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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to be my husbands PA?

104 replies

Forgetaboutit · 16/11/2024 09:52

Me and DH work full time, we don’t have any children. I work Monday to Friday and he works Monday to Thursday and then also one or two days at the weekend doing his own jobs. He doesn’t ALWAYS take these jobs on, because sometimes he will have a break at the weekends to do things with me or just to relax, but it’s good for getting extra money in.

Over the past few months he has been getting so much extra work that it’s getting overwhelming for him. I suggested just saying no to people because he can only do so much and he is going to wear himself down! He won’t listen to me. His head is all over the place because he cannot organise himself and manage his workload. He will often triple book things and then be like “ah shit, I said I’d do this thing for x but now I’ve agreed to do this for y on the same day” and then I’ll pipe up and say “you also have a dentist appointment that day” or something. He is so bad at remembering things and organisation. He jokingly suggested that I manage his diary for him, but his mum and dad jumped on this and said what a brilliant idea!! That is what needs to happen etc. I understand that it will take some pressure off him, but why should I have to do more work? I already have my own things to organise and remember. I have to remind him constantly of his plans and appointments, now I have to organise his work diary for him too? Once, his dad text me saying “John has an appointment on 8th august, please could you make a note of it and make sure he doesn’t forget?” I wanted to reply to him saying “please text John as it is his appointment and will need to remember it for himself as he’s an adult” but instead I just ignored the text, told John the date and expected him to remember it. I feel like he has been treated this way by his parents and has never had to organise himself or remember things for himself because they did it for him and now are expecting me to do the same!

AIBU to not want to take control of his work diary for him? I know it will take the pressure off himself and I do want to help him out where I can. So part of me thinks just do it, what’s the harm? But then another part of me thinks it’s just enabling his lack of organisation.

OP posts:
Sweetandsaltycaroline · 16/11/2024 13:57

I feel your pain!
I work with DH for our own company and he is unable to say no to anyone who asks him to do something except me or DC (work related stuff, favours, voluntary roles)

I suspected a long time ago he is ND and I think this plays a part in finding it difficult to organise himself. I often suggests making lists or having a white board and I take that on at work (although he verbally agrees lots of things that don't get added to the list if I don't know about/hear about them) but he struggles with personal stuff too and taking responsibility for it
We used to have a joint email (we still do but only I check it) I told him he had an email about a sports weekend he was going on. He asked me what it said. I told him I hadn't opened or read it as i wasnt going. He duly went on the sports weekend but couldn't find BIL and the other people he was meant to meet there because he went to the wrong venue. But that didn't really help him learn the lesson of checking emails, he just blamed another family member for allegedly telling him the wrong place!!

Cherrysoup · 16/11/2024 13:49

Bloody hell, no, you are not his secretary! Tell him everything needs to be on the shared diary-we have the shared calendar app on our phones so I can see my DH’s shifts and he can see my Parents’ Evenings. No way am I reminding him of his dentist appointments or anything else-he’s a competent adult. I’m happy to organise the dog walker around his shifts, but I don’t have to remind him of anything. We both work full time.

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 16/11/2024 13:42

How old is he, 5?

StripeyDeckchair · 16/11/2024 13:38

Yuk! How unsexy is a man who can't even manage his own diary

No way would I take on his admin work.
You work 5/7, he works 4/7 so if he wants to take on work to make up that additional day he needs to manage the admin OR he could find a 5/7 job like you.

And he needs to manage his personal admin, like you do for yourself.

This is really giving me the ick - I'd make sure he knew that too

EATmum · 16/11/2024 13:38

As a family we use Cozi which we find works really well. I know there are probably free options that are similar, it's just great for seeing everything in one place.

TheYoungestSibling · 16/11/2024 13:27

We suspect my husband has ADHD (assessment ongoing) and what works best for us is a shared calendar that works across our phones and watches. We invite our work calendars to important things by using invite email. That way we all have a clear picture. If it's not in the calendar it isn't happening.

I also choose to write a week's worth on our kitchen whiteboard because my brain likes it visually in front of me. He needs reminders beeping.

THisbackwithavengeance · 16/11/2024 13:22

You're married and therefore surely you should work together and help each other for your mutual benefit.

If you help him become more organised then surely he earns more and that benefits you as well? Win win?

But this is MN where you don't do anything for anybody least of all a member of your own family. God forbid!

TheHazelCritic · 16/11/2024 13:16

Can't you just help each other? Are you sure there isn't anything you re not so good at that he does for you?
I have no sense of direction,my DH never gets upset if I call him for help or he drives me.
He's not great at admin so I do all of our admin/doctor appointment etc.
It's a marriage,you should be partners and helping each other without a second thought.

BobbyBiscuits · 16/11/2024 13:12

His parents think it's a great idea do they? Did you ask them why they raised him to be a grown adult who cannot keep a handle on his own day to day responsibilities?
If he needs someone to organise his shit then he can employ a part time PA. Don't mix business with pleasure! It might not be a bad idea but really it's not going to be falling to you as that's not fair.

Haroldwilson · 16/11/2024 13:03

There are loads of apps that help with that. He should Google them.

If he's disorganised, that's a problem no matter who helps him.

He wants to be very careful about tax.

Fraaahnces · 16/11/2024 12:52

Oh no… nip that right in the bud now. I think I would text back. “I am work. Please remember that I too, hold down a full time job and have to manage my own calendar. Please text him yourself. I can’t be his PA, I am just managing as it is.”

kiraric · 16/11/2024 12:47

Nanny0gg · 16/11/2024 12:37

If it goes into the family pot she's already benefiting

And for up to £12k surely it's worth it?

The OP probably earns more than 12k and he isn't helping her with her job

snarkygal · 16/11/2024 12:46

What phone has he got? He could just ‘ask Siri’ to put it in his calendar if he has an iPhone? I presume there’s equivalent on other platforms. Using a calendar is pretty basic stuff! I presumed you were being asked to do all his expenses and accounts. Thankfully he doesn’t need to do those by the sounds of things.

1apenny2apenny · 16/11/2024 12:45

How about HE realises that HE has a problem and needs to get organised. He can ask you for help but he needs to own the problem.

kiraric · 16/11/2024 12:40

Wouldn't it be simpler if he just worked Monday-friday for the company rather than trying to do freelance work at the weekend that he is clearly ill equipped to manage?

Spondoolies · 16/11/2024 12:38

Agree with PPs - it still wouldn’t help because he is accepting jobs without checking, so whatever system you put in place would be a waste of time

Nanny0gg · 16/11/2024 12:37

ElatedShark · 16/11/2024 12:22

Tell them sure you'll do it...for a wage though!

If it goes into the family pot she's already benefiting

And for up to £12k surely it's worth it?

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 16/11/2024 12:28

Don't even engage in the discussion. "No, I'm not doing that. Oh dear, do you think it's going to rain today?"
Ignore, ignore, ignore.

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 16/11/2024 12:27

It took a surprisingly long time for someone to mention ADHD. MN standards are slipping!

Goldenbear · 16/11/2024 12:24

Forgetaboutit · 16/11/2024 12:11

So he works for a company and they organise the jobs etc so he doesn’t need to do anything in that respect. The extra jobs come through the company, so his boss will offer out extra jobs to people for weekends, but they are their own jobs and are expected to manage them themselves. DH seems to just take everything that’s on offer even though he has no time because atm we get no weekends together. But then all of the stuff he’s booking in clashes with other stuff and it’s just a mess. He went through a stage earlier in the year where he decided not to do it and just stick to the Monday to Thursday but we felt the impact of the income drop so he has taken them up again but the whole thing is just a disorganised mess.

The extra jobs bring in about £800 to £1000 extra a month.

Im the ideal candidate because I am an organised person and never miss a date. I have lists and calendars and phone reminders etc and find it very easy to keep on top of things

Edited

Maybe that's why the parents are often the belief that it would be beneficial then, I mean, if it wasn't a strength of yours they probably wouldn't bother. My DH is the ultra organised one so there is no way anyone would ask me to do that for him. That said, he tries to do it for me and I don't need his help I just do things differently.

ElatedShark · 16/11/2024 12:22

Tell them sure you'll do it...for a wage though!

StormingNorman · 16/11/2024 12:19

If you are both benefitting from the money then that does change things a little. You could consider helping out. Realistically how much time will it take?

Forgetaboutit · 16/11/2024 12:11

Bellyblueboy · 16/11/2024 11:19

How does he cope with his Monday to Thursday job? Does he have a PA for that role?

what sort of income is he bringing in - if he is that unorganized would it be worthwhile paying for an online PA for a few hours a week?

could his dad do this role for him? Why would you be an ideal candidate?

So he works for a company and they organise the jobs etc so he doesn’t need to do anything in that respect. The extra jobs come through the company, so his boss will offer out extra jobs to people for weekends, but they are their own jobs and are expected to manage them themselves. DH seems to just take everything that’s on offer even though he has no time because atm we get no weekends together. But then all of the stuff he’s booking in clashes with other stuff and it’s just a mess. He went through a stage earlier in the year where he decided not to do it and just stick to the Monday to Thursday but we felt the impact of the income drop so he has taken them up again but the whole thing is just a disorganised mess.

The extra jobs bring in about £800 to £1000 extra a month.

Im the ideal candidate because I am an organised person and never miss a date. I have lists and calendars and phone reminders etc and find it very easy to keep on top of things

OP posts:
Branleuse · 16/11/2024 12:07

Cant he use google calendar?
If i don't put things on the Google calendar with reminders, then it doesn't happen.

MimiSunshine · 16/11/2024 12:01

He needs to hire a Virtual Assistant. The VA isnt too expensive or eat into profit. But they can manage his schedule and diary.

a good one will be able to set up
Processes that mean he just needs to do his job and not worry about booking things in or chasing payments etc.

if I were you, I’d research that for him (LinkedIn / Facebook networking groups) as they’ll be ones that are targeted at his industry and that can be your contribution to getting him organised.

you being the PA when you don’t want to and it will add to your work load isn’t the answer

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