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Original poster

Is pre teen a narcissist?

89 replies

Preteenstruggle · 15/11/2024 19:17

DS is 12.
Last Friday at school he got an internal isolation and detention for doing something disrespectful around remembrance day in class. I support the school, the sanction matches the action.

He got back from school on Friday and took himself to his bedroom. I tried talking to him about it and he just shouts and deflects it. Says what can I teach him about history.
He has sent himself to his room, I haven’t told him to or grounded him. I just want to talk about why he did it, the importance of Remembrance Day, then we can move on.
So since Friday, he has been out of his room only for school and for breakfast/dinner/lunch. Then straight back to his room after shouting at everyone about how we shout at him.
We haven’t shouted at him, but I have told him this isn’t going away. We will discuss it and life doesn’t move forward until we do.

This has been a week now. He is a very sociable boy. Talks to friends on the PlayStation (in the lounge), plays football out the front, goes fishing at weekends. So he’d rather give all that up, instead of just talking to me about the stupid thing he did. A whole week without interaction with his friends is unheard of.

So here’s the thing. DH thinks he is a narcissist.
Theres other traits that he has, doesn’t seem to have empathy, love bombs people to get what he wants, uses them. Lies ALOT, and won’t take responsibility for his actions, blames everyone else, always someone else’s fault.

I have always let things slide (I think because he’s love bombed me and convinced me he wasn’t wrong), but this I’m not letting slide because I feel very strongly about it and wonder if my husband is right. It is like he hates being wrong and so point blank won’t talk about it.

To add, a couple of days ago, when he was down for dinner, he’d given the dog a sausage I’d literally just got out the oven. I said not to as he was doing it because it’s so hot. Then comes, oh here you go, moaning at me again. Dog woffs the sausage down, only for a second later to vomit back up. As I was explaining it’s because it burnt her throat, he walks off back upstairs choosing to have no dinner that night. DH said see, he can’t admit he was wrong and you were right. He’s rather be hungry all night than say sorry.

I feel this week has really opened my eyes.
He can be such a lovely boy, can be fun to be around, but yes, also makes me (and his dad and sister) feel like we walk on eggshells alot of the time.

I guess im asking for advice on how to get him to talk to me and also if he does have narcassist traits, how we deal with that

OP posts:
Dramatic · 15/11/2024 19:44

Why are you allowing him to be in control of this situation by deciding he doesn't want to discuss it? Tough he has to. We would have been discussing it the first night it happened. In fact he wouldn't have even been allowed to step foot upstairs until we had spoken about it. Maybe it's typical teenage behaviour but maybe it's something more, I don't think it's helpful for PP's to be saying it's normal child behaviour, excessively lying is never normal.

PinkyFlamingo · 15/11/2024 19:43

What did he do at the service?

LilyAllensChin · 15/11/2024 19:42

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Partylikeits1985 · 15/11/2024 19:42

If he’s a pre -teen then he’s a child. This is just how children behave sometimes. Narcissistic traits my arse, just wait till the teenage years kick in.

HoppityBun · 15/11/2024 19:40

No child can be diagnosed with a personality disorder. What you have described is nothing like narcissism.

melissasummerfield · 15/11/2024 19:36

I think the way you are dealing with this is part of the problem - if i need to discuss something with my ds he doesn't get the option to not discuss it, and certainly doesn't get to shout at me and i let it go.

its totally ridiculous that this has been allowed to rumble on for a week. The thing with the dog is awful behaviour, I would have gone nuts if my ds had deliberately burned the dogs throat!

Has he always been allowed to ignore you / disregard what you say? Thats a big part of the problem here OP.

Jifmicroliquid · 15/11/2024 19:34

Regardless of what label he has or doesn’t have, his behaviour needs to change. He’s going to really struggle in life, plus not be a very nice partner in the future.

sprigatito · 15/11/2024 19:32

It would be really difficult to diagnose a personality disorder in a 12yo, because many of the traits that define personality disorders are developmentally normal in adolescence. What worries me more is that you and your husband seem to be in the early stages of pathologising and scapegoating this child - I'm sure that isn't your intention, but it's worrying. There are a lot of internet buzzwords associated with amateur diagnosing of personality disorders in your OP. A 12yo who can be disrespectful, impulsive and stubborn is not an aberration. A young male who can't admit it when he's in the wrong isn't an aberration. A child who is delightful and affectionate when he's getting his own way isn't an aberration. These are normal behaviours. I think you should tell your husband to calm down and try to get back to normal, consistent parenting. It's a grind, frustrating and nerve- shredding at times, especially with young teens, but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with him.

CroysantNotKwason · 15/11/2024 19:29

I think it's terrible that you're labelling your son as a narcissist for rather normal child behaviour.
Neither of you sound like you like him very much. I bet a lot of his behaviour is in reaction to how he is viewed /treated by you both.

Onlycoffee · 15/11/2024 19:26

DH said see, he can’t admit he was wrong and you were right. He’s rather be hungry all night than say sorry.
Maybe he felt overwhelmed and didn't want an argument.

My dd is autistic and when she was pre teen a close family friend tried to say she was narcissistic.

I'd look at other things first.

BeatriceAndLottie · 15/11/2024 19:24

Ridiculous and immature to automatically jump to the conclusion that your son is a narcissist - such an MN cliché. He’s a regular teenage boy that obviously needs to have boundaries reinforced.

Jollyjoy · 15/11/2024 19:23

I obviously don’t know the full story but I think highly unreasonable to diagnose a 12yr old as a narc. His behaviour is poor in these examples. But he’s just a kid and pushing boundaries. Many children are very egocentric. I hope your DH hasn’t said anything like this to your son.

Tina159 · 15/11/2024 19:23

It's normal for tweens and teens to be narcissistic to some extent. They've very self absorbed at that age! He sounds particularly spoilt and selfish though and tbh it sounds like that's down to you. Labelling him a narcissist though really isn't helpful (by your DH).
Not being able to admit you're wrong is a sign of very low self esteem - in fact NPD is rooted in trauma and low self esteem. I'd be working on his self esteem but with clear boundaries and expectations - they are as important. How much time do you spend doing things with him? I try and get that bonding in as much as you can if you can find something to do together.

youngoldthing · 15/11/2024 19:19

You and your DH know him better than anyone else.

What did he do at the remembrance service and what were his reasons?

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