To think DH is insane to suggest this

Wow, some PPs are really missing the point here. The solutions OP’s DH proposes are irrelevant because the issue is that the ex unilaterally decided on something and OP’s DH simply went with it, and prefers to disrupt his family dynamic than standing his ground when his ex is being unreasonable.

OP, I don’t think your DH is insane, I think he is pathetic. And, yes, both solutions could be reasonable, but in this case, the default should not be to just accept what the ex imposes. Letting your DH go with any of the solutions just validates the pattern of her deciding and your DH being OK with tiptoeing around her.

I would just probably cut him some slack on how he voiced being upset. I wouldn’t see as that he meant the only important thing for a good Xmas is the other kids, but rather that he wants all kids together for him to feel real Xmas (hence why he wants to take your DD, even if stupid for him to propose)

For the love of god. Why does OP need to be the one who 'misses out' here and be the bigger person?

There is no reason why EX cannot be alone for the time that DSC are with their dad and their sister and their step mum.

The EX was not going to spend this time her children anyway. Just because she now doesn't have a partner, why should the OP be alone... without her child? And husband.. and step children...

@candycane222 would you say the same if it was the dad that went through a break up and decided he wanted the kids all day ?

Yes, this. He loves all his children.

yanbu! I wouldn't tolerate that either, and didn't.

We had a similar situation when i was still with my ExH with his first family (yes he has 3 kids from 2 women and now 2 divorces under his belt) when his Ex Wife decided to keep DSD all day at the last minute rather than hand her over.

I stood my ground and told him to go visit but we weren't being dragged out, he could go by himself.

It was his experiences with his Ex that made sure when he and I divorced that we never did half day splits and alternated christmas. The deal is he gets them xmas eve afternoon until boxing day morning every other year. Those years he brings them home, I have a second christmas day here with them for a couple of days, and then they generally go back to his for 3-4 days until NYE when he brings them back as he has to go to work on Jan 2nd.

They're 15/18 this year, and it's my turn.. he's aware that come next christmas when they're 16/19 they might not want to spend it at his any more so we have already decided to give them the choice after this year of where they want to go.

Yes. Christmas is for children. Which is why ex should maintain the relationship with their half sister and ensure her children are taken to see her on Christmas day.

This how old actually are they because maybe just maybe their parents should ask them because I suspect moving around Christmas Day won’t be ideal for them

I feel for you and you are in a difficult position. Stepfamilies are in a difficult position TBH Your DH is torn by his love for his 1st children, and how quick they grow up .And your little one,I would try to meet him halfway for his sake.Why not think of it as a little break ? Presumably your folks are coming down to you and you are doing Christmas lunch which is always tiring .Pour yourself a small (or large!) sherry, watch a film and have a little nap, Bet they will be home in no time!

👆👆👆

This is such a reasonable explanation.

I 100% agree with you on this OP.

Could ask the teenagers what they want

Either he goes to see them for a few hours or they come to you for a few hours. Im sure she will be fine on her own for a few hours. Otherwise they could come all day Boxing Day.

I wouldn’t mind him taking the younger child in this situation, if they wanted to go. But like you say a 3 year old isn’t going to want to go and watch teens open presents at someone’s house they don’t know, when they have their own toys/ presents to play with at home.

I think I'd relish the free afternoon and let him go with good grace. Meanwhile, feet up, good book, box set, glass or two of exquisite wine. Return favour when you really want him to do something banked.

So what?!

I am the 'child' in a situation similar to this. My parents divorced very acrimoniously years ago and don't speak. Any events are a nightmare - who to invite for Christmas, any family birthdays and who attends etc. etc. I have a colleague whose divorced parents by contrast go out for dinner together ( with current partners). It must be so easy for her to arrange stuff!
OP, while I feel for you, your DH has other children and this will impact the rest of your (and your DD's) life. I would urge you to try and have a civil relationship with your DH's ex for the sake of all children involved ( including your DD) and your DH.
I know it's pricey, but could a Christmas lunch out be an option for you all?

Stop blaming the OP. It’s the DH that needs to grow some

Yes at the 3 year olds house not at the ex wife’s house

Absolutely

So ex wife calls the shots then

So what if her relationship has ended?!

She needs to stick to what her children have been doing for years!

How fucking selfish of her

Your relationship hasn't just ended OP. Hers has.

Why wouldn't it be best to see her siblings?

Her life has changed.

Yours hasn't.

DSC should do as they normally do.

Which means split the day. If that means she is alone for half a day- that's just the way it is.

Both options he suggested accommodate EX at your expense.

Normally I'd say suck it up. But nope. I wouldn't in this instance. Her breakup shouldn't impact on your family. DSC are part of your family

Being the devils advocate, I bet he will go over with DD for a “couple of hours” arrive home much much later “ because she was “sad” and he wanted to see the children, they were having a good time blah blah”. Ex gets a lovely day with her children and her ex, he gets a lovely day with his ex and ALL his children, and op gets to stay home alone with the lunch dishes.

no

i would put my foot down, speak to the teenagers, see what they want, and tell DH that his EX has made her bed it’s up to her to lie in it. The teenagers can come to them for a few hours or leave it to Boxing Day, or he goes alone. Though I would put money on it will be for more than a couple of hours. I’m not saying she wants him back, but what she wants is a happy family for Christmas Day.

why should OP give up her “happy family “ because his ex doesn’t have one any more.

1 interesting question though - when he sees the teenagers, when her other partner was there, was it at her place ? Or is this new ? She’s lost her man so will pick up her old one to either replace or make do until this next ?

Think you are in the wrong here. Christmas is for children and they should come first and foremost.
DH taking his DD to visit her siblings seems perfectly reasonable.
You are an adult and I cannot see why you can't manage on your own for a couple of hours.

Exactly!

Stick to your guns OP. Please don’t give in. It’s usually the difficult people who always get their way and others have to compromise.

Mention to DH you would love to have DSC in your home with DD and you have planned everything accordingly. It’s unfortunate ex woman’s relationship has ended but that doesn’t mean Xmas plans need to change for everyone.