DP received letter for CMS

The DNA test will sort this for you.

@Worrieduser1976

The speed they found him suggests to me he's already on their books. Sorry you're going through this OP and I hope you don't become another woman chasing for CMS.

"The speed they found him"? The child is five. You have no idea if it took them five days, weeks, months or years to find OP's partner...

Jesus Christ is it judgement day on MN or something?

Whether this man does or doesn’t know that he has a child, to say that someone must have known that a gf they had stopped seeing was pregnant is naive in the extreme. Because a man can have sex, and if the woman leaves his life it’s possible for him to never find out, and it’s possible for the woman to withhold this fact from him.

My cousin’s DS split from his gf and she failed to tell him she’d had a child by him until the child was two years old. Fuck knows why she suddenly decided to but there we are. And they didn’t move in the same friendship circles after they split so there was no way of him knowing.

And let’s be honest, plenty of women sleep with more than one man and end up not knowing who the father of their children is.

People are judging the man for having four children in 5 years, three of which are with his current partner. No judgement for the current partner for having three kids in four years then? he should get the snip? Really? I imagine it’s only a matter of time before someone suggests that the OP should have a termination to accommodate this unknown child.

If the woman genuinely withheld the child with him for five years then she and only she is to blame. And tbh I don’t think she should be able to claim maintenance in those circumstances. (I’m talking strictly about someone having a child and withholding that fact from the father until they decide not to).

ultimately I would absolutely be demanding some answers from him as to whether he knew/how much he knew, and a DNA test is essential. Only after the DNA result comes back can you decide how to go forward. I’d be aiming for access leading up to 50/50 if I were him. It can happen over time.

Wow the vitriol here is unbelievable. Keep in mind that 3 of these children are with the OP and she is presumably a willing partner in the matter. It's not like he made the children by himself. None of you would be having a go if the OP had 3 children in 4 years. (I have 2 younger siblings I was born in late 1975, my DB in early 1977 and my DS in early 1979 - it's not that unusual for children to be close in age.)

Secondly Child Maintenance can see income from HMRC so they will have an idea of earnings before being in touch.

Thirdly it's not as if he cheated on the OP - if the child is already 5 the deed was done at least 5 years and 9 months ago which is well over a year and a half before he met OP.

It's a big shock and it's sad he missed the first 5 years of his child's life but it will all have to be sorted out with CMS. All these negative comments are hardly helpful to the OP are they? She needs a bit of support not to see her DP completely slated.

A random child? You mean potentially her partners child and her children’s sibling?

Maybe the mother waited 5 years because she'd hoped to not have to involve the father for whatever reason, possibly a perfectly valid reason.

@lockdownbabyx it must be a terrible shock for you. Years ago I worked in CMS and I'm surprised that they've come up with a figure without contacting your DP at all. Usually CMS would try to get parents to cooperate and supply information before going directly to employers but maybe it's changed now. He definitely needs to contact CMS and find out what's going on and how he can request a DNA test. If he is the father, he should pay and also think about whether he'd like a relationship with his child. Good luck!

Large number of posters acting like any of this is OP’s fault. It’s not. It may not be her partner’s either.

DNA first then one step at a time. And ignore fucking ridiculous comments like centre the other child in your life. No, you have your own kids you’re responsible for, it’s not and will never be your responsibility to centre another random child who has two parents of their own even if one of them turns out to be your partner. People on here can be too stupid for words.

Sorry OP that you have had this huge shock.
You'll have to wait for the results of the DNA test before having any idea what will happen next. Until then concentrate on looking after yourself and DC.

He needs to support his child, he will not have choice in that.

As a couple you will need to tighten your belts and/or change your lifestyle to financially support the child. You know, although I understand you want to wish this whole thing away, it is the right thing to do.

He will also need to consider what type of relationship he wants with his child, and you will need to support him. This child is your children's sibling.

Give it time to all sink in, get the DNA test, take it one step at a time.

As others have said, wait for the test before getting too far ahead of yourself.
Be prepared for finances to be tight and your partner to have to take on more hours/a better role to provide for all these extra mouths. Obviously the bare minimum child support amounts are usually not often of a contribution towards raising a child.
I’m sorry you’re in this position.

Knew I’d find all the man haters here 🙄

@murasaki So what? I met my husband five years ago, we married four years ago, and are now expecting our third child after Christmas.

It's none of your business how many children OP and her partner decide to have!

Because a lot of people here

hate other people
hate men
put down others to feel better about themselves

it's a toxic forum

The decision making is poor all round
She'd been with him for a year if that before getting pregnant, he knows nothing about contraception. And now there will be three, possibly four kids to support.

You do not know he was found quickly. The child in question is 5 years old. You have no way of knowing if it has taken 5 years or 5 weeks for the CMS to find him, let alone whether he is 'already on their books'.

What a lot of nasty, judgmental posters on this thread! Man has child from previous relationship is hardly that uncommon. You know nothing about this man's relationship with the OP, whether their children were planned, etc. but you have already decided he is going to leave, he has lots of children elsewhere, he has been lying about knowing about this child's existence etc. Talk about projecting onto someone else's life...

So fucking what?

What's your point?

By a couple of quid 😂

I hope you find a resolution OP, it could well be that there is uncertainty over the child's father, and providing DNA will discount your partner.

As for the horrid comments about having 3-4 children in as many years, ignore them! MN can be horrid towards parents of larger families (because of course, you need to be multi-millionaires to afford anything more than 1 child). As it happens I think having a large family closer together is a lovely decision, and I'm expecting my third in as many years next spring.

I hope you find a solution.

Its a well known hoax letter that you can get sent isnt it?

Are you sure it Is genuine. Asking for amount when they wouldn't know salary or circumstances isnt typically the process.

So what? Plenty of people choose to have their children close together. She doesn't deserve the moral judgement that is being thrown at her here because of something her partner may or may not have done prior to them meeting.

But she's had two, and is having a third in an incredibly short space of time from getting into a relationship with him.

Some seriously judgemental cowbags on this thread!