To think DH is insane to suggest this

So it's OK for you to be alone? It's ok for you to not see your child part of the day despite there being no reason for you not to (you're not separated and your child isn't ex gf's so has no need to go to her house).

Personally I'd tell him he needs to enforce the agreement unless she wants to switch to whole Xmas day alternate years (plenty of people do that) and if he decides instead to do one of his options a) she isn't coming to yours b) if he goes to hers he isn't taking your child and c) he will want to think very carefully about what he decides to do unless he wants to find himself having another Xmas arrangement to sort out which, as its hard to juggle multiple separated homes, could leave him without any of his kids at times

Taking a 3 year old from their new presents to go to a strangers house on Christmas Day wouldn't be my first choice. I mean I don't think it will traumatise them and I can imagine plenty of needs must scenarios but this isn't one of them.

No, but she did get involved with a man that has children, and she chose to have a child with him.

If she didn't foresee that there might be some tricky times to negotiate around events like Christmas, then she was very naive about the situation.

I agree but I also think it will be lovely for them to see their siblings, talk about their toys etc, it will be exciting.

so as much as they may not be bothered, they also would likely enjoy it and good on the father trying to include his younger child and make the effort for them to be a family

I agree. I don't think a 3-year-old will be unduly bothered if they don't see their half-siblings on Christmas day. At that age, it's all about playing with their new toys, and dragging them away from that would probably cause them upset.

Stick to your guns. Let your partner visit his other children on his own.

@onion88 YANBU at all and have suggested several options which are a reasonable compromise.

There is one option I haven’t seen suggested. Pp have said you could invite the Ex-wife and I agree with you that is not what I would want on Christmas Day.

However, what I have not seen suggested is that you go with your DH and DD to the Ex-wife’s for a couple of hours. This way DH gets to see all his DC and you don’t have to miss time with your DD.

Hear me out, if, as some posters suggest, DH and DD went together you have no control over how long they are away. If you go with them you get to contribute to the timings of the whole day and decide the most suitable time to pop over and more importantly when to leave. This gives you control. I can guarantee the Ex-wife won’t want you there but can hardly refuse and DH can’t say you are being unreasonable.

It is only one day, so only visiting for 1-2 hours to see SDC open presents is not unreasonable. Depending on timings you could do this after your DD has opened presents etc. and before lunch. This means you need to be back by x to get lunch ready - DH to do prep the day before to facilitate this.

Being on your own for an hour or two after having a lovely family Christmas dinner, knowing they've just gone for a visit and they'll shortly be back is very different to being alone and having no one to have Christmas dinner with. In any case, you won't be alone will you? You said in your OP that your family are coming...

Op doesn't want to be without her child for a couple of hours, but seems happy for both her husband and his ex to be without theirs for the whole day. Is that really any fairer?

Op and her child and DH are not the split up family. DH and the ex split, this is what they signed up for, not OP

I kind of agree with the OP in that surely by now it should be a Christmas Day one year and Boxing Day the next. Do teens really still prefer to split the day?

"How is that fair?"

It's not fair. It's especially not fair on op's husband. Which is why he's trying to find a way to make it work.

Op got involved with a man with children, which inevitably comes with compromises that need to be made.

Op doesn't want to be without her child for a couple of hours, but seems happy for both her husband and his ex to be without theirs for the whole day. Is that really any fairer?

Of course it's not an ideal situation, but op should have known when she got into this relationship that would be the case.

It's not unreasonable to try to find a solution that, while is not ideal, is acceptable. And honestly, I think that her husband solution, with the tweak of time so that her family is there, should be an acceptable solution.

I also had to make compromises at Christmas, so I'm not taking about something I know nothing about.

The DH and ex-wife decided to divorce, the consequences are that they have to share the children. They had decided to split Xmas day so that the teenagers could see both their parents. The ex-wife has unilaterally changed the agreement. How is that fair?

OMG yes this @Sugarcoldturkey this is the whole crux of the issue.

The DH and ex-wife decided to divorce, the consequences are that they have to share the children. They had decided to split Xmas day so that the teenagers could see both their parents. The ex-wife has unilaterally changed the agreement. How is that fair?

The OP is married to her child's father. She naturally expects to spend all of Xmas with her child and has never agreed to anything else. The DH is trying to change that purely to suit his ex-wife.

It is not normal, no matter the blended family configuration, for a married couple with shared kids to not spend Xmas together. Sure, DH could go see his teenagers for a couple of hours if the ex-wife refuses to follow the original plan, but it is not ok for op to be left alone without her child just to please the ex-wife.

I really don't understand how you (and many other posters) think this is a reasonable situation. Very strange.

Sorry, I missed the post that he's suggesting going before your family get there.

So maybe you should suggest he goes after your family are there - either an hour or two after so they get to spend time with your child, or just before they arrive, and they can see your child when they return home.

Wonder why she’s alone again when she behaves like this

So - you don't want him to take his child there, because you won't have your child there - but you are likely to have your family - but you would be ok with her being alone and him taking his children to yours?

Of course he wants to see all his children on Christmas Day. And surely you can understand why she doesn't want to be alone, given your feelings about not having your child with you. It seems like every Christmas she has spent time without her children.

He's trying to find a compromise here. If you don't want her at yours, then let your child go and visit his/her siblings and spend time together with their Dad.

OP, push back very hard on this.

He doesn't think you or you child matter.
You come last.
Tell him to visit his children but yours is going nowhere.

I would be very very slow to have another child with a man who thinks Christmas doesn't matter if his two older children aren't present.
Don't ignore this.
His Ex is boss.
I simply wouldn't tolerate such a disrespectful dynamic from my husband.

This is what happens when you marry weak men with children who are scared of their Ex.

As for inviting his Ex to your house when she has been so difficult?
Is he on drugs would be my response.

How about you pack up and go and have Christmas with your family now that you know how he views Christmas with you and your child?

On what fucking planet.

Him going for a few hours in the afternoon is a good compromise, you should be fine for a few hours.

Your SC are effectively being expected to babysit their mum.

Unless it’s an excuse she’s making on their behalf, because they don’t want to come over on Christmas Day.

I think your DP needs to talk to them and ascertain what they actually want to do, because at the moment it sounds like their needs are being missed.

I think you’re letting your hatred over the ex get the better of you and you’re not thinking of the kids. For you it’s all about her in some way winning.

tnere is mo issue with him taking your child to see his other kids for an hour or two, they are half sinlings and it will be lovely for her to spend some time with them over Xmas and be included.

you need to calm down on the ex.

I thought the same but op herself said she didn't want her child to be absent from her home on Christmas day.

I think the problem is that husband is so upset at the thought of not seeing all his kids on Christmas day.

They both need to grow up. There is Boxing Day.

In the opening post OP states her family are coming over for Christmas, so why are people complaining that she'll be alone if her husband and daughter go to see the step kids for a couple of hours when her other family would still be with her?

So it’s OK for OP to be left home alone for half a day but not the ex?

I think dh needs to put his foot down and say he’s sorry the relationship has ended but it’s not fair he doesn’t get to see his children on. Xmas day due to it and challenge her that if it was the other way round would she be ok with it? What if she’s on her own for more than one year, is he not allowed to spend Christmas Day with his kids anymore?

Why does she need empathy? She is causing all the problems.

Quite!