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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is insane to suggest this

585 replies

onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:31

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

OP posts:
onion88 · 16/11/2024 10:37

Also what happens if she remains single? Is that it now? This is just every Christmas until she finds a boyfriend.

I guarantee she would not do the same if roles were reversed and me and DH split up.

OP posts:
ButterfliesnWaterfalls · 16/11/2024 10:36

onion88 · 16/11/2024 09:48

You presumably knew what the set up with his ex was like when you had dd/decided to get married?

Yes.. the set up was that they alternated mid Christmas day. Not that I'd have to spend hours without DD on Christmas day so his ex didn't have to. That was never the set up or the agreement.

I appreciate posters are saying well if it's fine for her it's fine for you. But at the end of day, I am not separated from my child's father. I don't have an agreement to alternate Christmas. I shouldn't have to not see my child, who's father I am still with, on Christmas day so his ex can reneg on their agreed arrangement.

Don’t send your DD there. She’s only 3.

Keep DD with you and try and convince DH to keep the arrangements as they are every year.

The Ex is being controlling.

Don’t change your plans. Otherwise it will change in the future too.

I hope it goes well!

onion88 · 16/11/2024 10:36

umdontdothat · 16/11/2024 10:34

DH should collect his kids and bring them over to you and DD for a couple of hours. That is the best solution and the ex should compromise with that rather than OP having to do all the compromising being without her child.

This is what I said before, surely if he wants to see DSC for a few hours, they can come here for a few hours.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 16/11/2024 10:35

I think it's fair that under the circumstances ex has the children for all of Christmas day. You could visit her for a short tim eg 40 minutes.

Lindjam · 16/11/2024 10:34

YANBU

If he wants to see the older DC Christmas Day that’s fine, but why should you have to lose time with your child?

Stick to your guns.

umdontdothat · 16/11/2024 10:34

DH should collect his kids and bring them over to you and DD for a couple of hours. That is the best solution and the ex should compromise with that rather than OP having to do all the compromising being without her child.

onion88 · 16/11/2024 10:34

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 16/11/2024 10:26

@BlueSilverCats Ask the OP if she'd be happy doing alternate days. Highly, highly doubtful.

I'm confused why you keep saying this when I've said in multiple posts now that I am the one who's suggested that very thing multiple times but been shut down.

OP posts:
WoolySnail · 16/11/2024 10:33

umdontdothat · 16/11/2024 10:32

@WoolySnail
Don't shift the narrative to suit. It's not OP's fractious relationship with her DH's ex; it's the opposite way round me thinks Confused

I meant they don't get on, not that it was OP's fault?!

umdontdothat · 16/11/2024 10:32

@WoolySnail
Don't shift the narrative to suit. It's not OP's fractious relationship with her DH's ex; it's the opposite way round me thinks Confused

BackOnTheAntibiotics · 16/11/2024 10:32

Cityandmakeup · 16/11/2024 08:34

I think id be more sad that he doesn’t see you as part of the family if his Xmas is ruined because of that

Ooof. This is true actually though.

umdontdothat · 16/11/2024 10:30

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/11/2024 09:19

The idea that her break up is suddenly yours or your DD’s problem 🙄

He’s being completely ridiculous, as are the posters suggesting your Christmas is compromised to pander to his bullshit. He had no business having another child if he’s going to continue to prioritise his ex over them and his wife. No to him taking DD, no to his inviting her over.

Agreed

WoolySnail · 16/11/2024 10:30

Sorry if this has already been asked, but given your fractious relationship with his ex why on earth does your DH presume his ex will want his child with you at her home?!

BIossomtoes · 16/11/2024 10:29

LoneStar7 · 16/11/2024 10:28

If her family are coming round to eat, this seems unlikely.

In which case she won’t be on her own. 🤷‍♀️

LoneStar7 · 16/11/2024 10:28

BIossomtoes · 16/11/2024 10:28

I’d be looking forward to having a couple of hours with my feet up watching a film on Christmas afternoon with all the best chocolates.

If her family are coming round to eat, this seems unlikely.

Ablondiebutagoody · 16/11/2024 10:28

I think that both those options are reasonable

ivegoneswimming · 16/11/2024 10:28

The ex is being selfish. I don't see why things have to change because her last relationship has ended.

BIossomtoes · 16/11/2024 10:28

I’d be looking forward to having a couple of hours with my feet up watching a film on Christmas afternoon with all the best chocolates.

DeepRoseFish · 16/11/2024 10:28

BarbaraHoward · 16/11/2024 09:38

If he didn't give a shit about their shared DC, he wouldn't be proposing to bring her and all her three year old chaos with him.

How is that best for her???

PullTheBricksDown · 16/11/2024 10:27

Lifesd · 16/11/2024 10:21

Really - your 3 year old would kick off about seeing her presumably much loved siblings on Christmas Day? Quite a projection - I can see your step DC are a huge inconvenience to you but maybe not to your daughter.

Kicking off is more likely to be about being made to leave her new toys and family home to go and sit in a complete stranger's house, with no toys to play with, while her dad focuses his attention on her siblings. Does that make it clearer?

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 16/11/2024 10:26

@BlueSilverCats Ask the OP if she'd be happy doing alternate days. Highly, highly doubtful.

BlueSilverCats · 16/11/2024 10:25

Lifesd · 16/11/2024 10:21

Really - your 3 year old would kick off about seeing her presumably much loved siblings on Christmas Day? Quite a projection - I can see your step DC are a huge inconvenience to you but maybe not to your daughter.

  1. You make a presumption about much beloved siblings. You have no idea what the relationship is, or how close they are , or how much attention they pay to the 3 yo.
  1. Do you have a 3 yo? After a morning of excitement, opening presents, santa magic, overwhelm etc. they tend to kick off anyway at some point. Even more so at being taken away from their toys, their mum and taken to a stranger's house even if her (beloved or not) siblings are there.

Fucking hell.

101Nutella · 16/11/2024 10:25

YANBU
NO WAY would my child go to a partner’s ex house on Christmas! With no relationship between them.

you aren’t an incubator here/the help- you are a parent. You partner can go and visit his other children on Christmas Day - as you’ve said you have no issue.

but I’d make a plan so you get to have your meal and nice day not impacted by timings. Also can you invite some of your family over so youre not alone?

separately I’d be having some serious conversations

  1. explaining how hurtful his comments are and does he really see a Christmas with you/child as rubbish, if that’s the case you’ve got a serious problem. And how is your child going to feel growing up if she is seen as second best to the other DC?
  2. boundary setting with Ex. You need to understand he might never be able to do it so if it’s doing to be a dealbreaker you might need to make different plans for your life.
but no I wouldn’t host ex in my house with that history. And I wouldn’t go there either. If it became an issue I would take DC to my family on Christmas Eve and leave DP to replay Christmas past with his ex!
PureBoggin · 16/11/2024 10:24

When do your family arrive?

Can you invite ex wife and teens over for breakfast?

BlueSilverCats · 16/11/2024 10:22

Youthiswastedontheyoung · 16/11/2024 10:14

@Whyherewego Which is why I suggested alternating the days. But OP won't do that.

OP has no choice in this you realise that right? She actually said that splitting the day might not be the best (in general, not just this year) but she got shut down.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 16/11/2024 10:22

Both of the mums in this scenario are saying they can’t bear to be alone/ without their children on Christmas Day, even for a couple of hours in your case. Isn’t this an overreaction as much as DH saying Christmas is ruined? Feelings are running very high. Sit down with DH and a cup of coffee and work out the best solution. Personally I think DH and DC visiting the step child while you watch a film or have a walk would work best.

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