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Original poster

To think DH is insane to suggest this

585 replies

onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:31

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

OP posts:
24CRZZNKKA · 16/11/2024 08:52

onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:40

I have also said he is welcome to go to her and see SC if that's what he wants to do (not all day obviously) but I don't want DD going and me just being left at home.

I don't really see why we should have to completely adjust our day because his exes relationship has ended. If he wants DSC still then he should tell her that, not expect us to work around her demands.

I think you are being unreasonable here.

He should be able to take your DD for a couple of hours.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 16/11/2024 08:51

@onion88 I dont understand why he hasnt put his foot down and said no to her changes!!!! he should be having the children at the usual time for christmas, be it before dinner or after dinner. as for saying the christmas will be shit now, that is awful when he has another child at home! I certainly would not be allowing him to take your child to her house either! the ex is being totally unreasonable.

ReadWithScepticism · 16/11/2024 08:51

If I'm okay by myself then surely so is his ex?

His solution parcels out the day so that neither of you are without your child/children for the whole day. Surely that's fair

Beachcomber · 16/11/2024 08:51

I think it would be really kind of you to invite her and the kids if you all get along OK.
I've spent the odd Christmas at my DHs family where there have been a mix of ex partners and blended family and I thought it was amazing.

It was so different to my family where there is a lot of bitterness and animosity in split up people.

So no I don't think your DH is insane for either of his suggestions. But I can imagine that it's not easy for you either.

What would be nicest for the kids? And do you think the adults can manage to do that?

Original poster
onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:50

WhyNotUsehis · 16/11/2024 08:46

So you're okay with him not seeing his DC on Christmas Day, but you object to missing a couple of hours with your joint DC while they go with their father to see their siblings?

I think if he wants to see DSC he should tell his ex that he wants them to come here as was originally the plan. I would bet my house that she would not allow him to have them all day if we split.

And at the end of the day, I'm not separated from my child's parent, so the situation is obviously different.

I just don't see why everyone else has to mess around for her sake. She would not do the same in reverse.

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 16/11/2024 08:48

LemonSqueezy0 · 16/11/2024 08:37

Give him a bit of grace as he's obviously upset but once he's settled down have a chat and explain how you feel and what the various options look like.

This is probably sensible advice.
Why do people get so obsessed about Christmas day as a day? There's plenty of options for him to see his DC around the Xmas period without it needing to be Xmas day itself. They are teens so it's not like hed be missing Father Christmas moments.
I'd suggest he let's her have the Xmas day and he gets them on Boxing day. And make sure he gets credit for being generous here for her so can cash in a favour another time

Florafaunafish · 16/11/2024 08:48

maydaymayday1 · 16/11/2024 08:41

But you would be by yourself for an hour or two max.

Maybe be the bigger person it will pay off long term and it's better for the kids.

Sounds like it will be all afternoon. So @onion88 will be just as much on her own as the ex would have been.
I'd be pushing to stick with either the usual agreement or swap it round so she has them for dinner this year ( ie same as last year)

Stormyweatheroutthere · 16/11/2024 08:47

So his ex can't be on her own but you can? Charming. Easy to see where hso loyalties still lie then?
What if she is single for years and years?
She is a grown up ffs not a dc..
Keep to the usual arrangements of dh can fuck off there and stay there.

MrsRolandRat · 16/11/2024 08:47

I don't see the issue with him going to see his children for a few hours and taking your child. You'd only be alone for a couple of hours, it's no big deal.

My ex and I share one DD, we have no partners though. And my DD and I will spend Christmas lunch with my parents. Then we will drive over to my exP and spend Christmas late afternoon/evening with him and his parents.

This should really be about what the children want here.

You're the adults, and it's just one day out of the year.

Being amicable is far less exhausting than not liking one another. Life is too short. Be the bigger person here and allow both your current DH to see his children whilst also ensuring the ex can spend time with them also.

ReadWithScepticism · 16/11/2024 08:47

alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day,

This sounds like a reasonable compromise for all involved. Not sure why it is regarded as being such a crazy suggestion. It will only be part of the day, and perhaps your family will still be in the house.

It is always a bit complicated, making sure everyone gets time with all the people that matter to them at Christmas, and it's good if your three shared children have time togeher on the day.

Gonk123 · 16/11/2024 08:47

I wouldn’t want my only child going to see my DH ex on Christmas Day…spending time with her is just wrong. She is your child for you to enjoy on Christmas Day. You are absolutely not being unreasonable and anyone suggesting you should accept this needs to seriously think about whether they would be happy with this - it’s easy when it isn’t you to say stuff like this.
also…they are teenagers now…it’s not like when they are young and it is a magical time. I think he is being extremely dramatic! Just have Christmas Day on Boxing Day instead!

HaPPy8 · 16/11/2024 08:46

Cant you go there too for an hour or so?

WhyNotUsehis · 16/11/2024 08:46

So you're okay with him not seeing his DC on Christmas Day, but you object to missing a couple of hours with your joint DC while they go with their father to see their siblings?

HaPPy8 · 16/11/2024 08:46

I think he trying to do his best. Him popping there for a bit with your child would probably be my first choice but I’d make either work.

Original poster
onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:45

Catza · 16/11/2024 08:41

Don't see what's wrong with him popping over there on Christmas afternoon. Doesn't sound as though he is planning to spend the whole day there. I don't see why he needs to take your child as well, though.

Have absolutely no issue with him going, I just don't want him to take DD. She's more likely to want to stay here with her toys anyway. Obviously she loves DSC but she's 3 and they are teenagers, she's not going to want to go to someone's house she's barely met before to watch teen DSC open presents when she could be at home.

OP posts:
Dragonsandcats · 16/11/2024 08:44

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable- and I think it’s understandable that you’re upset that he’s made you feel like your dc is lesser. No way would i let my dc go to a ex’s house and leave me home alone. DH could go if he wanted. There is a difference between being on your own for an hour compared with all day though.

cannynotsay · 16/11/2024 08:44

Woah he's not thinking about your child here at all who'll want to be with their mummmy!!

It's clearly grasping at straws and it's not thinking. Have a proper conversation with him today

Notsuchafattynow · 16/11/2024 08:43

Also, it pays to be the bigger person here.

If SC are teens, it won't be long before they can choose how to spend those 3 days.

BarbaraHoward · 16/11/2024 08:43

onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:40

If I'm okay by myself then surely so is his ex?

Show quote history

You'll be by yourself for an hour or two while your (presumably) loving DH takes DC out for a bit.

She'll be alone all afternoon, evening and night while struggling with a break up. It's not her children's job to fix that, but it's not the same as you being by yourself for a little bit.

I doubt she'll want to come and see her ex playing happy families anyway so I don't think dinner is a good idea.

Original poster
onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:43

LottieMary · 16/11/2024 08:39

What do all th e children want?

I honestly think DSC wouldn't be too bothered. More likely to be bothered that they will have to wait until the next day to get their presents from us than anything else. Imo, it's always been a bit stressful for DSC changing on the actual day rather than one has full Xmas day, one has boxing day and swapping but it's obviously not up to me.

Our child is more likely to be upset at having to leave home than wanting to go with DH.

OP posts:
maydaymayday1 · 16/11/2024 08:41

But you would be by yourself for an hour or two max.

Maybe be the bigger person it will pay off long term and it's better for the kids.

Marblesbackagain · 16/11/2024 08:41

He is being unreasonable but understandably so.

He needs to firstly understand how his comments were hurtful. Yes he was upset and his reaction was appropriate. His dismissal of his child not acceptable.

If he can't negotiate the DSC for after dinner or a visit then he is going to have to deal with it. Without hurting your feelings that isn't fair.

Catza · 16/11/2024 08:41

Don't see what's wrong with him popping over there on Christmas afternoon. Doesn't sound as though he is planning to spend the whole day there. I don't see why he needs to take your child as well, though.

BarbaraHoward · 16/11/2024 08:41

Would your DD enjoy seeing her siblings?

If you have more than one DC wouldn't you like having them together for a bit on Christmas?

Original poster
onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:40

BarbaraHoward · 16/11/2024 08:39

Suggesting the ex comes to you for the full day is too high pressure.

But him going around with your shared DC for an hour or two is a perfectly sensible suggestion. It means all children get to see their parents on the day.

I'm sure you'll be fine for an hour or two by yourself, or he can go while your family is there.

If I'm okay by myself then surely so is his ex?

OP posts: