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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH is insane to suggest this

585 replies

onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:31

My husband blind sided me with this yesterday. Aibu to think he's insane?

My husband and his ex-gf share two children. They have been separated for 10 years (kids are early teens).

We have been together for 6 years and share a child who is 3.

Husbands ex has been in a relationship for the last 6/7 years. Unfortunately this has just ended.

I need to add that they have not always gotten along, DH and ex. There were some really awful times, abusive messages, difficulties agreeing to contact schedules, being awful about me etc... I rarely say more than the odd hello to her.

Right now, they co parent pretty well and it's relatively calm because DSC can mainly contact us/ their mum by themselves now so not much need for contact but it's by no means been an easy or stress free road. I am glad that we mainly need to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Anyway, due to her relationship ending, ex has said to DH that she'll be keeping the children all of Christmas day as she'll be by herself otherwise. Usually they split the day so one has morning, one has them for dinner and changes each year. It was DHs turn for Christmas dinner this year so he's understandably gutted. She has a habit of thinking decisions are hers to solely make and just informing him of what's happening. He doesn't fight her enough imo on this. They share custody completely equally.

DH has now been saying how Christmas will be rubbish now, won't even feel like Christmas, cant even be bothered with it now blah blah blah. Which I've told him is ridiculous seen as we also have a child so he needs to get a grip for their sake at least!

But anyway, he's just blind sided me yesterday saying that he's going to suggest to his ex that either she comes here for Christmas dinner with DSC (my family usually comes so that will be nice and awkward) or alternatively he wants to take our child to her house to see DSC in the afternoon on Christmas day, leaving me at home without our child on Christmas day.

I don't want either of those and think he's utterly insane for suggesting them. If he wants to see DSC on Christmas he needs to tell ex that her being alone on Xmas day isn't his problem and he wants DSC as previously arranged not expect all of us to adjust our day and me to be without our child to appease her. Imo if he doesn't want to argue with her on it, he should just accept seeing DSC on boxing day instead this year.

Aibu to argue this and say no? If he really wants to drop in to see DSC and can't just wait until boxing day then he can but I don't want our child going or her coming here.

OP posts:
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Annanirvana · 08/12/2024 13:56

onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:40

I have also said he is welcome to go to her and see SC if that's what he wants to do (not all day obviously) but I don't want DD going and me just being left at home.

I don't really see why we should have to completely adjust our day because his exes relationship has ended. If he wants DSC still then he should tell her that, not expect us to work around her demands.

You're absolutely right. It's not your problem she is on her own. I see it this way, if it's supposed to be his turn to have the children, then you're both giving her lots of consideration allowing her to have them. That's enough. She should be grateful and your partner is being inconsiderate to want to take your little one. It's just one day after all but why should her feelings trump yours? No way would I invite her, it may become an expectation every year, even this once it will be awkward. As his other kids get older, they can choose how to spend Christmas day and hopefully things will be easier.

Whaleandsnail6 · 01/12/2024 21:26

SilverChampagne · 01/12/2024 12:42

Yes, it’s very apparent that your position is the only one that matters.

Thats a very unfair take on the situation...its the ex who has caused the whole issue and the ex who is still dictating. The ex is acting selfishly and expecting everyone else to work around her.

Sugarcoldturkey · 01/12/2024 20:52

SilverChampagne · 01/12/2024 12:42

Yes, it’s very apparent that your position is the only one that matters.

You're siding with the ex who broke up with her boyfriend early November and so figured she would be so heartbroken two months later that she needed to keep the kids with her for all of Christmas? Even though she has other family to be with? And even though it goes against the custody agreement with the dad?

Sure. Completely reasonable. Not at all selfish.

ivegoneswimming · 01/12/2024 18:04

SilverChampagne · 01/12/2024 12:42

Yes, it’s very apparent that your position is the only one that matters.

Are people still feeling sorry for the ex?

I'm glad OP got the outcome she did. The older children shouldn't be made to feel bad for visiting their Dad on Christmas Day because their Mum's relationship has split up.

RedHelenB · 01/12/2024 15:50

onion88 · 30/11/2024 19:09

They are coming here for a few hours instead then he is taking them back to her. Problem solved

Well resolved

SilverChampagne · 01/12/2024 12:42

onion88 · 01/12/2024 07:30

I assume that poster meant it only solves my problem, not his exes. As if that's my issue.

Yes, it’s very apparent that your position is the only one that matters.

Harassedevictee · 01/12/2024 08:56

Thanks for updating. Glad it worked out.

onion88 · 01/12/2024 07:30

ivegoneswimming · 30/11/2024 20:44

What?

Great update OP.

I assume that poster meant it only solves my problem, not his exes. As if that's my issue.

OP posts:
Commonsense22 · 30/11/2024 21:25

onion88 · 30/11/2024 19:09

They are coming here for a few hours instead then he is taking them back to her. Problem solved

Sounds perfect. Glad you found a solution.

ivegoneswimming · 30/11/2024 20:44

BIossomtoes · 30/11/2024 19:28

Yours. Not hers.

What?

Great update OP.

RosieLeaf · 30/11/2024 20:20

Great update, OP.

Carouselfish · 30/11/2024 20:17

I mean, as an adult, he should realise it's just a day like any other day! Have them Christmas eve or Boxing day instead. Make it just as special as a normal Christmas Day. Hell, rename it Christmas day 2.0!

PullTheBricksDown · 30/11/2024 19:46

BIossomtoes · 30/11/2024 19:28

Yours. Not hers.

She didn't post a thread, did she? Of course if she does I would imagine she'll get plenty of good advice.

onion88 · 30/11/2024 19:30

BIossomtoes · 30/11/2024 19:28

Yours. Not hers.

Not really my problem. She is keeping DSC that day for a lot longer than she normally would.

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 30/11/2024 19:28

onion88 · 30/11/2024 19:09

They are coming here for a few hours instead then he is taking them back to her. Problem solved

Good - storm in a teacup. Thanks for the update

BIossomtoes · 30/11/2024 19:28

onion88 · 30/11/2024 19:09

They are coming here for a few hours instead then he is taking them back to her. Problem solved

Yours. Not hers.

onion88 · 30/11/2024 19:09

They are coming here for a few hours instead then he is taking them back to her. Problem solved

OP posts:
HiEarthlings · 25/11/2024 10:34

onion88 · 16/11/2024 08:40

If I'm okay by myself then surely so is his ex?

There's a huge difference between a couple of hours and the whole damn day! Plus, you'll have other members of your family there with you, she won't have anyone by the sounds of it. Why is being kind and thoughtful so difficult for people these days!?

PullTheBricksDown · 24/11/2024 20:56

kittybiscuits · 24/11/2024 09:01

He was having all his kids in one place on Christmas day. He now wants to swap out having all his kids at his home with his current partner, for having all his kids at his ex's, leaving his partner home alone and minus her own child.

Almost as if his priority was his own happiness* rather than the happiness of his kids either individually or collectively 🤔

*and I include in this the wish to avoid getting it in the neck, which he seems to have figured is more likely to come from his ex wife than his current one. Risky.

SilverChampagne · 24/11/2024 09:49

For an hour or two, at most.

kittybiscuits · 24/11/2024 09:01

He was having all his kids in one place on Christmas day. He now wants to swap out having all his kids at his home with his current partner, for having all his kids at his ex's, leaving his partner home alone and minus her own child.

Blueskies4 · 24/11/2024 08:12

I wouldn’t want to do it.

But equally, isn’t it him just wanting all of his kids in one place at Christmas, and being kind towards his ex who will be on her own. IMO suggests he’s a decent guy. Yes there should be compromise but not sure where it is in this case.

Kazzmarie12 · 24/11/2024 03:16

Gonk123 · 16/11/2024 08:47

I wouldn’t want my only child going to see my DH ex on Christmas Day…spending time with her is just wrong. She is your child for you to enjoy on Christmas Day. You are absolutely not being unreasonable and anyone suggesting you should accept this needs to seriously think about whether they would be happy with this - it’s easy when it isn’t you to say stuff like this.
also…they are teenagers now…it’s not like when they are young and it is a magical time. I think he is being extremely dramatic! Just have Christmas Day on Boxing Day instead!

Best advice

Codlingmoths · 23/11/2024 22:50

Winnie27101981 · 23/11/2024 21:56

Oh my goodness it’s for a couple of hours! Not even a comparison to her being on her own all day. You said your family will be there anyway! So you won’t be alone! And let your child decide if she goes with daddy or not. You are an adult and quite capable of being alone for a couple hours even if it is Xmas day!

If you push back your partner will get pissed eventually and start to resent you and you may then end up sharing your child on Xmas day every year!!

You are adults - behave like adults and accept you met someone with kids and they come first!

She has said, multiple times, that her family won’t be there yet and yes she will be alone. I’m sure she is capable of lots of things but that doesn’t mean she should be doing them. I’m capable of doing it all alone but if my husband thinks that means I should then we’d be divorcing obviously. I note you say kids come first- naturally and the op agrees. Her dh will make sure he sees his kids and she will make sure her child has a great day.

what you and many posters really mean is step mums come last no matter whether they have kids of their own. I’m not a step mum but I think that’s a terrible attitude.

PullTheBricksDown · 23/11/2024 22:07

Winnie27101981 · 23/11/2024 21:56

Oh my goodness it’s for a couple of hours! Not even a comparison to her being on her own all day. You said your family will be there anyway! So you won’t be alone! And let your child decide if she goes with daddy or not. You are an adult and quite capable of being alone for a couple hours even if it is Xmas day!

If you push back your partner will get pissed eventually and start to resent you and you may then end up sharing your child on Xmas day every year!!

You are adults - behave like adults and accept you met someone with kids and they come first!

She's not on her own all day, the older kids will be there for all of it now, and were always going to be for half of it! Plus OP's family aren't coming till later. Masses of posts on here that haven't read the information correctly.

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