To think DH is insane to suggest this

But the ex getting dumped has nothing to do with any of this. That’s her lot, she needs to deal with it like an adult. Her kids don’t need to rally round her to cheer her up, that’s absolutely pathetic.

Just because DH isn’t sad and lonely doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the right to see his DC on Christmas as usual.

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle Do we know OP was the other woman?

So DH wants to disrupt his 3 year old child’s day by taking them away from all their new toys from Santa to go to his exs because she doesn’t want to be alone, but it’s okay for you to be alone? Nah. I wouldn’t be having that personally. That’s her problem. Does ex know that DH wants to take your shared child to hers? Has your DC ever even been there? I’d suggest half and half and wouldn’t allow anything else she’s being so self centred and ridiculous.

Agree with you OP. Maybe not for half a day if she'll be alone but he should stand up and say that your dsc are coming to yours for 2 hours - whenever that may be (as she's prepping dinner?) doesn't she have any family she could pop round and see for a couple of hours while there gone if it's that unbearable to be alone? Can't she have her parents join for the day too so she's not alone while the children are gone for a bit. Unfortunately, she's an adult. Get the big girl pantys on and deal with the day as it shall be. It's not yours or your DH fault that her relationship has ended. You had previous plans that she still needs to accommodate regardless. My child wouldn't be leaving me on Christmas Day if she was 3 and would prefer to be at home - your not the one who's split from child's father so unfortunately for her, her children will have to come to yours for a bit or see their dad without there step sister. I don't see why this is your problem or why your day should be messed around now. I also certainly wouldn't be inviting her over to my house if I were going to be uncomfortable.. it doesn't seem as though you all get on amazingly!

Inviting her over is plainly bonkers and you should not entertain this plan at all.

That said, as a one off I'd let her have the DC this year and celebrate with them on Boxing Day instead. It's a pretty harsh person who'd want to leave someone alone on Christmas Day.

Can you just put the kids first and suck it up? Being alone for a few hours on Christmas Day sounds nice to me tbh.

Share the workload of the dinner prep in the morning, let him take the kid to see her siblings for a couple of hours in the afternoon and chill alone with a glass of wine/cup of coffee/large gin/good book for a couple of hours before they come back. I cannot fathom adults who cant spend time alone (I would also say this to his ex!). Both of you should get a damn grip.

An absolute non-problem imo.

I thought you said your family will be around?

Don't think you mentioned how recently she has broken up. If recent, I'd probably be compassionate, while stressing it's a once off, due to exceptional circumstances. If more than six weeks ago, I'd probably push to stick to the agreement.

Pragmatically, I would also insist your three year old gets a free choice (want to come play with your brother's/sisters, or want to stay here with mummy?). Agree no reason why three year old should be dragged places they don't want to be.

I do think OP, you sound a bit lacking in empathy both towards the ex and towards your DP. Obviously, it's not the same for a successfully attached woman in constant contact with their child to be alone for a few hours on Christmas than someone who's been through a recent breakup and habitually has to be away from her children for significant chunks of time. And, no, your EX is not being "completely insane" he is suggesting something that is a tricky compromise, amid the complexity of blended family relationships, and I can quite understand why. Unless there is a huge background of other stuff, saying he doesn't have backbone is also very denigrating. He just sounds like a reasonable guy trying to care about people and see his kids on Christmas....and you sound pretty lacking in empathy or respect for that.

Absolutely not. He needs to stop being so wet and insist on this xmas being his as its his turn. Why is he dancing around her like this? Even suggesting you spend xmas on your own so she doesnt have to is a massive slap in the face.

Trying to work out which demographic Mumsnet hates most - the ex or the other woman 🤔

OP, you are not being in the least bit unreasonable. But your DP certainly is, and so is his ex. But because you are a step mum, there are lots of posters here who will gleefully stick the boot in and act like you and your DP's child are non entities who have no needs or feelings. The idea of your only child being taken away to an unrelated woman's house for part of Christmas Day with your DP so that his ex can play happy families whilst you are left alone, because HER relationship broke down is crazy, crazy, crazy.

He was the one who created a complex family

And which OP chose to marry into and have a child with

The point is he won't tell his ex no it's not happing, but will tell op he's taking their dd for a few hours, why does the ex trump the op, in no way would I allow my dp to take our dd to his ex house on Christmas day, it's not what the ex wants that should matter it's what the 2 dc want.

No-one in the UK sees January 6th as a special date. It has no significance, it’s not a bank holiday, families don’t travel in advance to be together then, no gifts, decorations actually come down then

There is no guilt tripping. It’s people’s preferences on who to spend their time with. That’s it. The only one guilt tripping here is OP guilt tripping her DH.

Splitting the day as usual is not ‘a couple of hours’.

Why should OP be left on her own because it suits her DP's ex?!

I’m too immature for these situations cos I’d be pissed off at everyone

We had a similar situation one Christmas and had DSD mum for dinner. It was a bit awkward at first, served lots of wine and kept it all very surface level talk. Ended up being fine, her and my Mum got on like a house on fire 😂. DSD was happy. I appreciate the dynamics probably don't always work for this though.

I doubt she would even want to go.

Because blended family christmases are alwaus trying to fit a quart of "spending the day with my family" into the pint pot of just one day. Suggest the OP does not try to jam her pint of (actually not that critical - a 3-year-old is not going to have fixed expectations of the day) demands into an already messy situation. Instead she could urve her DH to do whatever is best for the children in the situation and suggest he tries to get ex to make the same priorities, then drop the rope and if it turns out ahe is alone for part of Christmas, sit back and swap her pint of demanding what she thinks she ought to have for a pint of tea or baileys or whatever, and relax with a book/some tidying/a movie.

Beause otherwise she could be pushing the situation a step down the road @Difficultparentproblems situation.

Are people really saying ‘if it’s fine for her it’s fine for you’??? No way. I’d say when you split up with me then we will have to negotiate Christmas Day. If that’s not what you’re doing then our child stays here in their home with me. I am not sitting alone on Christmas Day because you’d rather upset me than your ex.

I agree with this. The mum needs to stick to what has already been agreed, put a smile on her face in front of her kids so they dont feel bad about going to see their dad, stepmum and step sibling, who presumably they have good relationships with.

Its unfair of the mum to put her kids in the middle of the whole "I dont want to be on my own" and their dad needs to actually voice this instead of rolling over and accepting her change of plans and expecting op to just suck it up

Unless there was some serious hate between you and his ex in the past, and unless she is not able to act like a civilized person around you and your DH, I would be ok with her coming round, why are you so unhappy about it? Christmas is all about families, and other Christian values - kindness, forgiveness, charity etc. Your husband is clearly a good dad, I know men who would not give a shit about seeing their kids in this situation, or ever.

Yu would feel sad with being there without your DC, so what about your husband's feeling? If seeing his ex is too much, then allow him to go to see his kids with you DC. Or go with them to her house?

Lol. No way should you let him take your DD to his exs house on Christmas Day! What so they can all play happy families without you, They chose to split so at times they have to spend time away from their kids on special days, that’s unfortunately one of the consequences of divorce.

he’s not kind and generous at all. He’s asking OP and their joint child to completely change their day so he can do what his ex wants and still have what he wants too.