To think DH is insane to suggest this

The stepkids are teenagers. Have any of the three parents asked the teens what they'd like to do? Both dad and ex are delusional if they srsly think a pair of teens are going to love making Xmas day magical for their adult parents. (However, the teens might enjoy helping to make it fun for the toddler so long as it doesn't descend into babysitting while the adults argue in the background.) Frankly, I think you're better off texting your stepkids about what they'd like to do and when they'd like to see their cute little sibling over the school hols. And the toddler should absolutely get to stay home to play with her new toys.

But it is a fair point that she makes unilateral decisions, based on her current position. Thats not on.

Luckily you have few years of this left, as they're clearly teens, and can soon legally make their own decisions.

I one year invited DH's ex wife and her daughter to come spend Christmas with us and the "shared" children and grandchildren, as her mum had recently passed and the father of her daughter was posted overseas - she came for Christmas eve till the day after Boxing Day

It worked out pretty well. No drama. However I have to say I do have a very large house - three separate receptions so no one was under anyone feet the whole time or feeling the need to go to their bedroom.

In a smaller house it might have become tense . My parents had a room to escape the mayhem from, the younger children had room to play and us "parents" just worked out what we wanted to do as we went along.

I think the dog got a lot of extra walks those few days mind

Luckily we were far removed from the days of fighting , finger pointing and blame, and had settled into a good working relationships around the children and then of course when the grandkids started arriving we did start seeing more of each other and we ( me and she ) do get along just fine. Shes the best of a woman, just not had it easy

I think he should collect his two older kids from her for a later start eg 2-3pm, then keep them overnight. That pretty much meets everyone's needs.

Haven't read the full thread because...15 pages. The simple solution here is your DH needs to grow a fucking pair and tell the ex, nope, the arrangement doesn't change just because it suits her.

All dc would get to see their parents if the dsc were at their mum's in the morning and dad's for Xmas dinner..

If this arrangement is so the ex is not on her own for a few hours why is it OK for the op to be left on her own.

Would they? Would many people really go, "Right, I've been dumped so you're not seeing your dad/mum this Christmas day"?
No they'd THINK I can't conceive that I won't have my children around me on a day that would be miserable for me because I'm on my own now. Like I said to someone else, you're not rational after a break up. Terrible for op and her husband, but she's just looking to surround herself with her loved ones at a family time of the year

Seems silly to take her to see them when she will presumably be seeing them on Boxing Day anyway which is when your DH will be able to see all three of the fruits of his loins in the same place at the same time. At three years old she isn’t going to appreciate the cultural nuance of Christmas Day v Boxing Day , and anyway, a house set up for teens is not going to have much toddler appeal unless you have missed out the basket of kittens and puppies that live there! He goes, she stays and has fun with her mum, her new toys and the other members of your family, who will probably love giving her their full attention.

No, most people wouldn’t be selfish like this.
Most people aren't at their most rational after a break up so I think they would (but would never admit they would and at some stage in the future would think 'what was I thinking!')

I am the child of divorced parents and went through various iterations of blended family set-ups on both sides with acquired step-siblings and the arrival of new siblings by my parents. Our family celebrations such as Christmas were often blended, as in also including 'first spouses', along with step-siblings, and were easy-going and fun-filled occasions. To me, this seems really natural, although we weren't in the UK, but in a northern European country which seems to have a more relaxed attitude to this sort of thing.

Put it around the other way, dad's relationship has failed he tells ex she is not having the kids as planned as he dosnt want to be alone on Christmas day, I can just picture the responses to that.

You have a dh problem. If you and dh always have the children on Christmas day, that shouldn't change on ex's whim. Her relationship status is irrelevant. You need to have a serious discussion with dh, because his attitude and response to ex is the core issue.

Why should OP be on her own so ex is not alone? Ex partners feelings do not take priority.
its sad ex is going to be alone as her relationship has failed, but she needs to make plans with family and friends, not simply throw her weight around and make demands over a situation that already works for everyone else.

I would suggest 1) attempt mediation and at the same time kick of legal proceedings to get child contact arrangements formally in place so she doesn't pull this again - its entirely unreasonable

To me it sounds like thee DSC should be with you christmas eve and morning and over to hers for lunch time for the rest of the day with her - means the meal bit changes but they both see the kids. They both need to focus what's best for kids which in my view is time with ALL their family not just their Mum

You have to adjust your day/consider the needs of a woman you aren’t related to because you had a child with somebody who already had children. And you won’t be alone, cos your family’s all there? My dad focused above all else on the half siblings having a strong relationship with each other and we’re all so grateful for that now (as is my mum). I think your husband’s desire to do the same for his three children and see them all on Xmas day is admirable - wouldn’t it stress you out more or worry you for the future if he could take or leave seeing his kids on Xmas day? Don’t let the principle (him taking your shared kid for an hour or two isn’t that big a deal?) cause more tension than it needs to and ruin your Xmas.

@SacreBlue picking 6th January as just an "arbitrary date " as you claim Christmas Day is, doesn't make sense because everyone will be back at work and school then

Surely the teens are old enough to decide how they want to spend their Christmas Day? That should be all that matters.

Three adults, who should know better, arguing over who spends time with them on a particular day is ridiculous. Teenagers are people, not prizes.

No, most people wouldn’t be selfish like this.

Would they? Would many people really go, "Right, I've been dumped so you're not seeing your dad/mum this Christmas day"?

I wrote that in reply to a poster claiming how kind and generous the DH is for suggesting , which is bonkers.

Not sure why you're making it into something that isn't.

Her relationship problems are no concern for her ex, his wife nor their child, despite how she is making it seem. She should stick to the original arrangement, all these posts because one selfish woman expects the world to grind to a halt to accommodate her and her situation.
But that’s life isn’t it? Wouldn’t most people be like that if they had a break up and knew their ex was having a family Christmas while she sat on her own? It’s not good but of course you’d be selfish in this situation- she just can’t see the woods for the trees!

LemonSqueezy0 · Today 08:37

Give him a bit of grace as he's obviously upset but once he's settled down have a chat and explain how you feel and what the various options look like.

This- I’d say it’s a panicked knee jerk reaction- ‘I can’t not see the kids at Christmas’ kind of thing.

Did he even stop to think if the ex would want to see him playing happy families with his wife, their child and the SDC's while she's going through a breakup?

Her relationship problems are no concern for her ex, his wife nor their child, despite how she is making it seem. She should stick to the original arrangement, all these posts because one selfish woman expects the world to grind to a halt to accommodate her and her situation.

I recall my two belting out Happy Birthday dear Jesus early morning when they were little!

I would start a new tradition where they alternate Xmas day each year, retuning to other parent on Boxing Day.

My kids hated being carted around on Xmas day.