Requesting proof of therapy before he has contact with DC

Contact your local DV service and ask if they offer the freedom programme- if not, you can do it online. Ask also if they have any support for children
wait for him to take you to court re the children- its possible he won't (and if he doesn't, it wont go in his favour later if he tries to avoid paying maintenance by having them 50% of the time
contact https://www.ncdv.org.uk/ for advice on a non molestation order

I'm surprised the counsellors you saw agreed to work with you, as a couple that is. Counselling may help him change, but only if he wants to. Its a big risk to take and attending 1 or 2 sessions is nothing.

Do nothing. Don't communicate with his dad. Don't communicate with him. Spend the next couple of months focussing entirely on your children. If CPS are involved I'm assuming Social services are or will be too. Wait and see what happens with this. If you are seen to be communicating or arranging contact it could call in to question your ability to keep your children safe.

If he chooses to, at some point, go to court for access then do insist on supervised contact in a contact center. But be aware that this is sometimes seen as a stepping stone to unsupervised contact arrangements.

I dont want to go the supervised visits route

that would be the safest way for the children though if visits were needed. As others have said this needs to be a court issue

This needs to be a court issue - which I suspect it eventually will be and you WILL be judged, questioned and expected to explain why you have been allowing your children to have contact with him when he behaves this way. You need to safeguard your children or you might end up with SS at your door and involved in your lives.

Gently OP. He is abusive towards you and your children, physically and emotionally. He is a neglectful unfit parent. Stop contact. Let him take you to court but honestly he isn't going to pursue this. Do yourself and the children a favour and cut him out of your lives entirely.

None of the therapy has worked has it. There’s no reason it would work now.

You need to do what is best for the children here …

it is much harder to go backwards in terms of access rather than backwards .

He may well be prepared to go to court - many men do .

You go on the waiting list for supervised contact . It shows you aren’t blocking but keeping your Dc safe .

Abused children love their parents . Both children are far too young to know what is best ..

you need to think forward .

Do look up the freedom program . This will help you a lot .

i agree with pp- look at occupation order

I was in this exact situation. You'd be mad to give him unsupervised contact. Take him to court and hold out for supervised contact at a contact centre only. They are your precious children - why would you leave them alone with a neglectful, abusive man?

It cost me a few grand in solicitor fees, which I absolutely could not afford at the time, but my solicitor let me pay monthly.

Ex husband went to the contact centre twice and we never heard from him again.

Absolutely this too. Going to therapy is not a quick fix unless he's truthful and does the work needed which will be a long long road.

I think you have no choice but to only consent to supervised contact but let him do all the work.

If he wants that then he can arrange it, he can go to court etc I would go along with only what you absolutely have to.

Much as his children say they love him and miss him, they will also have been frightened of him and worried about his behaviour.

It doesn't sound like he brings much to their lives.

My abusive ex went to therapy but it actually made things worse. He told the therapist a bunch of sob stories about how I was the abusive one. Whether she believed it or not I'm not sure but certainly all it did was lead to him constantly starting emails with 'my therapist says...' (insert general comment about how everything was my fault).

Therapy isn't going to work if he refuses to accept his problematic behaviour.

You are better to focus on how to help ensure contact is safe. Contact centres are usually only used for short time periods so supervised in the community by a joint contact might be better.

Your children are not safe with him alone OP, even with therapy. There are unfortunately lots of instances of one partner putting the children at risk/harming children to get back at the ex. In your case he has already done it.

Please don’t let him have anything other than supervised contact!
if something terrible happens to your children you will have to live with it, and you have had a solicitor advise you on this.
he clearly can’t care for the children alone.

edited to say that social services will get involved if something happens and if you have failed to safeguard them they will likely be removed from your care.

Yabu to say you don't want supervised visits. A contact centre and supervision is the right place for contact to take place, with the CC staff aware of the potential for physical stuff like poking etc so they can protect the kids if needed.

Yabu for trying to avoid using the courts and instead trying to get an unreasonable and violent man to suddenly start being reasonable... because you asked nicely?

A lawyer has recommended supervised visits- they wouldn't advise it unless confident that courts would agree

Proof of going to therapy tells you nothing, really. It doesn't guarantee that a person changes.

Keep your kids safe, OP. That might mean supervised visits.

Agree

Someone can ‘go’ to therapy for the rest of their days, but it doesn’t mean they will change their behaviour.

Re the contact woth the kids.. therapy isn't magic and it isn't going to fix his abusive behaviour so you need to look at the supervision option or just wait for him to get his own legal advice and tell your solicitor you want him to pay for a contact centre

He's on bail why are you contacting him

Do you know you're undermining the whole police investigation

Have you applied for an occupation and non molestation order?

Therapy isn't going to stop him from being abusive. He should be supervised if he poses a risk to the kids.