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AIBU?

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Original poster

Conflicted about two events coming up

138 replies

4C04 · 15/11/2024 13:00

Basically, there’s a wedding/party coming up and the hosts are family friends (as in, my parents’ friends so they knew me when I was younger/before I got married etc). I’m not really close with them but my mum told me that they’d also invited us (me/husband etc) to the wedding and it would be great for us to all go. I was genuinely looking forward to this because I haven’t been to a wedding for a while and mum life can sometimes stall your social life a bit so I naturally got excited. We didn’t actually get a personal invite - it was merely my mum who gave us this info so I relied on this and told my husband who was also happy to go. We didn’t actually get told the date either just the month so we just carried on as normal and made our own plans to travel somewhere. So, my mum then tells me the date of the party and it happens to be the same date as our travelling plans. I initially wanted to go to the wedding party and thought my husband wouldn’t mind postponing our plans - but he’s not pleased at all for the following reasons:

  1. he feels that me changing my mind has been heavily influenced by my mum.
  2. he doesn’t understand how we weren’t given a personal invite and were merely told by my mum - he found this strange and slightly annoying - and we also didn’t even know the date until AFTER making our own travelling plans. If the hosts wanted to do things properly they would have asked for our numbers and passed on the party details etc.
  3. he thinks that I often go along with whatever my mum wants us to do and he wants me to (in my interpretation) grow up a bit and start doing my own things
  4. He had initially said that he’s fine with me going and he’ll travel alone - then he changed his mind after thinking about it 🤔
I only wanted to go because I got really excited about it - but now I feel like I’m kind of being forced to do our travelling plans - is it that bad to change your mind?
OP posts:
Crumpleton · 15/11/2024 14:10

4C04 · 15/11/2024 13:22

well, I’m considering the holiday because I really don’t want to upset my husband.

Show quote history

Is your relationship with your DH what you'd call a happy one, hard to figure out what words to use but I'm hoping you get my gist.

You seem pulled between doing something to please your DH and your DM.

As said it's unusual to not know by this far into November the full details of the wedding.

WanOvaryKenobi · 15/11/2024 13:58

You have not been invited to the wedding. For all you know your mother wants you invited and is trying to create social pressure for it to happen.

Seashellssanctuary · 15/11/2024 13:55

This mess is between you and your mum, you're DH has dome nothing wrong.

If you weren't willing to get the date and invitation of the wedding confirmed you shouldn't have booked the other travel.

Now a the drama and you STILL don't know if you are actually invited.

MrsAvocet · 15/11/2024 13:52

I'm on your DH's side.
The wedding - which I agree is doubtful whether you are even actually invited to - is of a couple who are at best acquaintances for you, and presumably absolutely no connection to your DH. It wasn't sufficiently high on your priorities to consider when you were planning your trip so it can't really be that important to you can it?
To be honest, it does sound as if it's more about having a night out with your Mum, which yes, would be nice, but isn't really a major event.
I'd be pretty pissed off with my DH if he wanted to change our holiday plans to go to a wedding of people who aren't a significant part of our lives because his parents wanted him there to be honest - especially if we hadn't actually had an invitation. So I can absolutely see why your DH feels the way he does and I don't think he's unreasonable.

UngratefulOldCabbage · 15/11/2024 13:49

There is no decision to be made - you’re not invited to the wedding anyway! Your mum just seems to have assumed her invite means the whole family, not just her.
Please stick to your own plans and don’t embarrass yourself by attending a wedding where you are not expected.

Shoxfordian · 15/11/2024 13:44

It doesn't really sound like you're invited as you don't even have an invitation, go on your holiday instead

gannett · 15/11/2024 13:40

4C04 · 15/11/2024 13:21

In hindsight, I think we should have double checked before making the travel plans…and yes, there are (latent) wider issues going on between my mum and my husband, but that’s a story for another day.

Show quote history

I was going to guess this from the OP and then you confirmed it. It's not really a story for another day, is it? I mean, you don't have to go into it on this thread if you don't want to, but the issues between your mum and your husband are at the heart of all of this, and they don't sound resolved at all. You're going to need to tackle them properly sooner or later.

This situation is quite odd to me because the "invite" was so casual and unofficial that you didn't even bother to check before you double-booked yourselves. The wedding wasn't that important to you when you booked travel in the same month without checking, so why has it suddenly become so important that you'd have to cancel all your plans?

And your desire to go to the wedding isn't anything to do with the couple, whom you barely know - it's because you want to please your mum, or fall in line with her expectations, or whatever. Which is where we go back to the central issue of your relationship with your mum, and your husband's issues with her, being the real problem here.

Mostlyoblivious · 15/11/2024 13:40

4C04 · 15/11/2024 13:18

Yes our travel plans are flexible. The relationship with my mum/my marriage is a very deep topic that has caused a lot of drama in the past, so it’s something that’s not easy to revisit.

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I know this is about the event clash and I suggest you do what makes you happy (the wedding) and not appease your husband (I say this not knowing the backstory..) however, you are going to have to find a way forward with your husband and your Mum and it may be a conversation needs revising and perhaps that is done with an impartial person but they’re two key people in your life and I imagine harmony (or something toward harmonious) would be preferential to you walking the line of appeasement

Glittertwins · 15/11/2024 13:38

I don't think you've actually been invited to the wedding either. I can see why your DH is annoyed about it. You really won't be missed at the wedding.

DeliciousApples · 15/11/2024 13:33

I think holiday.

However if you wanted to you could send them a gift. Now.

And put in it that you're: "just heard about your wedding, congratulations! I'm sending you this gift early as I'm going on holiday just before your big day for a couple of weeks, but would love to catch up at some point afterwards.

My Mum should have sent you her Acceptance, I would have gone with her but typical I will be on holiday and miss your special day. Have a wonderful day" Etc etc.

Keeps you right on all accounts. Makes it clear you're not coming. Doesn't mention an invite to you personally but let's them know mum will be alone.

squashyhat · 15/11/2024 13:31

If you go on the holiday (and I think you should) you now have the added embarrassment of contacting the couple to regretfully decline attendance at a wedding you probably weren't even invited to in the first place. I'd like to be a fly on the wall for that conversation Grin

KoalaCalledKevin · 15/11/2024 13:31

And I bet the first the couple would know about your attendance is if you rock up!

This would definitely be my worry!

viques · 15/11/2024 13:30

And I don’t think it matters that you haven’t got their phone number, presumably you have their address / some idea of where they live so can find it out. A nice card explaining the situation would be better than a phone call - no need for a gift btw - if as it turns out your mother has been acting as their wedding planner and inviting people off her own bat then she can be the one to do the explaining.

DelicateSoundOfEchos · 15/11/2024 13:28

I'd be inclined to think you haven't actually been invited to the wedding because, well, you haven't!

I'd not prioritise the wedding of someone you don't really know, for which you haven't actually had an invite, over travel plans which are fixed, irrespective of how flexible the actual bookings may be.

PurpleHiker · 15/11/2024 13:25

I wouldn't turn up to a wedding without a formal invitation addressed to me. I think you should go on the holiday.

KrisAkabusi · 15/11/2024 13:25

In your first post you said

I was genuinely looking forward to this because I haven’t been to a wedding for a while and mum life can sometimes stall your social life a bit so I naturally got excited

You've since said
we just totally forgot about it as we didn’t know the official date/time or anything…we don’t even know whether it’s an actual church wedding or register office etc

You don't actually sound that bothered about it. Given there's at least a 50/50 chance you're not actually invited and your mother is making up the non-existent invitation, go on the holiday.

viques · 15/11/2024 13:24

I am not sure you were invited to the wedding in the first place, I think your mum has either decided you are her plus 1 ( or plus 2 and let’s hope no one notices) or has coerced the hosts into letting you come. I don’t think they are going to be terribly upset if you contact them and say that unfortunately your mother didn’t let you know the specific date and you have a long term arrangement to go away already booked.

As in all things you stick to the first arrangement you made, which in this case is the trip.

Original poster
4C04 · 15/11/2024 13:24

BodyKeepingScore · 15/11/2024 13:17

I think YABU.

You're cancelling travel plans to go to the wedding of someone who you don't even have direct contact details for... nor have you received an invitation of your own. It's likely they felt pressured by their own parents to invite you and won't even notice you're not there.

The couple are my parents’ age 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
4C04 · 15/11/2024 13:23

KrisAkabusi · 15/11/2024 13:17

You never got a proper invite. You weren't even told the date, only the month. By someone else. And you already have plans.

Your husband isn't being unreasonable.
And I bet the first the couple would know about your attendance is if you rock up!

Omg 😂 that would be embarrassing

OP posts:
Original poster
4C04 · 15/11/2024 13:22

Hallllllllie · 15/11/2024 13:19

Would you lose money on your travel plans? Could you change to a date pretty soon after?

We wouldn’t lose any money, so it’s not a done deal type of situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
4C04 · 15/11/2024 13:22

KoalaCalledKevin · 15/11/2024 13:20

I think you shouldn't have booked the holiday while you knew the wedding was around that time.

I also think it's very odd that you haven't been invited by the actual b&g. I would go on the booked holiday.

well, I’m considering the holiday because I really don’t want to upset my husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
4C04 · 15/11/2024 13:21

thing47 · 15/11/2024 13:19

Sounds like there might be wider issues going on between your DH and your mum, OP. On the face of it it does sound like a bit of an overreaction on your DH's part but on this I think I am with him - you havent actually received an invitation to this wedding, have you? It's weird to assume you can go without one, just on your mum's say so, so that's the first thing to establish.

In hindsight, I think we should have double checked before making the travel plans…and yes, there are (latent) wider issues going on between my mum and my husband, but that’s a story for another day.

OP posts:
KoalaCalledKevin · 15/11/2024 13:20

I think you shouldn't have booked the holiday while you knew the wedding was around that time.

I also think it's very odd that you haven't been invited by the actual b&g. I would go on the booked holiday.

Original poster
4C04 · 15/11/2024 13:20

crumblingschools · 15/11/2024 13:18

Has your mum rsvp on your behalf? Seems strange not to get an official invitation? Would you be going for the whole thing or just popping in for the evening bit? Or have they suggested you go to church to see the ceremony?

Well, it’s all a bit messy in my opinion. A few months ago we got told that the couple are having a wedding and that we were invited and that was it…we just totally forgot about it as we didn’t know the official date/time or anything…we don’t even know whether it’s an actual church wedding or register office etc

OP posts:
thing47 · 15/11/2024 13:19

Sounds like there might be wider issues going on between your DH and your mum, OP. On the face of it it does sound like a bit of an overreaction on your DH's part but on this I think I am with him - you havent actually received an invitation to this wedding, have you? It's weird to assume you can go without one, just on your mum's say so, so that's the first thing to establish.