To think DH is insane to suggest this

My boys are 14 and 17 and when they come home to do our Christmas Day on Boxing Day, playing with their 4 yo sister's toys is genuinely a highlight of their day!!
My 14 yo has bought her a race track toy for Christmas... he's going to be living his best life playing it with her! 😆

Not 'her' DD - their DD

Could you take a gamble and call his bluff? Invite the ex for Christmas dinner - presumably she’ll refuse, plus you come out of it looking good. Otherwise suggest he brings DSC to yours for an hour or two rather than the usual arrangement - he’s happy for you to be without your DC for the same length of time, so why not his ex.

I’m a child of a blended family, and this is madness. DH needs to stop prioritising XW’s wishes over DW’s wishes. In my childhood, DH’s solutions wouldn’t have been reasonable.

My mum at Christmas dinner at my dad and step-mum’s house, alongside my step-mum’s parents/family? No way. Completely awkward and inappropriate. For everyone.

My dad leaving my step-mum at home alone whilst he’s taken all of the children to my mum’s house on Christmas Day? Again, completely inappropriate.

DH and XW need to come up with some kind of agreement, be it swapping on the day, as is the status quo, or dividing by Christmas Day/Christmas Eve, etc. DH needs to understand that it is no longer his responsibility to ensure that XW is not lonely on Christmas—it is up to her to surround herself with her friends or other family, and it is her job to facilitate this. Her loneliness is not DH’s issue to resolve.

She's not stopping him from seeing his dc, she just dosnt want him taking her dd.

Not every teen spends Christmas lying around on gadgets 😂 that’s maybe your experience but the teens in our extended family are still really family orientated and love playing with the wee ones on Christmas Day and doing family games etc.

I would be ok with DH going out with DD for a couple of hours, max 3. You say that you have family coming over, get them to stay longer or enjoy the time chilling, watching a film.

Treat this year as an oddity/excemption, for next year and beyond get him to work sharing Christmas, as a child of a divorce I was happy to have 2 Christmas days.

@BreezyHedgehog Exactlty the same here. But don't think OP would be OK with this which is a real shame.

He’s disappointed to not be seeing his older kids on Christmas Day and is desperately trying to think up ways around the situation. He wants all his kids together too. Let him have a bit of time to come to terms with it.

I always say that when you get together with someone with kids, you extend a family rather than create a new one. You are a family of five and he is trying to figure out how to have all of you together.

Having the ex to yours for Christmas sounds fairly awful if you were on your own, but if you just invited her for dinner she’d get lost in the crowd with all your family there too. Then when dinner is finished, “It was lovely seeing you. Would you like to take some leftover turkey with you”?

I wouldn’t want to do it as one of the adults and as a child whose parents divorced, I would have been horrified. But as a compromise to your DH if he doesn’t settle down?

Personally, I think your DH should suggest the ex goes to her family for Christmas dinner/evening so she’s not alone and the plans for DSC stay as normal.

One of my friends ex husband is an absolute wanker. He barely sees their now teenage dc as he barely made an effort when they were small, and now the dc don't want to know.
Since he split with his girlfriend a few years ago, my friends new amazing husband always cooks an extra Christmas dinner for him and ensures there is a seat at the table for him. He's a good man, who is able to put his ego to the side for a few hours, one day a year for the dc sake.

They are not alone in being able to cast aside ego and Co parent effectively, civily and in a way that puts the dc first. It's a much healthier way to live in my experience.

This is the way we've done it since we split a few years back, we alternate Christmas day. The boys are with one of us the week leading up to Christmas and Christmas day, and then swap and have boxing day to new year's with the other. It is horrid the Christmas day the boys are away and I miss them terribly, but for us we just celebrate boxing day as if it's Christmas day. Presents, Christmas dinner etc etc. I can't imagine having to swap half way through the day, I think the boys like being able to enjoy their presents. They are also pretty pleased that they get 2 Christmas days!

She’s a stepmum. We’re the devils minions 😉 although in my case I’d want my own DD to see her siblings so I’d be happy for DH to take the wee one over for a couple of hours.

I think this is a bit naive. Teenagers aren’t interested in spending Christmas with a three year old. They’ll want to lie around on their new gadgets or whatever.

Why wouldn't it be?

People always say this about blended families on MN, because they struggle to accept children wanting to be with their father equally or that spending time with both sides of their family is good for them.

In this case it sounds like your DSCs Mum is needy and expecting her kids to fill a void left by her ex partner which is unfair to them.

@MissUltraViolet I'm not. I've suggested to OP alternating the days and switching every year. So in essence, Boxing Day is "Christmas Day."
But don't think OP likes that idea.
I've spend many a year on Christmas Day on my own because I'm divorced.

How is that fair? The ex is getting her kids for the entire day while OP is alone for part of it.

But not for his wife.

The scenarios are the same.

Normally the teens spend some time with dad and some time with mum. And that's ok because mum has company. Now she doesn't have company she is not prepared to spend ANY time alone. And the teens are being forced into spending all time there.

Everyone is now suggesting that OP should sacrifice time with her very small child and spend time alone on Christmas day because the ex can't/won't be alone.

It's very odd. If one woman should be able to spend a couple of hours on her then so should the other. And I'd be very pissed off at my husband for not being able to see that.

Op I am with you. Of course husband can take a couple of hours out to go and visit his teens if he really needs to. But it is unreasonable to expect you and your child to sacrifice time together to accommodate this.

Life does change for people and his teens are only going to change more from now on. Christmas for him will change too. Its inevitable. He can make new traditions with his teens.

Why are so many people all for OP having to spend some of her Xmas day without her child so her husbands ex doesn't have to spend any of her day without her children?

Fucking madness this place.

I think it would be better to start alternating Xmas day and Boxing Day in full. You can still have full Xmas day on Boxing Day with presents left on Christmas Eve along with DD's, DSC just don't open them until Boxing Day. I would also think it's easier for DD to understand than their siblings coming or going part way through Xmas day. I only saw my DF on one Xmas day from 8 years old - bizarrely I can remember absolutely everything about all other access arrangements through the year which were quite complex but cannot for the life of me remember when I went to DF's over Christmas other than that it wasn't on Christmas Day.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all @onion88!
If there's an arrangement in place that has previously worked for everyone then that's how it should be this year too! It's not your fault, or your DDs fault, or the SCs fault that ex's relationship has broken down and she's now changed the goalposts and expects everyone to play her new game with new rules. No!
What's going to happen on Boxing Day? Or next year if she's still single? It's not your problem!
I can understand that your partner wants to see all of his children on Christmas Day but it's his ex that has put the spanner in the works and so it's down to him to reiterate that it's not fair on you, DD and even himself.
Saying he's going to invite ex to yours on Christmas Day is just bonkers given the history. And saying he'll take DD to a strangers house and leave you alone is bonkers too. She's three. What on earth would a three year old get out of being taken away from her new toys, sitting in a stranger's house and watching teenagers open presents in front of her? Bonkers.
All because a grown adult is now single and doesn't want to be on her own. Again, bonkers!
Sit him down and have a proper conversation and I'd also be telling him how hurtful it was to hear him say that Christmas is now ruined when he has a little one to think of too. Awful.

Not particularly proud of this, but I also wouldn’t be delighted with my husband spending half the day with his recently-heartbroken, lonely ex. Not that I think anything would actually happen, but, their family together on Christmas Day. A few wines, and she’ll be unburdening herself onto him.

A three year old in the mix would knock that on the head, right enough.

I think you’re being a bit OTT. If I’ve understood correctly he’s suggesting taking your DC round to theirs for an hour or two. Honestly, an hour’s quiet time on Christmas Day sounds blissful. He’s not suggesting you should be alone all day, which is what his ex would be facing.

Her coming round to yours- if you all get on then great but it really doesn’t sound like you do so maybe bin this idea.

I'm sorry - but your behaviour (OP's) would be a red flag for me (if I were DP

@onion88 I didn't mean the set-up regarding Christmas specifically, I meant the fact that he always gives in to his ex/has a difficult relationship with her and she is demanding. That was always going to be an issue. Christmas arrangements are always going to be subject to change as dc get older I think.

I appreciate posters are saying well if it's fine for her it's fine for you. But at the end of day, I am not separated from my child's father.

You're not separated but he had a family before you came along. That means he has other priorities and responsibilities outside you and dd. I think it's naïve to expect your life to be the same as someone whose partner does not have an ex and other dc. Compromise is always going to be necessary but it seems dislike of ex, understandable as it sounds like it is, is getting in the way of seeing that.