To think DH is insane to suggest this

Or everyone could loosen up, get the wine out, and have a laugh. These things are what you make them.

The ex is the mum of OP's child's siblings. So OP and the ex are linked by a blood bridge, and therefore you could see her place as being like extended family, such as an aunt.

Why can’t he go over there for a short time on Christmas Day - with or without your child? You say you have your family coming over so you won’t be on your own.

He'll be there too. It is his birthday after all.

Are Christmases not written into the custody agreement? My partner's son had an agreement written when he was small, alternating Christmases and birthdays. If it's your DH's turn, that's that. The child's mum will have to get used to it, as that's just the reality of co-parenting.

Of course, seeing as the kids are teens, they should have some say about what they want to do. If they want to go against what was agreed that should be taken into account, as they're the most important thing, but if it's just the mum kicking off, that's not on at all.

It's not even as if she's without them the whole of the day - you only swap halfway through!

In all fairness to this poster I have never even heard of that date and it’s not a celebrated religious holiday like Christmas or Easter then it’s not difficult to assume that not many people in the wider population won’t have heard of it? I’m assuming it’s a religious day as well. This issue isn’t about the children not wanting to be there on the day. It’s wholeheartedly an issue stemming from both the mother and the father of the step children because they’re both being equally selfish in refusing to make the best of it for the sake of all of the children.

no-one - you know everyone then?

and the suggestion was more focused on a little kid will see the 25th as being when Santa comes but older kids will know Santa is fictional and may be willing to compromise on a calendar date because it might benefit them to do so

the 6th was arbitrary but on a recognised (even if not to you) gift-giving date as it appears the parents all seem a bit more focused on ‘special dates’ despite knowing the fiction of it (as it relates to gift-giving)

at no point has church, chapel or other religious stuff been mentioned so it appears gifts+family time is all that is important so therefore a compromise is possible on any date for everyone old enough to know Santa isn’t real

I'm guessing you aren't a child of divorced parents? No matter how civil everyone is on the day, it's usually excruciatingly awkward for teenagers to have to play happy families in this situation. Even when the two mothers don't hate each other. No doubt everyone would breathe a sigh of relief when it's over and vow to avoid a repeat even if it means spending next Christmas alone in a cupboard. Just speaking from experience.

But that’s the reason that this situation is the way it is in the first place because instead of putting his foot down and insisting the arrangements stays the same, he’s pandering to her because the reality is that she’s now alone and wants the children because of it. He already has a child he can spend Christmas with that he lives with. Why isn’t she as important to him and his Christmas as they are? Surely he can see them Boxing Day and enjoy Christmas with the child that lives with him.

Think of it like having an aunt over for Christmas.

Christ.

Think how grateful your DH will be if you solve the issue by having your DC's siblings' mum for the day. Think of it like having an aunt over for Christmas. The DCs will benefit, your marriage will benefit, you'll have done a kind thing for someone, and your parents will be there anyway, so you'll have all your loved ones around you for the whole day - DC, DH, DPs, DSC.

HE doesn't want that. OP has said repeatedly she doesn't mind him going, she just doesn't want him to take the 3 yo with him. He wants his cake and eat it. That's the issue.

This. Why not keep an open mind?

😂😂😂

Op, you're getting very skewed responses because MN is very much a 'first wives club'.

Of course YANBU, your DH needs to either grow a backbone, or accept only seeing your SDC on boxing day.

I'm beginning to really hate the words comfortable/uncomfortable. Everybody has to be comfortable these days, and god forbid they have to do something that makes them uncomfortable.

The Christmas I describe above was uncomfortable at the time, but I'm so glad we did it.

I think having the ex for Christmas will be a wonderful thing for all the children. Uncomfortable, my arse. It's for one day, and it would be a kind and generous thing to do.

So you don’t want to be without your child on Christmas Day but you think DH is ridiculous that he won’t see two of his children at all that day? I think you have been pretty unfair to him in this respect.

That said, YANBU to not want to host his ex on Christmas Day, and as it is also your house you can put your foot down and say no. Couldn’t he go to Ex’s house for a couple of hours at some point during the day but not take your younger child?

I think you are being unreasonable but I understand why. I don't think he's disregarding your child, he would probably say the same things if he wasn't getting to see your child but was seeing his other children, it won't feel like Christmas and will put a dampner on his day not having all his children together, you clearly don't feel the same about his older children as he does which is fine, but he's not wrong for feeling that way.

If your parents will be there with you I'd be inclined to let him go with your child in the afternoon for an hour or so

You're a special kind of doormat aren't you?

Is we can do maths, we know she WASN'T.

They separated 10 years ago, OP's relationship is 6 years old.

YANBU he is being utterly selfish. I would be furious that he is putting himself and everyone else including his ex above you.

I do think it would be kind to let the DSC spend Christmas Day with their DM under the circumstances. He needs to find a compromise that works for everyone.

Can’t you have the family Christmas he wants with the DSC on Christmas Eve? The DSC could open presents after dinner when your DS is in bed. Or have Santa’s stocking with your DS on Christmas morning with a buffet or whatever you usually eat on Boxing Day, then celebrate Christmas as a family on Boxing Day? Your toddler is too young to know any different and teens are old enough not to mind 2 Christmases and waiting for some of their presents. It’s only the big kid who seems to be having a tantrum…

YANBU op. Your husband is a spineless twat.

Sounds like you and your dd will always come second place to his first kids and the demands from his ex.

Id be putting my foot down now or you will be dancing to her tune from now on.

Invite her to your house. It's Christmas, and she will be alone half the day otherwise. I'm sure you wouldn't like that either, if it were you. Think of it as Christian charity. Christmas is all about giving to those less fortunate. You have a DH, whereas she is by herself.

If she spends half of Christmas alone - including Christmas night, I imagine - it might compromise DH's relationship with his eldest two kids. They will feel bad that their mum is alone at Christmas, and will blame him - and possibly you.

Be generous and call her up to invite her. Be warm and welcoming towards her. Do the right thing.

It's also a marvellous opportunity to model to all the kids how adults get on and how they should treat each other.

I once had a bunch of near-strangers for Christmas (long story) and it felt very uncomfortable at the time, especially as I was having an awful Christmas anyway as my mum had just died, but in retrospect I was glad I did it. Taking in and feeding people who had nowhere else to go is the essence of Christmas, although that was lost on me at the time.

I don't think it's because he doesn't want her to be alone, it's because he wants to see his children.

She has repeatedly said she would and has suggested but her husband shut her down. He wants what he wants.

No need to make stuff up.