To think DH is insane to suggest this

What amazes me is the way people rush round and spend a morning here, an evening there, on Christmas Day. I expect whoever is coming for Christmas Day to be there by lunchtime i.e. 1.00, and leave around 7 pm. I know our young people go off and party in the evening, but anyone with children is unwrapping presents in the morning (and/or church), family afternoon and dinner and go home in the evening to wind down. If coming a distance they stay over from Christmas Eve till late Boxing Day or early the following morning (this is DD's pattern, DSS has large family party which I usually attend and which takes all day, with everyone bringing something towards the meal i.e. roast beef, turkey, veg, desserts, alcohol, soft drinks etc). How does everyone manage to be dashing around all the time, and when can you get quietly tipsy?
As to OP's DH, he's not thinking straight. Christmas with your own child and your parents will be lovely - and no dashing about - and DH's DC can come on Boxing Day and you simply do another Christmas Dinner (turkey crown, or lamb (expensive but forgiving), roast veg (veg can be frozen - some very nice sprout combinations with maple syrup etc), and stuffing, bought Christmas pudding in microwave with double cream - brandy to light) with crackers etc, and Christmas Day activities with presents (keep back some of own DC's presents so they also have something to unwrap), games, walks etc. So, two Christmas Days - lovely and I would happily do it, and have done so.

He's being very unfair expecting you to change all your plans to suit her so she's not on her own. Suggest doing another Christmas day on boxing day when his kids can come then he can have Christmas day with you & your child then another lovely day with all of you together. Ask the kids what they want to do & go with what they want. I'm sure his ex will have family or friends to go to if they chose to be with their Dad.
I'd also be having a word with his telling him how his suggestion of him taking your child over there & leaving you on your own is upsetting. It's like he's putting his ex needs before yours & that's hurtful. It's ok for you to be on your own but not her? Erm... no way mate, not happening.

But you’re not heartbroken

@Youthiswastedontheyoung he was. We would have them on Boxing Day or another day that suited.

I’ve not read through all of the posts but I am literally shocked at the amount of people being like ‘don’t see the issue’!!! From what I’ve read we are in a similar situation, shared DC similar age with older SS, and the relationship sounds similar with the ex - gone through some difficult times but have periods of time where we are civil. She would categorically not be stepping foot in our house (DH would agree) except for an emergency and he would have no desire to go to hers - he would rather sit in a car with SS outside her house to make contact work that way. The ex is an adult, she can manage for 2 hours alone because HER circumstances have changed - not yours - not the kids - HER’S. Why is no one saying how awful it is that she’s keeping the kids from their dad at the drop of a hat because she feels like it?! Your DH needs to grow a backbone and say you’ll be sticking to the normal (hopefully court ordered) arrangements because her relationship breakdown doesn’t dictate your family Christmas - stepchildren included.

It sounds like he's doing a 'woe is me' hoping you'll be the one that gives in to make his life easier than him having to tackle his ex. You're right - just because her relationship has ended doesn't mean the usual xmas plans should change for everyone - xmas should only be different for her.

Hopefully when he's thought about it he'll realise it's not your problem, but if he wants to upset his wife & daughter's xmas just because of her he needs to compartmentalise. Who wants the horrid ex round to their new family's home on xmas day fgs, or their daughter going to his ex's family home. He needs to grow a pair.

Do another Christmas Day on Boxing Day for SC lots of families do this for many reasons, it doesn’t mean Christmas is ruined - he needs to get a grip.

I thought seeing family/in laws/blended family that you don't want to see at Christmas was just part and parcel of the day?! 😅

Seriously, I'd have to weigh up the pros and cons of the options. I'd rather host her for a few hours then not have my child with me.

I don't think it's to do with trust at all.

DH is just being emotional and wants to see his DC he's got with the ex. Ex is feeling sorry for herself and trying to change arrangements for everyone to suit her.

Are you at all worried about him being a shoulder to cry on for ex?

Sounds like you don't trust one of them, if not both.

It is weird for him to ask to take your child there. Has ex agreed to it?

@TheMauveBeaker Was he OK with that?

@Youthiswastedontheyoung because his ex-wife had them.

@TheMauveBeaker Why did he never have them Christmas Day?

It would be a hard no from me I’m afraid. My DH had 4 children when we got together and we never had the option of having them on Christmas Day. However he would never in a million years have suggested visiting them at his ex-wife’s house and leaving me at home. YANBU.

As the children of divorced parents, we absolutely loved having 2 Christmases.
1 with our mum on Christmas day, and 1 with our dad and his wife on boxing day. We were the envy of all our friends!

Is he totally against this idea?? Maybe suggest he discuss it with his children and see what they think?

Likewise how do you know ‘she has been there before and the ex makes a fuss of her’?! My DC have never stepped foot in my DH ex’s house (my SS’s house) and likewise my ex’s children have never stepped foot in mine

Tell him to go to her’s on Xmas day with his suit case and not bother coming back!

You need to read my posts. I don’t think dad should go the ex’s house. I suggested a couple of other compromises.

Why can't he face time Xmas morning then again early evening? Knowing teens they probably won't be bothered to sit and chat much if he goes over any way, so he will be there making small talk with the ex while they are playing their games console anyway. Christmas isn't the same for older children the magic has gone. He should concentrate on his younger child on the day then when they come on boxing day it will be all about them. Tell him if he isn't careful he will an ex husband and part time dad for a second time.

If the ex hadn't split up from her partner she wouldnt have had the kids all day. So I don't see why they can't still just go to their dad's for a couple of hours without her. There is no way a 3 year old should be taken from their home and their toys on Christmas day to visit a practical stranger's house to watch their siblings open presents in front of them. If she was older and understood more maybe but at 3 making her watch her siblings open presents in a strange house is just mean.

FFS!

True of course, but they do. The posters criticising the husband here are not realising that his “Christmas is ruined” is part of our cultural fetishising of Christmas.

Surely he just says no she sticks to the agreement. Why is it changing as she’s single? Pretty sure no court agreement would say mum can keep the kids all day the years she is single! She can go to family or friends like many single single parents do who share children. Why is he agreeing to this and then inconveniencing you?

They are if you go to court, and therein lies the problem. Get a proper court order and people can't deviate from the arrangements.