15:21

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 16/11/2024 14:49

Very wise, Delilah. I’ve had several friendships and relationships with very needy people. I was such a sucker. It took a long time for me to realise how one-sided and draining these were. In some cases they dropped me like a stone if I wasn’t meeting their needs enough, and one of them then became very hostile.

My long-lasting friendships and my happy marriage are all with people who give as well as take.

Show quote history

Yes, exactly the same for me.

MrsCratchitstwiceturneddress · 16/11/2024 15:17

If you wouldn't be proud if your son turned out like them, don't go there! Conversely, if you would be so proud if your son turned out like him, marry him!

thecatneuterer · 16/11/2024 15:04

EmpressaurusKitty · 16/11/2024 11:50

I learned that however good the sex might be on occasion, ultimately nothing beats living alone with a cat.

What did you learn, OP?

Love it. Couldn't agree more

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/11/2024 15:03

I've learned that I make a great friend and a rotten partner. I'm basically too selfish and my ADHD makes me scatty and a lateral thinker, so I'm not great at being relied upon.

As a friend I am loyal and good company, I've got friends I've had for donkey's years. As a partner I make a better friend.

Am now very happily single.

Civilservant · 16/11/2024 14:58

They put themselves first, didn’t want to properly share parenting and domestic work or make any changes at work, and consistently got angry when I became angry or sought changes. IMO many fathers seem to be like this and many mothers ‘suck it up’.

puddingpour · 16/11/2024 14:52

If they tell you one lie, they'll tell you many.

ElsieMc · 16/11/2024 14:51

First - Always, always listen to your gut instincts. They are the truth. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. With me that was Cafcass and they were so very very wrong. You know the child. They don't.

Second - if it doesnt make sense, it isn't true.
Listen to that gnawing little doubt inside. It's your danger warning system. Dont bury it.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 16/11/2024 14:49

DelilahBucket · 16/11/2024 12:21

I've learned from friendships that I can't help people with their mental health problems and if they expect me to, they're not a friend. For a long time I attracted people who were needy and clingy and it was exhausting. I've attracted another one recently and have learned to recognise the traits early on so immediately closed down the possibility of a friendship. We have to work alongside each other volunteering so I'm pleasant but her neediness is overwhelming.

Very wise, Delilah. I’ve had several friendships and relationships with very needy people. I was such a sucker. It took a long time for me to realise how one-sided and draining these were. In some cases they dropped me like a stone if I wasn’t meeting their needs enough, and one of them then became very hostile.

My long-lasting friendships and my happy marriage are all with people who give as well as take.

Hadalifeonce · 16/11/2024 13:59

Communication is key.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 16/11/2024 13:56

When you live with someone and a work opportunity (or other reason for one of you to move away) comes up elsewhere, don’t let it become an open-ended long-distance relationship. That’s just the most painful way of splitting up in my experience.

A short-term LDR, agreed by both in advance, can work. But otherwise, if you can’t both move together, I’d rather end the relationship. Sounds drastic, but a long-drawn-out slipping away from each other is worse.

Edited to add: I knew a couple who made if work for a one-year posting abroad. They visited each other twice, and had been married for years. They missed each other awfully.

Caroparo52 · 16/11/2024 13:47

You can't change someone